Ever wondered why people who listen to Bastille are all unbearable humans? Well now you can find out. Online research specialists YouGov have made a tool which analyzes data from 190,000 of their UK members (again, this is just specific to the UK) to help you profile people with what they call “a greater granularity and accuracy than ever before.” So now you know that the average Bastille fan is a right-wing woman in her 20s who works in marketing and describes herself as "kooky." Suddenly it all starts to make more sense.
Essentially, this is supposed to be a tool for brands, so that they can determine things like whether getting Meghan Trainor to advertize their latest electronic toothbrush is a good idea if they are targeting it at 18-21-year-olds in Des Moines. But what is supposed to just be a commercial tool is actually an addictive application for determining how true most stereotypes are across the board.
The in-depth categories of research are split into demographics, lifestyle (food and hobbies), personality, brands, entertainment, online activity, and media (what papers they read). This isn’t just like finding a needle in a haystack. It’s like finding out the needle reads the NME, tweets about Karl Marx, banks with Chase, and eats onion bhajis.
The problem with this YouGov tool is that most of the sample sizes are so small that the resulting statistics veer between surely incorrect to just wild as shit. A lesser publication might use these tiny samples to make some pretty disingenuous claims—like how the 185 candidates who said they enjoy Noel Gallagher are extremely right wing fashion designers who look like this.
But that’s not us, and there are decent sample sizes within the tool if you look hard enough, and analyzing those results is much more fun, because not only are the reflecting statistics really fucked up, they are also probably quite true. Here are the findings from our entire night playing with this stereotype slaughter house.
Most Lana Del Rey fans are young, horny men
Majority of the Born to Die stans are dudes who are interested in sex, enjoy the macho appeal of boxing, have a fair wedge of spare cash, and get their clothes from Urban Outfitters. So basically, all the people who like Lana Del Rey are people who think she might possibly date them.
Cliff Richard is the soundtrack of right wing politics
We all knew it, but now it’s right there in statistics. The middle of the road skiffle tinged contemporary Christian pop of Cliff Richard is the most favored music of fans of the Conservative party (2820 sample size), UKIP (8020 sample size) and Daily Mail readers (10,712 sample size). In fact, it’s hard to believe how well the UKIP entertainment preferences play perfectly into stereotypes: Dad’s Army, Jeremy Clarkson, Zulu, and Mike Read? Perhaps surprisingly though, in the far-right BNP, they prefer their hate thought to be soundtracked by Black Sabbath and 50 Cent.
Morrissey fans are not hypocrites, but they are insufferable
Meat is murder etc. etc., and it seems that Morrissey fans are happy to follow their dour overlord into a life of being a nuisance at dinner parties and unwanted flatulence. They rank vegetarian sausage rolls, vegetarian haggis, and satay tofu as their top foods. They also cement their status as people you’d least want to hang out with, describing themselves as misanthropic, alternative types who prefer Fanta to Coke and part with their cash on Indie GoGo, presumably so they can support start-up cradle-to-grave llama farms.
Drake fans aren't much for outdoor pursuits
One area of the YouGov tool is called “Personality”, and seems to base it’s finding on common statements among those candidates. This research for Drake is pretty much dead on.
Oasis vs. Blur was about politics and class
The stats suggest that the 90s “Battle of Britpop” didn’t just boil down to whether you preferred Damon Albarn’s coiffed fringe over Liam’s wanker swagger. It represented opposites throughout your entire way of life. The archetype Oasis fan—according to YouGov—is a right-leaning, tabloid reader, who works in construction, gorges chocolate fudge pudding, and watches Family Guy. Whereas model Blur fans are London based office workers who lean left, read The Guardian, and play Scrabble. Worth noting that Blur fans second most favored band is Pulp, whereas the second most popular band amongst Oasis fans? Blur.
Older Women Are the Driving Force of Mainstream Music
You may have suspected that fans of Coldplay, Ellie Goulding, and Pharrell would be females in their 40s who work in law, health care or retail, and shop at Cosco. But Kasabian, the Miller Lite soaked beacons of bro culture and football sync deals? Apparently so. Dear Kasabian, statistically, most people are probably enjoying “Club Foot” with a glass of cheap red and a defrosted prawn ring. At least we now know where Serge gets his hairstyle from.
Radiohead fans are as boring as you thought they were.
They work in IT, shop at Nisa, watch Formula 1, drive Fiat cars, and own cats.
And if you've ever wondered why decent popstars rarely win the X Factor
You can follow Joe on Twitter: @cide_benengeli
This article originally appeared on Noisey UK.