Dumb Football With Mike Tunison, Week 12

The Patriots quest for a perfect season has once again been denied, and we didn't even need ol' open-mouthed Eli Manning to save us. New England still very well might end up winning the Super Bowl, and while that outcome will likely offer numerous delightful shots of a dismayed Roger Goodell, it would also mean a parade of insufferability unseen since the last Boston championship.

It would have been exponentially worse if the Patriots completed the perfect season. Not only would the Pats have been showing up the league, but also the legions of people who resent them and celebrated when they went 18-1.

But now that's done and whew, what a burden has been lifted off this season. It hasn't been a great NFL year, what with the sloppy games, endless injuries, clownish officiating, and constant reminders that the NFL is morally bankrupt. At least there's the comforting knowledge that it won't end with a Pats 19-0 season.

Yes, yes, Tom Brady, tell me how upset you were!

"It was a very hard loss," Brady said. "I don't think I've ever been so visibly pissed off after a loss. And I think everyone felt the same way. Hopefully we can use it as motivation going forward. Like I said, there's things that we could have done better. And it's certainly not to leave it up to a call here or a call there or one player. There's things across the board that we need to do a better job of and we can do a better job of. And that's what the focus is going to be this week."

Aw yeah, that's the stuff. The subtle hint at being miffed about the officiating makes it even more delectable.

I can see Brady raining spittle on his trench coat in the locker room complaining about that offensive pass interference call on Rob Gronkowski. The fact that the Pats were on the wrong side of a few suspect calls makes the experience even better. There was Bill Simmons comparing the game to a WWE pay-per-view, an odd pejorative since Bill's quite the wrasslin' fan himself. The Patriots have revelled in indignation through victory, and fostered the belief that their battle against the injustice of Deflategate was some sort of virtuous quest; they only redoubled the righteousness after a recent report suggested that Spygate was even more damning than previously believed.

Nope. Neither the NFL nor the New England Patriots are the good guys and neither side deserves absolute satisfaction.

Gronk May Live To 69/420/Deez Nutz/LOL Another Day

Though Rob Gronkowski is scheduled to undergo an MRI on Monday morning after being carted off in Denver the previous night, Patriots officials are reportedly optimistic, according to Adam Schefter. This is certainly encouraging for New England, for as much as there's an assumption—and perhaps some truth—to the notion that Tom Brady can propel a group of middling receivers into contending for a title, Gronk is too important to the offense and too difficult to gameplan against to be replaced through some creative scheming. Losing Gronk wouldn't spell the end for the Pats, though it surely would make them a lot more vulnerable against the AFC's flawed playoff field.

WTF, Ben Roethlisberger Is Being The Responsible One?

The St. Louis Rams made a mockery of the NFL's concussion protocol by leaving Case Keenum in last week's game despite him obviously being concussed when his head bounced off the turf and he visibly struggled to get to his feet. The NFL then made a mockery of itself by holding exactly no one responsible for that horrorshow. This week, there would be even more scrutiny on teams about ensuring that players aren't risking further brain injury by being left in the game.

That Ben Roethlisberger self-reported his concussion late in the game in Seattle is an interesting case. Obviously, the NFL would love to put the onus on the players for honestly divulging all their ailments, if only to shift the responsibility away from far richer, far safer parties that never wanted any part of it. In a sport where contracts aren't guaranteed and only the very best players are not easily expendable, expecting players to self-report injuries that could cost them their jobs is not realistic. In fact, only a franchise player like Roethlisberger could be secure enough to make this move.

You could easily argue that the NFL's concussion crisis is a labor issue. If players felt less vulnerable in their jobs, they might be willing to report concussions; they'd take better care of themselves, in other words, if they thought their teams wouldn't punish them for it. Of course, that would require a concession to the union that the owners aren't likely to make. If the NFL is not willing to levy a fine on the Rams after they casually put a player in harm's way, what would make you believe either party would take a momentous step like that?

The Steelers Are Only Smart About This One Thing

Pittsburgh may have tried an inane fake field goal coming out of a quarter change when the Seahawks had plenty of time to see it coming, but their daring is also evident in a positive way: the Steelers on Sunday tied the single-season record for most two-point conversions in NFL history with six. That still doesn't seem like that many, though now that Pittsburgh has established a precedent for the strategy's success, you could see that figure easily eclipsed in the future. It will also help if Jeff Fisher is no longer a head coach.

'Tis The Season For Beat Reporters To Worry About How Full The Stands Are

Surprising number of empty seats just before kickoff here for an 8-2 team… — Nick Wagoner (@nwagoner)November 29, 2015

In general NFL attendance tends to wane toward the end of the regular season. This makes sense for several reasons: the weather sucks, fans of bad teams lose interest, the NFL gameday experience is not particularly good and it somehow takes some people 10 weeks to remember that.

