Why Your Friends Don’t Like Your New Partner And What You Should Do About It

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So you’re at the stage of finally introducing your partner to your inner circle. You’ve been hyping them up for days, weeks, months, God forbid, years. You all have something to eat, you chill out for a bit, and then go your separate ways. You text your friends after “What did you think of them?” Only to get an uncomfortable “I wasn’t really feeling them for you”, or worse, no answer at all

I’ve been guilty of this on both ends. In my first relationship, my ex was really shy and would feel overwhelmed by socialising with my friends. Because she was anxious, she didn’t get close with them and avoided nearly all events where she might see them. My friends took it as a rude rejection of them and a disinterest in wanting to be more involved in my personal life. Their stance was “If she doesn’t want to know us, we don’t want to know her”. 

Introducing your partner to your friends is anxiety-inducing, but it’s also an important vetting process. Studies have shown that relationships where the friend group approves of the partner are more likely to succeed. When you’re at the start of a new relationship and riding that honeymoon phase high, it’s easy to overlook (or not even see) major flaws in the person. Bad communication skills, possessive tendencies, a deep interest in AI art, etc. 

An awkward or unfriendly partner is one thing, but tThere’s nothing worse for a friendship than seeing a friend dating someone who is actively causing them harmith all the red flags laid out. I’ve had friends relay stories of abusive relationships and acts of neglect, wishing they could break-up. Toxic relationships are a complex issue, and someone might stay in one for a variety of reasons. In this case, there might be a need for more serious action, like letting your friend know you think they’re in a harmful relationship and that you’d like to support them in leaving it.

For example, because they feel emotionally trapped, have external pressures from family or are in a messy financial situation. Seeing this happen to a friend, and knowing you can’t just make them end it do anything to help can be emotionally exhausting. It becomes a herculean effort to muster up fake enthusiasm for your friend’s relationship because of all the shit you’ve heard.

Harmful relationships aside, there are still plenty of legit reasons your pals might not vibe with your partner. If your friends have voiced concern and doubt about your relationship, it’s easy to reject their perspective. 

If you’re unsure whether or not their points are valid,  take a step back and ask yourself these questions. 

Think about all the times in a relationship when you’ve had an argument with your partner and then vented to your friends about it. Whether it was over the dishes, a way they may have hurt you with something they’ve said or done, or general small behaviours that really get on your nerves. 

When you bring those details to your friends, and they affirm you, they validate your feelings and positions, you get to leave and go back to your partner and work through those issues. Your friends are left there with their perception of your partner clouded. If you do this too many times, and they don’t get to know your partner outside of those arguments, well, why would they like them? They just know you’re seeing someone that upsets and frustrates you all the time. 

Being honest with your friends about your partner is important, but be aware that if you’re disproportionately complaining about them that you’re probably creating a pretty negative image of them in the eyes of your mates. 

Let’s say the above isn’t the case. You speak glowingly of your partner, however, your partner gives your friends “the ick”, and they let you know it. The natural questions running through your head might be “Are my friends right? Was it an off night? Or are they biased?” 

If your friends dislike your partner, you need to understand the “why”. If they’ve laid out a good case, such as the partner being rude to your friends or speak about you disrespectfully about you, then you need to pay attention to that. If you immediately reject your friends opinion or come across as hostile, you run the risk of hurting your friendship.  They most likely want what’s best for you, and while they might not have the full context like you do, their opinion still comes from a place of having your best interests in mind.  

However, there is the possibility that your friends don’t have your best interests at heart – They might prefer you to stay single so they don’t lose their time with you, there might be cultural or sexual differences that your friends just can’t understand, – and that’s why it’s important to truly understand the complaint, rather than reactively breaking up with that partner, or dropping that friendship altogether. 

Even if your new partner is lovely and charismatic, a previous messy relationship might still have friends reluctant to accept your new partner on the first meeting. If they know you’ve dated difficult people in the past it can be an automatic response to assume your new partner is a similar type of person.

It may time for the relationship to prove itself. This can take weeks, months, maybe even a year, but if your partner is genuine your friends will likely loosen up on their initial judgements over time.

If you feel like your friend is too biased, whether they’ve just come out of a relationship and aren’t in the right headspace to be happy for you, or are insecure about what that relationship might be doing to your friendship with them, it might be worth asking a different friend for a less biased opinion. 

Ask someone you trust will be honest with you on how they see the situation, and who you can lay out the full story to. If they’re a good friend, they’ll be able to give you a fair and honest read on who may or may not be in the wrong and also might hear you out if you’re choosing to stay. 

Like most advice here, it’s going to be case by case. There’s a saying that your friends are typically “six months behind in the relationship”. 

If your friends knew you were in a rocky patch a while ago, but now the relationship is in a great spot, it’ll take some time and exposure for your friends to see that. They haven’t seen your personal growth, those open and honest conversations with them, the small things they do for you that make you love them. 

As your partner and friends spend more time together, they’ll (hopefully) become more relaxed around them, and may even find a friendship themselves. 

If you’re in a situation where you truly don’t feel you can bring your partner to things, it’s important to evaluate who and what matters to you most. A relationship shouldn’t cause you to be isolated and cut-off from people, and a good partner isn’t one you feel like you need to hide. If you trust your friends, and don’t see them ever warning to your partner, then the partner is more likely to be the problem. 

If you take anything away from this, it’s that you can’t brute force a resolution. If you hear a friend say they don’t like your partner, you shouldn’t force interactions onto them, and you shouldn’t do it too soon. If your friends don’t like your partner, that isn’t a sign you should immediately break-up with them either. Give it time and allow your relationship to grow, but pay attention to the people who care about you if their concerns are more serious than your partner being boring or weird.

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