I have seen some weird shit on London buses. This one time, some dude threw eggs down the stairs for no reason other than to watch them splatter. People are always pissing on the seats. Boshing ketamine out of KFC boxes. Having impromptu sing-a-longs. Fist fights. Shagging. You name it, the London bus has probably seen it, because they’re basically a concise sample of every type of person in the city crammed into one small space, and there's a lot people.
With that in mind, soak in this Facebook Live video of Craig David. The sight of Craig David launching into his well known 2000 single “7 Days” on the bus to some acoustic guitar strums before all the passengers join in, nodding and laughing good-naturedly, isn’t exactly really fucking wild. But it is interesting, so let’s first take a look, before getting into the real meat of the thing, which is that I have a few very important questions I would like to bring to the table.
That’s nice, isn’t it, just a 12-minute video of Craig David there, sponsored by BT, the telephone company, uploaded to Facebook, just of him being typical crazy Craig, totally impulsive as usual, singing to this group of random people who definitely thought this was a regular commute into Brent Cross or wherever, but no, it was not! Love it. Love it. Just a few things though:
1. Why does neither Craig David, his guitarist nor his camera crew use Oyster cards?
If I got onto the bus without my Oyster, I would be fined fifty quid, then if I didn't pay that fine, it would be quadrupled, then I would receive a court summons. And I know this, because it's happened twice.
2. Why is this bus full of young people?
Young people are never out in London during the day – they are hungover in bed, or at school, or working one of their three jobs to pay their £800 a month rents in zone 4. The only people you will find on a bus during the day are retired people who pull those mouldy floral shopping trolley bags about and shout at other passengers to move.
3. Why do none of these people have their phones out?
People film themselves staring into space for their Instagram stories, so why aren't they filming Craig David saying “vibes” while dancing in some pleather on the bus? I would have my phone out before I'd even seen him. I would have my phone out the moment I smelled his Paco Rabanne aftershave coming round that corner.
4. At 1.34 he shrugs and says “sometimes it's easier to jump on a bus and take the route to where we're recording today, so it was like, 'let's just jump on'.” Is it easier, though?
Is it easier to record on the bus on the way to the studio, rather than in the studio itself? Is this how it really went down?
5. What if these passengers don't want an impromptu bus freestyle from Craig David?
Imagine if you'd just received some really bad news, like your grandad just had a heart attack and you were on the way to hospital to say your final goodbyes, and then Craig David jumps on the bus and starts singing “7 Days” at you? Like, literally at your face? It's worth thinking about.
6. Why do a load those people slowly walk down the stairs in unison?
Have you seen people go down the bus stairs usually? It's fucking carnage out there. People have died while shoving themselves down those stairs. Don't Google the figures, because you will never again go on the top deck of a bus.
7. For real though, how much are these people getting paid to be on this hired vehicle for 15 minutes?
Judging by their faces, I am going to say £30, five of which was spent on the journey getting into the suburbs where this is shot.
Okay, that's all.
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