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Amateur Backgrounds, Part Two

Welcome to another tour of the curious interior decorating choices made by amateur porn personalities.
July 24, 2012, 10:20pm

Despite its obvious positives—and there are many—professionally-produced porn lacks a bit in the realm of "unique set design." If the on-camera banging isn't taking place on those same three black pleather couches located somewhere in the Valley (can you imagine the smell?) or some brick-walled dungeon in San Francisco, it's a rarity. So thank whatever defiled deity for the amateur version of smut. The interior decoration choices of these ordinary folks are unparallelled in strangeness. Time to once again confuse our souls as we take a gander into a few more homes.

“Don't stop what?” is the obvious question. Don't stop eating pigs, because they're delicious? Don't stop a-rockin'? Don't stop doin' what you're doin'? Don't stop porking? (Because, you see, it's a pig is the joke.) The possible answers will continue long after your erection loses its enthusiasm.

Fathers, don't let your daughters grow up to be the kind of girl who willingly faces in the other direction for her partner to pound her from behind while in easy reach of his hunting knives. That's just Parenting 101.

When you hit 30 years old, something incredible happens: You stop being governed so much by your libido and are able to contemplate other aspects of someone's personality. For instance, this photo. No longer do I see an attractive topless woman,  instead I see not only a terrible person who refuses to respect the aesthetic purpose of cabinet doors, but someone who enjoys a good bargain on toothpaste.

Remember when “The Kramer” was all the rage in college? If you still have one up now, you're either living in an Eastern European nation who just got access to Seinfeld reruns, or you lost your job and had to move back home.

Same rules go for "The Costanza."

This couple's apparently been banging for 58 hours straight as part of a Satanic ritual.

You lose a lot of the intended sexiness when you have a background full of reminders of what your fucking leads to. I thought condoms in porn laws were ridiculous until I saw this menagerie.

It's one of those ridiculous stereotypes that all male needs can be satisfied if you put a game on the TV and a hot babe in our laps. It's not true. A more vital need is making sure those two events don't happen simultaneously, or else the entire time is spent wondering which one the boner is for.

He knows if you've been naughty or nice. And then dines on your entrails either way.

The story you just put together of the two hours leading up to this photograph and the ten hours that will follow is completely accurate.

Late at night, when the moon's at its peak and the parents are deep in slumber, the stuffed animals come to life, eat old VHS tapes for strength, and wait until it's time.

According to Wikipedia, Rags to Riches was a musical comedy drama that aired on NBC from 1987 to 1988, about a self-made millionaire who adopted five orphan girls. Their story was told through parodies of songs from the 60s. Croquet isn't as white.

If you're wondering if it's alive or stuffed, you're stuck on the wrong question.

Previously - Amateur Porn Backgrounds