Fake Vaginas, Ways to Take Heroin, and 1939 Ensemble

SEX – FAKE VAGINAS

A fun thing about being a sex writer is that you can stomp your feet and whine, “I want to try fingering a Fleshlight!” and heaps of fake vaginas will start raining on you, sent from PR heaven. Of all the gadgets sitting in my Santa bag of sex toys, the winner of the weirdest/best fake vagina goes to Climax Gems Diamond Hand Job Stroker. Congrats! Your prize is an abundance of cum.

The handjob stroker is a ribbed clear waterproof shaft. The package's description hints it's meant to be used with a partner and not just solo, so after fulfilling my dream and fingering it a few times, I tried it out on an alive human male who wishes to remain anonymous. Use lube! Water based preferably. It has a hole on each side, one big hole, and one tiny hole. I pondered:

A.) Is one hole supposed to be a vagina and one a butthole?

B.) Are the two different holes out of respect for different-sized penises?

C.) Or is it open-ended simply for clean-up purposes?

The answer is C, the jizz squirts out of the smaller opening upon orgasm so you don't end up with a “masturbator” full of crusty old-man butter. My penis partner found this out later when he used it by himself. After about five minutes of giving him a handjob with it ,I was like, “Fuck this, let's hump,” because I'm greedy and easily distracted.

The dude said it didn't feel like a vagina, a butthole, or a hand, but something different entirely. The novelty of the product was what got him off the most when he used it alone. I would best describe it as an alien poonani. When I used it on him, it made slopping suction noises that sounded like he was fucking an outer-space orifice. The clear toy somehow magnifies the penis making it look ginormous, which was a considerate design choice.

If you'd like to buy the Climax Gems Diamond Hand Job Stroker and blow your load into some X-Files puss yourself, you can buy one here.

Photo by Psychonaught via Wikimedia Commons

DRUGS - METHODS OF HEROIN ADMINISTRATION

I hate to let you guys down, but I've never tried heroin. Unlike with sex toys, when it comes to drugs I can't exactly email a dealer and be like “Yo! I'm writing about H this week, want to send me some free samples?” This is for the best because from what I've read about the warm, apathetic orgasm, I'd fucking love it, and you know, it's heroin and all. From my research and those I've spoken with who have tried it, it makes a big difference what method of administration you use.

Smoking: Smoking a joint that's been laced with heroin is one of those things that sometimes just accidentally happens at parties, like chugging a plastic bottle of vodka you think is water. You'll be fine. Smoking heroin on its own placed on foil is known as “chasing the dragon.” It tastes like shit.

Snorting: Like with any other drug, the experience of snorting heroin is fast, short, and intense like a quickie on a bathroom sink. Coke heads, don't pull a Pulp Fiction and accidentally snort heroin, as the chances that John Travolta's at your party to inject adrenaline into your heart to save you are unlikely.

Injection: Keith Richards made a big stink in Life claiming he never mainlined (shooting directly into a vein), but rather mostly injected his beloved drug into his butt and other muscles. Mainlining is the method everyone associates with heroin and by far the most effective and dangerous. Don't get AIDS please. Never share needles. Prepare to barf.

Suppository: If you're squirting heroin up your bum, there's probably larger issues at hand than simply a drug dependency.

Photo by Matthew Brush

ROCK 'N' ROLL – 1939 ENSEMBLE

Despite being the second column in a row to feature an instrumental band, after all that heroin talk I had to tell you guys about 1939 Ensemble. Not that these dudes are junkies or anything, but the blissful and lazy euphoric sounds on their debut LP Howl & Bite is the closest I'll get to the relaxed high without risking rehab. The collection of noises knitted together on Howl & Bite is how I imagine a bustling city would sound if you managed to erase the angry mutterings of humans shoved together on a subway and the anxious screams of ambulance sirens, boiling the chaos down to a place of serenity.

1939 Ensemble is a Portland jazz/postrock duo composed of two percussionists: Jose Medeles and David Coniglio. Before linking up with David, Jose was the drummer in the Breeders. He owns a vintage drum store called Revival Drums that apparently makes any drummer splooge their pants upon entrance.

David sounds like an equally interesting fellow. Along with his work with 1939 Ensemble, he runs the Portland School Of Rock and plays in a heavy metal band. He's also good looking. I don't know if David has a partner but they better watch out, between his love for kids and simultaneous metal and jazz skills, I'd totally give him a handjob with my alien-vagina toy. Or with my own hand or mouth. You get the idea.

Howl & Bite is out out April 16th on Jealous Butcher Records. Listen to “Sad French Song” below.

Previously on Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n' Roll:

Medical Fetishism, Benzo Withdrawal, and the Swedish Avant-Garde

@TheBowieCat