Six Proposals for Cleaning Up Los Angeles's Skid Row

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According to the Los Angeles Times, LA's budget officers have just proposed a $3.7 million plan to "clean up" Skid Row. I think we all know $1 billion wouldn't clean up LA's poverty, and Skid Row isn't going to stay literally clean no matter how hard you scrub.

One obvious thing would clean up Skid Row and this plan does not include it. Chloe Blalock, a coordinator at the Center for Harm Reduction told me, "Realistically, their plans will not do much to improve anyone's quality of life in a meaningful and sustainable way. We need more housing; permanent supportive housing. It's that simple."

I should also mention that Chole flatly said "That shit is stupid" right after I listed off the city's glorious plans. If this is a total waste of time, then what's their actual goal? To know that, you'll need context.

In LA, Skid Row confronts you every time you go downtown to get fancy drinks from one of the nearby mixology bars. Rather than run in fear of the scary, scary poor people, millennials have swung too far back the other way. Unfortunately, we treat this encampment for the down-and-out like our private playground.

Here's a map I made of the area around Skid Row:

Google Maps

A citizens' committee aimed at protecting Skid Row from exploitative real estate developers was created all the way back in 1986. In those days, the idea was that the Skid Row shelters were going to be demolished and replaced with expensive housing, like inBreakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo. For better or worse, the evil developers haven't killed Skid Row yet.

While Manhattan became a country club because the evil developers had their way, and Detroit went to hell because there were no evil developers, Los Angeles split the difference. We put a country club right next to Hell. Now, when someone says they want to "save" or "preserve" or "rescue" Skid Row, you never know whose vision for the area is being "saved," "preserved," or "rescued."

Today, our leaders are taking the "this is for your own good" approach, and it's hard to tell who is really supposed to benefit. That's what this new set of proposals is about. In theory, this is the benevolent hand of our democratically elected leaders reaching into the messiest part of the city and scrubbing it clean like an oily pelican.

Unfortunately, the principle of harm reduction is completely lost on politicians who have to get reelected. Their proposals range from well-intentioned to laughable. What you see are the proposals for fixing Skid Row, followed by my alternative proposals that focus on the well-being of residents instead of trying to make the place more savory:

Image via Flickr user Derek Blackadder

I. 24-hour access to the bathrooms in nearby shelters and aid facilities 

This is probably the smartest part of the plan, but it's not perfect.

There's a lot of poop and pee in the gutters and on the sidewalks on Skid Row. The problem isn't that the clinics and shelters close down. The problem is that it's inconvenient to have to go into a place and ask to use the bathrooms. I used the bathroom in a health clinic on Skid Row, and I had to wait about five minutes for someone to finish. When I was done, I walked outside and a guy was doing the Skid Row piss walk. This is a foolproof method in which you take out your penis and put your hands in your pockets, and act like you're inspecting some graffiti up close while you walk by.

My proposal: Area business owners won't stand for porta-potties because sex workers and drug dealers can hang out in there. Europe-style urination booths (above) are a good alternative, but they don't do much for women. I would propose the Amsterdam booths, but only with liberal distribution of shewees, also known as "those urine funnels for your vulva," to make them woman-accessible.

II. 500 more storage bins

There are 1,136 storage bins on skid row, and after this expansion there will be 1,636. But according to that same Los Angeles Times story, the population there is just shy of 3,500 people. In other words, good news for those 500 people, but bad news for the other 1,800.

My proposal: Skid Row has a state-of-the-art LAPD station, and the cops who work there have been taking stuff away from Skid Row residents for no reason. I propose that anyone who has had their possessions gaffled by the cops gets to use an LAPD evidence locker until the storage deficit gets worked out.

III. 27 trash cans instead of 10 

Trash doesn't just accumulate next to full trash cans. It lines the gutters in Skid Row. Confusing matters is the fact that you never know whether a collection of assorted food packets or left shoes is trash or treasure. Having 27 trash cans or even 50 or 100 installed won't make everyone use them.

My proposal: Take the money that would go toward additional trash cans and waste management, and put it toward male and female condoms for Skid Row sex workers. Oh, and a teach-in about condom negotiation.

IV. 12 street cleanings per year instead of 4-6 

This is supposedly because Skid Row is swimming with disease, but I call shenanigans. Outbreaks of diseases like tuberculosis have to be controlled within the city on the whole, because despite what the TV news may have us think, bacteria are not unique to poor neighborhoods.

My proposal: Put that money toward free clean needles and crackpipes, like they have in Vancouver. Clean needles fight HIV. Clean pipes fight hepatitis C.

V. Two full-time environmental compliance inspectors 

What is a "full-time environmental compliance inspector?" Is it a person who goes around with a clipboard, telling people where not to puke?

My proposal: If "full-time environmental compliance inspector" is a euphemism for "janitor," I feel fine about this.

VI. "Valet cart storage" for shopping carts at the Weingart Center parking lot. 

The idea is that the city will concede that shopping carts are an inevitable part of a day in the life of a homeless person, but we don't want them taking up valuable sidewalk real estate. Now there'll be a place to check in your shopping cart at the existing parking lot, which has a big fence around it.

Supposedly the residents will trust someone all day with the items in their shopping cart, and faithfully retrieve it next time they need to take their possessions for a walk. I doubt it. Besides, is this for the benefit of residents, or developers who would see improvements in property values if the sidewalks were less cluttered?

My proposal: Use the "valet cart storage" money and set up a "wet house," like the one that did some good in St. Paul. A "wet house" is a place where those who are committed to drinking themselves into oblivion can do so in peace without disturbing anyone. According to TIME, wet houses reduce what a city spends on alcoholics by 53 percent, and it goes without saying that the alcoholics like them.

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