We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume Six

Every month, we do a really stupid thing. We announce to our 100k+ Twitter followers (sorry, we just hit six digits and are super proud of ourselves) that for the next 30 minutes, we, the humbly pompous editors of Noisey will review whatever the living hell you, the people of internet, send us. We have done this before and always hate ourselves/music afterwards. This round of digital whateverthefucks was judged by Dan Ozzi, Eric Sundermann, and special guest Dave Matthews. (No, not that Dave Matthews, although how dope would that be?) Dave is actually the editor of Vice’s newly launched sports thingy, Vice Sports. Pretty ironic that Vice Sports has an editor named Dave Matthews and Noisey has an editor named Eli Manning. (JK, that’d be dope too, though.) Anyway, here’s the shit you tweeted at us. Please stop, by the way…

Dave: This starts off like a Joe Satriani song, so, depending on your views on The Satch, it could be a thing someone would listen to. Then we’re transported to a Phish song, so there’s that. Guy in the Tigger costume is cool, I guess.

Dan: Hey guys, you forgot to do a last-minute pre-set check to make sure no one in your band is dressed like Tigger.

Eric: I’m honestly down with anything that has a bass solo from Tigger.

Dave: I’m going to get labeled as a racist (curse my British, long-dead maternal grandfather), so I am not touching this.

Dan: My name is Dan Ozzi and I am the 81,484,243th viewer of this, whatever it is.

Eric: Wow this is awesome. Some googling around tells me that “Why This Kolaveri Di?” means “Why Do You Have Murderous Rage Against Me, Girl?” which is a question I support asking.

Dave: “Bipolar Winter” is not my favorite album name ever. I like metal, sometimes, but I really hate most metal vocals. Bleh.

Dan: Dave, what are you talking about? This is perfect JNCO pant music.

Eric: I had JNCO pants once. I think I was in like 6th grade and they were the kind with the green-haired mad scientist character. Anyway this song sucks and sounds kind of like if Nickelback played basketball with Staind.

@danozzi @NoiseyMusic @ericsundy @davidmatthews__ pls review this picture of my dog pic.twitter.com/lrSwkv4QlX

— heather n. johnson (@hnjohnso) June 24, 2014

Dave: This is a dog. It is one of those small dogs that is probably very annoying if it’s not your small dog. D+.

Dan: You’re asking us to review the photo and not the dog. So, the photo sucks. There aren’t even any meme words written on the top or bottom. Can he Can Haz anything? Cheezburgers, maybe? He’s not even talking on a phone. Jeez.

Eric: What the fuck are you guys talking about? This dog is absolutely adorable.

Dave: I was right there! I was right there for the first 17 seconds before the screams started.

Dan: If this band is looking for a quote to put on a sticker for the cover of their album, here you go: “This band is very special at making noise.” - Dan Ozzi, music-hating guy, Noisey

Eric: I kind of fucked with this until I realized it just sounds like a chainsaw that’s been lit on fire.

Dave: There’s a painting of a really sad dog for this album art, which is a bold choice. I bet I would’ve seen this band at so many shows when I was 14 and angry at my parents. Then one of them would’ve picked me up afterward.

Dan: Oh, I saw this band in a VFW Hall in 1999. Not this band, specifically, but this is what every band in a VFW Hall sounded like in 1999.

Eric: lol Dan you were 14 in 1999? Dude you’re so old. And for the record, one time when I was in a band we played a show in a VFW Hall. It was for a birthday party and this band probably opened.

Dan: Nah, dude, I was 56 in 1999.

Dave: This is reminiscent of that track on that one Ko[backward]rn album that has one of the Pharcyde guys on it. It’s got that going for it.

Dan: This is hip-hop for people who work at Dairy Queen.

Eric: This is conscious rap for people in Iowa. (And I can make that joke because I’m from Iowa.)

Dave: Love everything about this.

Dan: I legitimately don’t get why Riff Raff is famous and this guy can’t even afford a shirt.

Eric: “In my head I’m motherfucking Kanye West.” I’m sold.

Dave: Is “grill” slang for ass now? I missed the meeting where that was decided and I wish to file a formal complaint.

Dan: Hi, I’m not gonna play an album whose cover is two man asses. Just not gonna do it. Not that I have a problem with man asses, but it’s just the principle. Also, if I’m gonna critique the asses, I’m gonna tell them to get on a serious squat routine. Twice a week, barbell squats. Five sets of 10 reps at 75% of your max.