Anyway, this is something that beat reporters care about dearly. I follow way too many of them on Twitter so I saw endless press box shots of half-filled stands around the country at the opening kickoff and the start of halftime, when either late-arriving crowds or people in the bathroom are only making the effect more pronounced. Frankly, I'm not sure why anyone would care about attendance figures unless you own the team.

This Week In Carson Palmer Being A Physically Fit Chris Farley Character

The Cardinals prevailed over a clearly inferior 49ers team in a game that was closer than some might have expected, though more of America was occupied with what was going on in Seattle during the late games. Here's what America missed: Carson Palmer continued his habit of awkwardly intense celebrations. A few weeks ago, he was crotch chopping at the fans in Seattle. Now he's spiking the ball so hard he's falling over. I fully endorse the Cardinals winning the Super Bowl if it means Palmer trying to swing the Lombardi trophy over his head and clocking Roger Goodell in the process.

Falcons Fans Blame A YouTube Star For Their Team's Freefall And I Like It

hate to do this again butthe atlanta falcons haven't won a game since they allowed this halftime performance — Ashley Holcomb (@ashleyxholcomb)November 22, 2015

So often, idiot fans look toward a quarterback's significant other when his team starts falling apart midseason. For example, Seahawks fans crying about Ciara and Packers fans claiming Olivia Munn is making Aaron Rodgers' arm fall off. This is dumb and sexist and generally very bad. And, though it may be a product of Matt Ryan not having a romantic interest that anyone is aware of, Falcons fans are instead blaming YouTube star MattyB for the team's collapse, as the Falcons have not won since he performed at halftime of a home game. This is no less dumb and only slightly less mean-spirited, but I'll be damned if I don't enjoy it. Way to strike just the right chord of regressive fun, Falcons fans.

Phil Simms Is The Hell Jim Nantz Deserves

As both a middle-aged white male and the living embodiment of Middle-Aged White Maleness, it's no wonder that Jim Nantz has a good life. He will not check his privilege—he wouldn't know where to start, or what that even is—and he's calling the cops the second your music goes above 65 decibels. But even a figure as patrician as Jim Nantz suffers, dear reader.

Oh, the anguish he must endure trying to carry Phil Simms' toilet logic and mouthfarts through a three-hour broadcast on a twice-weekly basis. Just look how his face twists when Phil Simms explains his "Sleepless in Seattle" pun coming out of halftime of the Steelers-Seahawks game. I feel that pain, and I never thought I could empathize with Jim Nantz.

The 4th and 26 "30 for 30" Will Not Be A Joyous One

Weird thing about 4th and 26: Donovan threw it, Freddie caught it, Darren Sharper defended it. And they're all in jail right now.

— Reuben Frank (@RoobCSN)November 29, 2015

The 10th anniversary of the legendary 4th-and-26 play that enabled the Eagles to get past the Packers just to lose one week later to the NFC champion Carolina Panthers has already passed. Despite the lack of chronological news peg, now's an interesting time to revisit, because as of today three players who figured prominently in the play will all be in jail. Donovan McNabb is in for his latest DUI. Freddie Mitchell is doing time for tax fraud. And of course Darren Sharper is doing not nearly enough time for being a serial rapist. What a lovely trio bonded through marginal sports history.

Speaking of which, kudos to LeSean McCoy for shouting out Aaron Hernandez's safe-cracking Super Bowl celebration after scoring on Sunday in Kansas City. I initially assumed he had that one saved for the Patriots but never had the chance to use it. Then I noticed McCoy did score when the Bills played the Pats in New England. What gives, buddy?

Matt Millen Is (Snicker, Snicker) So Sorry, Detroit

The former president of the Lions must have assumed few enough people were concerned with the Buccaneers-Colts game that he could finally slip in an acknowledgement that he was in over his head as an NFL executive. Thankfully, the Internet is always watching. It has to provide little solace to Detroit fans that Millen is just now owning up about his blunders—nearly a decade after leaving the job, and while broadcasting a regional game that doesn't even involve his former team. Then again, Lions fans might be slightly softened up after putting together their first three-game winning streak on Thanksgiving since the '90s.

The Awesome Beckham Catch That Couldn't Save His Sad Team

Odell Beckham has a balletic grace coupled with superhuman agility that allows him to make insane catches that slightly improve losses for his team. The one-handed catch that launched him to stardom last season came in a loss to Washington. This diving touchdown grab against Washington, arguably his best catch since, pulled the Giants within reach of a comeback victory, but that's as close as they got.

In Which A Formerly Spontaneous Celebration Becomes Tiresome

There are many reasons to dread Washington vaulting to first place in a desolate NFC East. An emerging one is the team belaboring Kirk Cousins' "you like that!?" postgame screeching. The whole point of that becoming a thing hinged on Cousins acting like a spazzy weirdo. I know he's the starter and team has to rally around him, but you don't have to inflict this on us every week. I salute a solid heel move, but at least make it clever, y'know?

