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Someone Gave Naughty Boy an Average Music Review and He Wants to Send Them a Shit in The Post

Specifically, a post-salad shit.

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Naughty Boy.

Gavin: Hi Shahid Who Is Naughty Boy. Your song "Lifted" was the post-speech music for Ed Miliband at the Labour Party conference. But what do you think Ed could learn about politics from studying the modern UK chart dance industry?

Naughty Boy: How to dance? I think if you listen to the lyrics, you'll soon see that there's actually a very deep message in that song that Ed could absorb.

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What about the lyrics? It’s basically a song about oligopoly in energy markets, isn’t it?

Well it's actually about dying.

That sounds horrible.

It's actually very uplifting.

I dunno… have you ever died before? Seems pretty bad.

It's about facing things that you are afraid of, and living more fully through becoming aware of that fear, and choosing to go after the things that are really important.

Have you ever physically lifted Emeli Sande?

Spiritually, yes. Physically, no.

Why not? She’s been coming to your house for ages. Surely she must've had to change a lightbulb, or some other DIY for which a stepladder was unavailable?

No. Emeli's actually very athletic. I'm sure she could jump the last few steps herself.

Have you ever physically lifted anyone else with a public profile higher than, say, Trevor Nelson?

Yes I have. A top top star, in fact. Very high profile.

Who was that?

The name is… I can't tell you. Sorry. It's a secret.

Why not? Are you generally quite ashamed of the people you lift?

No, it's just that I sign confidentiality agreements before I lift people.

Well can you describe to us the physical sensation of lifting this person? Did they have a well-placed centre of gravity? Or was it just like hefting a 70 kilo bag of burrito mix?

They were quite easy to lift, actually. You know, sometimes I have some dusting to do around the studio, and I just need a little extension on my duster.

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Which alcopop do you think works best with your music at a student union bar: WKD, Smirnoff Ice, Bacardi Breezer, or Red Square?

Why do you have to go with one of those? What about Grey Goose? What about something a bit more classy?

Are you a conspicuous consumer, Shahid?

I'd say so. What's that thing, it's like a wine, but it's sparkling? Emeli's been getting into it lately.

'Like a wine but sparkling'… uh… Champagne??

No, no. It's a bit lower down on the ladder than champagne.

Prosecco?

Yes! Prosecco and orange juice. That's her new drink.

That's basically a bucks fizz, isn't it? That 's not exactly classy. I mean, you could say it was a bit of 70s revivalism…

Well that's what it is then. We're bringing the 70s back. Like Daft Punk. It's our own new wave.

Your breakthrough was covering White Town’s "Your Woman". But what’s the whitest town you’ve ever been to?

Uh, I'd have to say Alton in Hampshire. That was very white. In fact, I think I was probably the only non-white guy there when I was playing but it was very mellow out there, I don't think I felt self-conscious.

You never once sensed that the inhabitants secretly wanted to chase you out of town with pitchforks?

No. Though it probably wasn't as comfortable as when I was on Deal Or No Deal, where they deliberately have one of every type of person.

Sorry, are you saying they have a proper ethnic quota system on Deal Or No Deal?

Yes, I think there is. In fact I think if you wanted a tip on how to get on there, statistically, I suppose it is probably easier if you're from a minority background.

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Given how you won £44,000 under this regime of positive discrimination, do you not feel that maybe you should give some of that money back to white people to compensate them for their loss, statistically-speaking?

No! It got me to where I needed to be. I won that money, and I put it into my studio, and that's why I am where I am today. In the end, everyone's turned out quite happy after that, didn't they?

What do think Noel Edmond's deepest darkest secret kink is?

I suppose it's something to do with those boxes. The boxes and the numbers. I reckon he has them set up around his bedroom. It seems natural you'd get a bit obsessed with the boxes.

What would be in the boxes, do you think?

I wouldn't like to think too hard about that.

You previously worked at Watford’s famous Grove Hotel.

Yeah. It inspired my album.

I'm glad you finally got a mention of the album in. How good are you at polishing cutlery?

Cutlery wasn't really my thing while I was there. I was more on the teas and coffees side of things. We used all kinds of exotic types of coffee beans. The teas were flown in from France, I think.

Did you ever see a footballer do something mucky to an aspiring WAG in a laundry closet there?

I saw loads of things while I was there. Really. But unfortunately I have to maintain confidentiality.

What's a footballer's favourite sexual peccadillo, in your experience?

Let's just say they are far more in tune with feminine sides than you might think.

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They waddle around with their penises strapped between their legs, do they?

I think you might be on the right track there.

According to the Music OMH review of your record, “In the end, Hotel Cabana is essentially a halfway house between an Emeli Sandé solo album and Now That’s What I Call Music. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. But it doesn’t make for a coherent record.” So I guess the obvious question is: did you ever think of just making a coherent record instead?

What? Listen, when you make a record, you work with the best artists you can find. And you put them on the tracks that are right for them. And I did that. And that's why I actually made a very coherent record. I know you agree with me, Gavin?

Of course. I'm your number one fan. That's why we're here.

So if Music OMH had paid any attention, they would know that I didn't put Emeli Sande on there because she's cool or famous or because she was just nearby. I work with Emeli because she is a fucking sick musician. Because she's a fucking genius. That's why.

Ok, well I will relay all that back to Music OMH and drop you a line with the reply.

Yes send them –

A turd in the post?

Yes. And make sure it's one of your own Gavin.

Something organic.

Yes. Eat lots of greens.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes

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