I haven’t read a single thing about the new iPad, iPad 3, iPad XL or whatever the hell it’s called. I swear. I haven’t had time. But I feel obligated as an editor of a tech blog—if that’s what you believe Motherboard is—to write something about it. Surely you know more about it than I. Hell, maybe you have one. I don’t even really know how it works. Was it unveiled yesterday or were there Tickle Me Elmo-style riots at an Apple Store over the first new shipment in from China? Regardless, I’m going to try and guess what the new version of the seminal tablet has to offer in terms of features or whatever and I’d appreciate it if you could just let me know if I’m right or not before I go out and buy one, which, I’m guessing, costs only $19.99 USD. Not a feature but still.Previous versions of the iPad, near as I can tell, cannot be used in the shower or for taking pictures/checking email underwater. As such a legion of fish finding apps will start popping up in the App Store, subsequently eviscerating the snorkeling industry’s hitherto thriving tourism sector. Some former snorkel guides will be able to link up with app developers to build the best apps for snorkeling, which will be written about in a post called The 30 Best Snorkeling Apps for iPad Nü on TechCrunch a few days from now.The new iPad is so lithe it can be slipped into a catalog envelope made out of damp toilet paper (thank god it’s waterproof) without tearing it. In the next couple of days, Etsy and Kickstarter will be abuzz with new projects by young designers making or looking for money to produce iPad cases made using spiderwebs and smoke.Everyone’s favorite autistic aunt is back! If you were annoyed by classics like “my friend won’t stop telling me to ask Siri to blow me” or “Siri doesn’t want me to get an abortion,” then just imagine how much you’ll hate this thing on a giant iPhone.I don’t even remember what it means to simply see something for what it is anymore. Pretty soon I’m going to be at the eye doctor getting fitted for 3D glasses because my vision is “boring.”No it isn’t.Unfortunately, gunshot damage isn’t covered under warranty.In keeping with their minimalist dream and starting with the new iPad, Apple is removing its logo from all of its products moving forward.Unfortunately, messiness is not covered under warranty.With the new iPad, Apple unveils its sentience chip, which allows your iPad to love you, apply the breaks on your car for you, sort your pills for you, etc.It’s got a little bit of Steve in it.There you have it. This is what’s probably new about the new iPad.
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