My Old Favorite Company

OK, I know a couple of weeks ago I said I found a new favorite company. Well, I lied, that company is lame sauce compared to my old favorite company, which makes motorized coolers that you can ride down the street while laughing at all the idiots who walk around with their feet and junk. My friend, who also does that thing I do when I'm not here, sent me an email today to tell me we are in early negotiations with the top brass at Cruzin Coolers, and should have them on our website in the near future.

Cruzin Coolers can go up to 13 mph, and you saddle up on it just like you would a stocky, colorful donkey. From their website: "Cruzin Cooler combines two basic necessities of life, the ability to have cold food or a beverage handy along with the means to get somewhere, without walking." It's true, walking sucks so hard that not doing it can only be described as a "basic necessity."

The Cruisin Cooler comes in your choice of electric or gas power, and boasts a 10 or 30 mile driving range, respectively. That means you could ride, on top of your perishables, from Brooklyn to the Upper West Side with juice (power, not the drink in your cooler) to spare.

Here's the official promo video.

And here is a fan video, set to Queen's "Don't Stop Me Now," that's too amazing to describe any further.

Bobby Allison, aka The Legend, as he calls himself on his website, is Cruzin Cooler's flashy celebrity endorser.

It doesn't matter that his balls look like rotten old chestnuts. He can get girls like this because he used to drive cars and now he endorses--actually, what the fuck. There is no reason that that man should have his hands on those women.

JONATHAN SMITH