The Broncos Set A Record For The Ages

When the Broncos win, the orange mustache is permanent!! — Donald Frei (@donfreimd)November 30, 2015

Because football games are strange rituals in many ways, some of which even I don't entirely grasp, the Denver Broncos recently set out to establish a world record for the most people in one place wearing a fake mustache, in this case an orange one. A Google search reveals this was done to raise awareness for a bevy of men's health issues, so thank you, Broncos. My prostate salutes you.

Fan of the Week

Beleaguered fans paying to fly an airplane banner over NFL practices and games is a costly and, ultimately, futile attempt to effect change in a pro football franchise. It nevertheless has a spotless record in garnering attention, which is something, I guess? San Francisco fans on Sunday flew a crowdfunded banner over Levi's Stadium that read "Jed & 49ers should mutually part ways." An ace zinger to be sure, but probably not compelling enough to get the rich guy to part with an extremely valuable asset.

Still, credit to this Niners fan for going so far as to blame 49ers owner Jed York for things like Chris Borland retiring early out of health concerns and Aldon Smith's arrest record. York is a lousy owner and certainly not without his share of blame in the 49ers current woes, but he doesn't need anyone to pad his stats for him.

Five Winners Who Covered Their Bloodline in Glory

1. Anthony Barr, the second-year Vikings linebacker made no fewer than three game-changing plays to keep Atlanta at bay in a game Minnesota won comfortably. The one that will get the most play in highlight packages is Barr chasing down Falcons running back Tevin Coleman on what was a huge gain until Barr punched the ball out in Vikings territory, causing a key turnover. They were all great.

2. Russell Wilson, temporarily allaying some fears about nanobubbles secretly ruining the Seahawks offense with a five-touchdown outing. Losing Jimmy Graham for the year with a torn patellar tendon is certainly a damper, though it does mercifully spare the rest of the football world from hearing about how the star tight end—and, ICYMI, former basketball player—is (mis)used in the offense.

3. Jeremy Maclin, on a Sunday when every back or receiver that Chip Kelly has let walk in the past two years scored a touchdown, Maclin had the biggest day of all.

4. C.J. Anderson. While Brock Osweiler is going to receive the bulk of the credit for no other reason than being the quarterback of the winning team, it was Anderson breaking off big runs in the snow, including this vicious jump cut on his first touchdown, that really keyed the Broncos comeback.

5. Ezekiel Ansah, asked of his thought process going against the Eagles' Lane Johnson during his three-and-a-half-sack and forced fumble Thanksgiving performance: "Beat him. Get to the quarterback. Get my turkey dance on." And turkey dance he did.

Five Losers Bathing in the Hard Water of Infinite Shame

1. Ndamukong Suh. A week after reportedly firing up his team with a speech about how his teammates are mostly losers unworthy of his majesty, the Miami defense was boatraced by a laughably meek Jets offense. You will believe someone can make Ryan Fitzpatrick look like Beardy Montana, a name that can also double as a rustic cousin for French Montana.

2. Nick Foles, who did Nick Foles things.

3. Antwon Blake. The Steelers corner is one of the most targeted defenders in the league for good reason. Given that he's playing with a fractured thumb, it's fair to cut him some slack for the lowlight reel of missed tackles against the Seahawks, though I need someone to represent the overall ineptitude of the Pittsburgh defense on Sunday and he's as good an avatar as any. It's a wonder what it would take for the Steelers staff to get Brandon Boykin on the field.

4. Tony Romo, though his season was marked and then ended by serious injury, he did not depart without first providing the haters with an assortment of farewell gifts, in the form of three interceptions in a Thanksgiving blowout loss.

5. Chris Harper, whose muffed punt early in the fourth quarter breathed life into a moribund Broncos team down 21-7 at that point. Denver went on to score 17 straight points and it was only by virtue of another amazingly clutch Patriots field goal in the snow that New England was even able to force overtime.

As For Tonight…

Browns fans are already a people accustomed to watching football in defiance of better judgment. This is simply their chance to share the experience with a national audience.

Benching Johnny Manziel for partying is sort of like bringing down Dov Charney for bad tweets. I'm not sure what made my mind go with that comparison, but it's early on a Monday and I'm sticking with it.

Anyway, said benching plus a season-ending injury to Joe Flacco leaves us with Matt Schaub against Josh McCown, with all the trappings of a third place battle in the AFC North. Both defenses are pretty awful as well, so it's possible that two average-to-subpar quarterbacks are made to look decent. Josh McCown has at least shown recently that he's capable of adequacy. The last the world saw of Matt Schaub, he was looking done in limited action with the Raiders in 2014 after getting beaten out for the starting job by Derek Carr. And that was a year after he looked done and set a record for consecutive games with a pick-six as a member of the Texans.

Can the always tactful folks at Ravens PR put a positive spin on this?

At any rate, it's the most positive Matt Schaub headline in several years.