1995 Was The Best Year For Australian Pop Music

While we’re usually content sucking down on American pop music like it’s a Bubblegum Quasar Zooper Dooper, the one fact that we’re usually reluctant to swallow is that Australian pop music can be good. It can be GREAT.

Now I’m not talking whatever ex-Australian Idol artist is singing heart-boner, guitar jams on Triple J right now. I’m thinking bona fide cheeseball pop, the kind that you may have had a love/hate relationship with at the time, but years later are all, “Oh yeah, remember when I wasn’t crushed by the weight of adulthood? That was such a cool time”.

1995 was the best year for Australian pop music.

Merril Bainbridge Did Stuff With Her Mouth

Oh my god you guys, you know who signed Merril Bainbridge? John Farnham! The only thing more Australian than that is Bob Hawke saying, “Fuck your employers, take a sickie tomorrow!” and then sinking bulk piss.

“Mouth” was number one on the ARIA charts for six weeks and even managed to make the top five in the U.S (not that we need their validation, but you know, we do). It was obviously très saucy, but in interviews Merril always used to bang on about how any sexual inferences in “Mouth” were completely accidental, and that it was all about feelings and being in a relationship. “I jump on you, you jump on me”? C’MON.

Also, unless you’re getting some mouth it sounds like a lame ass relationship.

Tina Arena Was in Chains in Sorrento or Something

Do you remember during Live 8 when Tina Arena was performing with Craig David in Paris, and everyone was like: “What in the actual fuck, how do Europeans even know who she is”? 1995 is how Europeans know her!

That year she released the singles “Chains” and “Sorrento Moon (I Remember)” from her album of the previous year, Don’t Ask; which apparently was a HUGE hit with the English, Germans, Swiss, and producers of Hey Hey, It’s Saturday. The music video missed the opportunity to engage in some fun S&M imagery, but that was pre-50 Shades of Grey so I don’t know, maybe it hadn’t been invented yet. Now mums listen to Tina Arena in their 4-wheel drives while they’re waiting for their daughters to finish jazz ballet.

Kylie Got Cool

Like, whatever—I already thought she was pretty cool (duh, Michael Hutchence and the platinum blonde wig HATERZ). But 1995 was the year that Nick Cave extended his red right hand and was all “Hey babe, let’s sing a song about murder and shit”.

Nick Cave had been trying to write a duet for himself and Kylie Minogue for SIX YEARS before “Where The Wild Roses Grow” happened and after she/Elisa Day pulled an Ophelia in the video, she officially stopped being dorky Charlene. From that time onwards she had the Triple J stamp of approval and started to wear a lot of eyeliner and began to walk on water. Now she exclusively makes dance bangers for gay bars.

Paul Mac Won An ARIA, Thanked Sydney’s Ecstasy Dealers

Hey kids, before you all started smoking the ice and ripping your fucking arms to pieces, people took ecstasy in the club! Paul Mac and Andy Rantzen formed Itch-E and Scratch-E back in 1991, but it wasn’t until 1995 that they won the ARIA for Best Dance Release.

OK, so let’s all keep in mind that 1995 was the year that a 15-year-old student called Anna Wood died after taking ecstasy at a rave, so the media and the government and everyone’s parents were pretty critical of, you know, drugs. So when Paul Mac got up at the televised ARIA awards and said “We'd like to thank all of Sydney's ecstasy dealers, without whom this award would not be possible” people weren’t like “LOLOLOLOL, NAILED IT MAC!” they were like “Who the fuck is this clown?” But 18 years later, and it’s funny again.

Christine Anu, “My Island Home” And The Invention of Seapunk

So recently I’ve stumbled upon a basically game changing piece of knowledge—Christine Anu invented seapunk. If you don’t believe me, you need to watch the video for “My Island Home” and observe this little Cairns princess sing about her underwater Torres Strait Island home. SHE IS FLOATING IN AN ENDLESS EXPANSE OF BLUE AND ALSO HER HAIR IS IN MULTIPLE PLAITS AND ALSO, FISH.

Take that Rihanna!

CDB Did a Cover of “Let’s Groove” by Earth Wind and Fire

And for some reason, people fucking lost their MINDS. Despite the fact that the video looks like it was filmed in a Westfield shopping center.

Peter Andre Happened

When I think about Peter Andre— which is often—I think about how many people probably lost their virginity to “Mysterious Girl”.

So it may not be your standard sex jam, but just think of the scene: it’s summertime, party on the beach, the Malibu is flowing. Girl hears those steel drums, the comforting babble of Bubbler Ranx (…) and P.Andre’s wimpy ass plea that you “move your body close to mine”. “I AM a mysterious girl!” she thinks, before grabbing the nearest dude and sex-ing herself some validation. Right?

Fun fact: after Peter Andre appeared on I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here! his management re-released ‘Mysterious Girl’ and it peaked at number one in the U.K. Suckers ate up our 18-year-old leftovers with a SPOON.

Follow Sinead on Twitter: @SineadStubbins