Spring is here! You know how I can tell? Well, besides the indecently pale legs of men in short-shorts parading down Greenwich Street, or the abundance of new faces on OKCupid, or the faint whiff of raw sewage on 2nd Avenue, or the fact that people on the streets of New York are actually smiling like lovesick adolescents, all naïve and unknowing, the real way to tell that spring is here is because there are ramps at the farmers market and fresh goat cheese on the counter.
Growing up in Northern California, I didn't experience the emotionally charged tangibility of season change—it's kinda perpetually spring there. And although there is something placid and soothing about it, there is also almost a lull, a white noise buzzing, a numbness of repetition. But unlike us jaded humans, animals know when spring has sprung, and start to get all randy and kinky. It's when the barnyard turns into a full-blown brothel and everyone wants to get a piece. Spring is the time of year to get out there and try a little something-something.
So, let's just be honest: You probably want to get some soon. It makes you feel good, it calms the nerves—albeit just momentarily—and it reminds you that we humans are all connected. We are just wild animals trying to be tame.
Here's a little trick to encapsulate spring in edible form—and to impress the panties or boxers off anyone you would like to lay:
- Go to a cheese shop or bodega or grocery store. Buy a chunk or tub or dollop of some fresh goat cheese. This is gonna be slightly tangy, with bright, citrus-y notes of lemon zest and white pepper.
- Go to a farmer's market and get a bunch of ramps, those wild leeks that pop up all over the northeast US this time of year. They are a bit like green garlic and taste like the best Chinese food you will ever have.
- Dice up the ramps and then mix them with the fresh goat cheese. Do you like Alouette or Boursin? Then this will blow your ever-lovin' mind. Add a tiny dash of sherry vinegar, and you've got yourself some homemade, gourmet shit right there.
Now whip out your phone, load up your favorite dating app, and live out all your fantasies with whichever stranger "matches" you first. Good luck, and godspeed.