A colonoscopy may be inescapably important for anyone who has an anus that's delivered the remains of a diet containing meat and booze but the thought of making a game of it sends chills down my cortex. And that's exactly what CBS is doing, with their Colonoscopy Sweepstakes, a contest in which the winner receives a luxurious trip to New York and a good arse-reaming by a famous gastroenterologist. What can you expect if you're the lucky winner? "The hardest part is the preparation the night before when you drink a laxative," CBS explains. "This laxative is well known for declaring itself at the very moment you have called a relative or friend (or room service) to comment that…"—wait. Hang on. I don't really want to shit my pants, but room service? Room service is included in this deal? Shit. Hm, OK, this is sounding good, but I interrupted. What else comes with this deal? "When the colonoscopy is about to begin, you'll be given drugs which will make you feel like you're at Woodstock." So they're going to get me stoned before they shove a camera up my ass? That sounds like a recipe for PTSD. Deal's off. These guys are pervs.BUCKINGHAM CUERVO