Slow Burn Break-Ups Are Brutal. Here’s How They Build Up.

Have you ever slowly fallen out of love with someone? Or felt someone fall out of love with you? Even though you know the relationship is on its way out, it may take months, or even years, for things to finally end between you. It’s a slow burn break-up. 

How does a slow-burn breakup begin? It creeps up on you, insidiously, uninvited. For a long time, you push the feeling deep into your gut. You want to pretend you don't feel it changing, clinging desperately to the remains of a worn-out love. It is an overwhelming guilt, to be the one falling out of love, and an overwhelming pain, to be the one who can feel the other changing. Feeling someone fall out of love with you can make you feel like you’re losing your mind, especially if they claim nothing has changed. 

Maybe you both feel the relationship changing, from lovers to friends, or to nothing much at all. Whatever combination of feelings has brought you to the point of a slow burn break-up, the ultimate truth remains the same: it sucks. 

Maybe you’re best friends or roommates. Maybe you share friends, hobbies, a business, a house, pets, or children. Maybe the thought of peeling yourself away from one another is unbearable, or maybe it's just a dull ache. For some, it has been so long you can’t even picture life without the other person or feel as if you will cease to exist without them. 

So, how do slow-burn breakups build up? Relationship expert Stefanie Bullock MNZAC, from The Couples Shed, describes the key reason two people may “fall out of love”: effort.

According to the experts, a relationship requires consistent effort to stay healthy and full of romance. Often when life gets busy, people prioritise their individual lives over their relationship, to the point where the other person no longer receives the same love or affection they need. A healthy balance is key, and once a relationship becomes the last priority, a couple may feel the love is gone. A helpful analogy is viewing romantic love like a little house plant that needs consistent watering and soil and attention to stay healthy. Without these things, it dies. 

According to Bullock, another reason a couple may think they have fallen out of love is because they are in the power struggle period of a relationship. Romantic relationships go through stages: the infatuation, the power struggle and mature love. It is normal for couples to go through a period of power struggle after the initial honeymoon (infatuation) phase ends. This is when people’s perfect facades start to drop and the couple gets to know one another on a deeper level. This often comes with a rocky period a couple must navigate in order to reach true, deep connection; the mature love. If a couple is unaware of this natural power struggle phase, they may believe they are incompatible, or think they have fallen out of love, and break things off. 

While shifting dynamics may be common at different stages of a relationship, there are also situations where these dynamics cross a line. If you’re ever feeling like this might be the case in your relationship, there are places to go for support. You can read more about that, and your options, here.

So, is there any silver lining to a slow-burn breakup, as opposed to a quick ending? 

One good thing about a slow-burn break-up is that you have more time to mentally prepare and to feel the break-up coming. When it does finally end, you may feel less in need of closure. The need for closure often arises when there are questions left unanswered, or when a relationship ends abruptly, without warning. 

Often, if a relationship drags on so long it gets to the point of a slow burner, you see all the ugly in each other. It brings out all the worst parts of you both: apathy, malice, nagging, ugly-snotty-desperation. This might become all you remember when you think of them, which might help with the whole getting-over-them process. But if you were in a relationship, there was likely some point where you loved each other. Beautiful times, wrapped up in one another, falling in love under the autumn trees. Best friends and lovers all at once.

This isn’t to say you should still be together, or that you should ignore all the red flags. 

Things ended for a reason, so don’t confuse fond memories with nostalgia. We’re not telling you to get back with your ex. But maybe, the reality is there were good times, and it was meant to come to an end. Maybe both things can exist simultaneously. You can accept it ended – that the love faded or changed or just wasn’t meant to last – but still remember there was joy scattered throughout there, too. Hopefully, no matter how shitty and slow and dragged out the ending was, it’s not all you remember when you look back. 

So, while slow-burn breakups suck, they might be for the best. Sometimes the love is not meant to last, and a breakup is overdue. But remember, all relationships go through rocky periods, and a professional relationship therapist can help you get back on track, if you decide that’s what you want. 

Whether you decide to break it off or keep trying, don't forget to tend to your little house plant, whether that’s your love for your partner, or your single self. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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