Independence Lay: People Share the Most Patriotic Sex They've Ever Had
Illustration by Katherine Killeffer

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Independence Lay: People Share the Most Patriotic Sex They've Ever Had

"We got through security with those Ziplocs no problem and started sprinkling our pubes throughout Disney."
July 4, 2016, 4:30pm

This Fourth of July weekend, most Americans will take take the opportunity to set off fireworks and char some dogs on the grill. Realistically, a large subset of that group will take advantage of the ear-deafening noise to hide the euphoric shrieks elicited from making the beast with two backs.

Ignoring the Kool-Aid stains, egg salad that's been sitting out in the sun for a couple hours too long, and the omnipresent chafing thighs, there's nothing more American than getting rowdy in the hay on America's Independence Day with a red-blooded conquest bred on Grade A USDA beef. While most spend their Fourth of July BBQ scarfing various meat products, some have gone above and beyond the call of duty to celebrate America's birthday with a bang. When asked for their most patriotic sexual experiences, these true Americans (and one South African) rose to the occasion. All names have been changed.

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Eunice

A friend of mine and I had gone on an international trip. We wanted to be spontaneous, so we had left with just our passports and some money. Destination? Unspecified. It was really great, we ended up in Europe, but on our way back, we realized how happy we were to be getting back to America. America is problematic, but overall America is the shit.

Obviously, we were on an American Airlines flight—an eight-hour flight. I started to get bored, so in the middle, I turned to my friend and was like, "Yo, you need to go to the bathroom." He was pretty confused at first, but then finally said, "Alright."

Being inaugurated into the mile-high club is more important than being inaugurated as the United States president. It was horrible; there's a lot of leverage you need to get with your leg. Those airplane bathroom surfaces are not meant for that.

Kourtney

My boyfriend and I decided to just keep it mellow for Fourth of July and got some pizza to eat on my rooftop. We could see the fireworks from all different angles; one thing led to another, and we started doing it. It was mostly missionary.

Still, it was freeing to be on my roof naked, symbolically watching the fireworks. That's America, right? The land of the free. I guess it was freeing for the kids next door, too. It was starting to get kind of dark, and we were both in a sex coma when we looked across and saw the neighbor's kids. They didn't say anything; they were probably too shocked. We don't see them much anymore.

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Photo via Wikimedia Commons

Jacques

I had sex in a national park in South Africa, right at the foot of a huge cross erected by the first explorer to round Cape Point. It's not just Americans that can be patriotic.

Claudia

I hadn't seen my boyfriend for a couple of weeks, so we were really missing each other. A small town 30 minutes away from us was having a blowout Fourth of July parade, so we drove down and found a side of a hill to set up a blanket and started banging. There were fireworks going off and we could hear people from the parade cheering.

We didn't realize at first, but we later found out that we could see the parade coming around the corner. No one could see us, but I felt really connected to America. We were also right next to a church.

That was just the Fourth of July. For the rest of the summer I kept hooking up at a World War 1 memorial, which happened multiple times because it had a really pretty view. Whenever there was a sunset, it would be, watch the sunset, then get some. Overall, I really supported America that summer.

Zachary and Gerald

It was Fourth of July, and we had plans to go to Disneyland with some friends. Before going, we got hammered and decided to manscape. But instead of washing our pubes down the sink and clogging up the drains, we thought it would be a good idea to put our pubes in plastic baggies and take them with us.

We got through security with those Ziplocs no problem and started sprinkling our pubes throughout Disney. We felt pretty patriotic, walking and sprinkling pubes down on Main Street, USA. Later, we held them up over our heads and released pubes while blasting off on a roller-coaster. Afterwards, we took whatever was left and threw them into the water at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride.

We later circled back to Main Street and tried to hook up off a side-street, but we only got as far as making out because there were too many pube-covered employees around.