Districts

Bernal Hill, Photo: Sandy Kim

San Francisco is an incredibly small city—49 square miles, to be exact. On a 15-minute walk in the right direction you can cross about five neighborhoods. Here are the main ones of interest.

The Mission

A cool-kid haven with serious gentrification bleeding from the center outward, the Mission is probably the neighborhood that most of you readers will find comfort in. Highlights include sunnier weather, a plethora of dive bars, thrift stores, semi-affordable housing, venues, art galleries, and the epicenter of it all—Dolores Park.

The Tenderloin

Dave Chappelle was right when he said, “There is nothing tender about the Tenderloin.” There are many tales of where the name derives from, but the one we like best is that the beat cops who worked the Tenderloin back in the day would get so many bribes on a shift that they could afford to eat tenderloin. The bums, crackheads, junkies, tranny hookers, and other sordid characters of the night have nested themselves all over this part of town. Between the dope deals, tranjobs, and crack smoke, there are some gems of both food and drink to be had round the shady streets of the Tenderloin.

Western Addition

The Western Addition is a comfy, mostly residential area, centrally located with its main drag running down Divisadero, which features some cool little bars and good food. The history of this neighborhood is fucked up because the city planner’s office displaced a large number of Japanese and African Americans from this area during and after WWII.

Chinatown and North Beach

Chinatown and North Beach are stacked right on top of each other. North Beach is a bit of a tourist trap because it’s a thruway to the whole Fisherman’s Wharf/Pier 31/Alcatraz clusterfuck. Greasy guidos will bait you into their restaurants by speaking Italian, but don’t be fooled, it’s a well-known fact that the worst Italian food in SF comes from North Beach. Chinatown, on the other hand, is just like every other Chinatown with the exception that restaurants here score a lot lower on health-code inspections than do those in other cities. There is great Chinese here, but don’t think you can walk into any old place and not get typhoid from your wonton soup.

Richmond, Golden Gate Park, and Sunset

The Richmond and Sunset districts should really be called “Chinatown(s) West.” There are large Asian populations on both sides of the park because of the slightly reduced cost of living and impulses to overcrowd buses that stink to high heaven of cabbage. Hidden between these two mammoth districts is the biggest and best park in the US: Golden Gate Park. It’s larger than Central Park and you could fill a whole week trying to see it all.

Alamo Square Park, Photo: Sandy Kim

Upper and Lower Haight

The historic Haight, epicenter of the 60s counterculture movement and current center of the Golden Gate Park/ Panhandle McBums Revolution (they all hang out at the McDonald’s at Haight and Stanyan). A lot of middleclass kids tell their parents to fuck off, steal the keys to the Volvo, and hightail their way to Haight Street. They put up signs like “Need Money for Pot” and “Fishin’ for Beers.” These kids make everyone in the area sick, especially when shit gets really live and they go from smelly, harebrained potheads to smash-and-grab junkies. Haight and Ashbury has shops on all four corners, so let’s just say it isn’t what it used to be. Most of the bars in Upper Haight suck and cater to a constituency of tourists and Irish construction workers. Lower Haight is way more fun and less isolated than up the street. It’s also one example of the type of gentrification that San Francisco has become known for. Haight, between Fillmore and Steiner, is a row of nice shops, tattoo parlors, restaurants, and bars. Haight, between Fillmore and Webster, is the same, but it’s where the Fillmore Projects begin, and you can see that rent on the Webster side is drastically lower.

The Castro

Situated between the Mission, Noe Valley, and the Haight is a place like no other. When your parents have kicked you to the curb, with your dad screaming, “You’re not my son!” a less ingenious gay man might turn to drugs, alcohol, and turning tricks in New York subways. The ones with real swagger look west to the gay mecca that is the Castro. Pretty much every business and apartment within a four-block radius is gay-owned-and-operated. However, the idea that San Francisco is somehow predominantly “gay” just because this little enclave exists is a huge misconception. We are just very tolerant. But regardless of how you get boners or what gives them to you, it’s a sight to be seen. The Castro Theatre, which doesn’t screen gay porn, is an amazing single-screen Art Deco number from the 1930s. Before each movie there is an organ player jamming right in front of you, and they do some great 70-mm revivals.

Downtown

Downtown SF has all of the financial, retail, and urban banality you’d expect, with a few choice spots lying in the rough. Not too many people live down there, unless they’re very rich or very homeless.

SoMa, Dogpatch, Bayview–Hunters Point

SoMa is the area South of Market. Apparently San Francisco wants to be New York so bad that it has to name a district so it sounds likes SoHo. SoMa can be fun sometimes, though. There is a district of bars, but it’s usually infected with the bridge and the ensuing nonsense that makes sane people cringe. The Dogpatch is a neighborhood on the rise that is rapidly transforming from a toxic-waste dump into a lovely and inhabitable neighborhood. Bayview–Hunters Point, on the other hand, has been steadily decaying from a toxic-waste dump into a war zone.

Nob Hill, Russian Hill, and the Marina

If Bud Light, Aryans, shitty cologne, Red Bull puke, and bad music blaring out of every bar is your thing, have at it. The Marina, Snob Hill, and Russian Hill get a bad rap because they deserve it. It’s like they wrangled up all the people you don’t want to be around into one section of the city. It’s cool, actually, like they did us a big favor.