Eric: Well this fucking sucks.

Dan: I don’t know much about Aaliyah but I get the feeling that if she was alive, she wouldn’t like someone modifying her voice to make it sound like she’s coming out of a bunch of passing car windows.

Dave: “College apps are stressful…” -- a part of ALÉS’s SoundCloud bio and all I bothered with here.

Eric: Dude, college apps are stressful though. Anyway, I’m enjoying this, even though I recognize it probably was remixed in about 30 seconds junior effects program on a rich kid’s MacBook.

Dan: Now is the point in the review process where I get tired of listening to things and start thinking about getting food. Would you guys be down for ordering a pizza?

Dave: “If ‘Butch Dawson’ isn’t some cowboy-killer, Nick Cave-style shit, I am going to be mad.” -- Me, seconds before listening to part of a perfectly acceptable rap song. I guess you’re winning, Butch.

Eric: This is kind of cool but this guy wants his flow to be a lot cooler than it actually is. Stop caring so much, dude.

Dan: The cover of this album reminds me that when I was 17, I made a sharp turn while driving, skidded on some ice, and hit a parked car. My car got $1200 worth of damage but the parked car was fine. I drove away and didn’t leave a note.

Dave: Sure, fine. What’s the status with that pizza.

Eric: Can we get pepperoni?

Dave: Seriously, where is that pizza?

Dan: This song has one like, which is ten too many.

Eric: It’s an album, Dan. Did you even listen? SMH. (For the record, it’s pretty bad though.)

Dave: Tags for this include “techstep” and “Ottawa.”

Dan: Hey, you guys forgot to put music on this track of you dicking around with buttons.

Eric: What exactly is “techstep?” I’m down with this, though, despite not being stoned.

Dan: Fuck I want that pizza.

Dave: Why would you want to sound like a slowed-down DFA1979?

Eric: A Guide to Rational Living is a pretty dope band name. That’s all I’ll say about this, though.

Dan: We actually premiered a song by this dude once and I did the write up. I thought it was really cool despite the fact that the dude looks like an elf who hangs out at thrift stores.

Dave: I like this a lot? [keeps tab open for later] Totally see the elf-in-thrift-stores thing though.

Eric: Oh, Dan likes this band? They probably suck so I won’t listen.

Dan: What language is this? It sounds like Bob Dylan trying to speak Dutch.

Dave: Hey, good for these guys for expressing themselves creatively.

Eric: This guy said he’d “regret sending this,” so I feel bad ripping into him. It’s not bad, to be honest, and shout out to all of the times playing the acoustic guitar has gotten this dude laid.

Dan: OK, I am pro-Denis Leary samples and then it’s just…I dunno, music and stuff? I really want that pizza and I’m feeling pepperoni right now.

Dave: The last track on this mix(tape?), which is called ‘Trivial Pursuit,’ which is a great game, is ‘Irish Exit.’ Not going to listen to it, but I bet it’s about getting too drunk at a bar and leaving a Trivial Pursuit game without telling anyone. Kudos in advance, Jed Sed.

Eric: This sounds like something like Kyle Beckerman, the US Soccer player who looks like he’s done one too many tabs of acid at Phish concerts, would listen to.

Dave: Guarantee void in Tennessee! Pepperoni works.

Dan: Dave, it’s $6 each. Should be ready in 20 minutes. I got garlic knots too.

Eric: The guy who sent this to us said it’d be “the chillest music we’ve heard all day” which I guess, yeah, if you remix Kid Cudi’s “Day N Nite” with some beats that sound like they fell out of a sophomore in college’s backpack, then yeah, it’s pretty chill. (Just so we’re clear though, that doesn’t mean this is good.) Anyway, weed is cool.

Dave: Yes, knots! I’ve only got a twenty tho. Re: artist whose name looked like “Ash Labia (the most metal of the bastardized/re-appropriated Catholic feast days): this is pleasant but I just cannot. I lived through Dido once and that was enough.

Oh my god, is this over? Can I go back to Sports now? Dan, data-ping me on ICQ when the pizza’s here.

Dan: Dave, how mad would you be if I already ate most of the knots? There’s a small one left. Like, you could tell it was an accident knot, but they threw it in anyway.

Dave: Goddamnit.

Eric: Music is so dope.

Also check out some other times we’ve subjected ourselves to this awful monthly ritual.