SISSIES VERSUS PUSSIES: GO FOR THE GOLD!

If you ask me - and you should - the Olympics are a stupid, boring, expensive waste of time, spandex and ice. Most of the events are niche-market dickery that only appeal to ski school tools and Norwegian snipers, and it's not like any of the competing nations are going to go to war anytime soon, so why bother with a pissing contest? And before you call me a big whiny baby, I remind you that I'm a Canadian taxpayer, and have been forced to spend a couple thousand dollars of my own money to kill Georgian lugers, get rid of Vancouver's homeless, and help Mountain Dew-sponsored broboarders shred some slightly more serious powder than usual. I have reason to be bitter.

So it took some very serious consideration for me to decide to not completely make fun of Evgeni Plushenko, the manliest, lady-lovinest, dick-swinginest figure skater ever to dry-hump your eyeballs to the strains of "Sex Bomb."

I mean, look at this flaky turd. How can you watch that video and not just want to just leap into the screen choke this Martin Short-circa-SNL caricature out? But wait, he's calling out every other male figure skater as pussies because they don't twirl as much or as ballsily as he does: "Without the quadruple, I'm sorry, but it's not men." BURN.

Don't get me wrong - this is like one kid at Pokemon camp calling another kid a homo for liking Wigglytuff more than Mr. Mime. But it's something. Who actually cares about medals and national pride? Nobody. Medals and national pride are arbitrary and meaningless. But personal dignity? Now you've got stakes.

Of course, I'm still not going to go out of my way to watch the Olympics. I'm probably not even going to look into how this trash-talking experiment works out for Dmitri the Skater here. But at the very least, this one guy's jackassery has succeeded in making me at least passably interested in figure skating for an afternoon.

I won't be there to see you, Plushenko, but you should definitely win. Set the bar of classiness lower like the good post-Soviet Russian you are. Show those girly-men how REAL sex bombs gyrate. If you do it loud enough, hard enough, and overcompensatedly heterosexually enough, I'm sure you can get a real job hosting a Russian version of MANswers. And I would actually watch that.