Lexxi from Steel Panther Offered Us Solutions to a Sexual Problems Page Clipped from a Newspaper

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Lexxi Fox from Steel Panther.

Gavin: Hi Lexxi. What are your thoughts on the tragic death of Philip Seymour Hoffman?

Lexxi: I think it’s awful. Sometimes heroin can be very fun. You just have to use it the right way. Like, when we like to party, we always have like a buddy system - hey dude, if I’m in the tub, watch out for me. Like that. We’ll get pretty ripped. But we always know where everyone is if they’re high. Otherwise you get problems.

So you think Phil was something of an amateur then?

Maybe he was out of the game a bit. He didn’t practice enough. You have to work up to a large amount of heroin. You can’t just run into it.

That’s generally what does people in, isn’t it. What did Sid Vicious in. Being off it, then trying to get back onto the same dosage you were into before.

You have to stay in the game. Just don’t do it so much that you can’t live a life around it.

Do you think you'd have more fun if you were an egg?

Uh… I don’t know if i’d have more fun, because… Oh, shit, that’s right! Eggs do get laid a lot. I was gonna say you don’t get laid, but actually eggs are laid all the time!

That is a very valid point.

Being an egg would be bitching cos you don’t actually have to do shit, but you get laid all the time.

Well precisely. No one can accuse you of being irresponsible when you are an egg.

Yeah: “Mum, shut up - of course I can’t get a job - I’m an egg.”

What do you think society's response should be to the problem of teen suicide?

Wow, man. Uh, I guess the best thing is, if you know your kid is on the edge and they’re listening to dark doom music, just put some mattresses all around the house to stop them from hurting themselves if they jump out the window. Then, put all your prescription medications on high shelves. Tape down any sharp surfaces….

When airplanes come to rest at terminals and they pull up at the little stairs bridge thing, are they effectively sniffing the terminal?

What did you say?

When airplanes come to rest at terminals and they pull up at the little stairs bridge thing, are they effectively sniffing the terminal?

I don’t know. Are the wings sniffing the terminal? Is that what you’re asking?

No no no. The airplane as a whole, through the nostril that’s the boarding gate.

Well, I don’t know how it is here, I haven’t really studied the gates, but I know that, in the States, sometimes the stairs come out and you walk down those stairs, into the the terminal, and, I know they don’t have any problems with terminals in America, so I don’t know. I don’t know. But that’s a good one. A very good one.

Thanks. I heard it on the radio once. Could you possibly tell me, Lexxi - have you ever done it with a lady?

Yeah, I did it with Satchel’s mom, and it was disgusting. Honestly. Her vagina smells like an old prune.

Well perhaps given your wealth of experience, perhaps you could offer some solutions to a sexual problems page I clipped from the newspaper?

Sure. Why not.

Ok problem number one:

“My wife and I tried for years to have children, going through four unsuccessful IVF treatments. The emotional cost was enormous, and it completely killed our sex life. Our last IVF was four years ago and we accept that we are not going to have a family, but despite repeated attempts, we just can't have sex any more. We are both suffering as a result.”

Oh my god. That sucks. If that’s the deal then I take back all that suicide stuff. Just jump. Take too many pills. If you can’t get laid, it’s just not worth continuing.

Problem number two:

"I often find myself despising the men I have sex with. Whether on a one-night stand or with someone I initially like, after a few dates, once we have sex, I feel emotionally distant and a little disgusted by them. I have had relationships where these feelings fade to the background after a while, but they never go away."

Umm, just drink more. Or do something to make it easier to stay with that person. And when you feel like a whore or whatever, then you’ll feel numb to it and it won’t matter so much. Do what you have to to get laid and don’t feel bad about it. Just keep on trucking.

So… Lexxxi… Do you ever look round at the life you have built for yourself and go: “This is silly. My fans are silly. My bandmates are silly. These songs are silly. This jumpsuit is silly. My stage name is silly. The continued success of this is silly. It's all just perfectly silly and frankly I feel silly?”

… Nah, I don’t ever feel like that.

What do you look like when you're wearing a nice sensible blue windcheater and some beige cords from The Gap?

Not silly.

I mean, do you ever think that perhaps secretly you'd like to have lunchbreaks and performance reviews and email-based gossip about Sharon From Accounts?

I don’t even know what that means.

Who do you identify as your key rivals in the humorous heavy metal tribute band market?

Key rival? I personally don’t think there’s any rival at all. I don’t know any other bands that are doing what we’re doing, so I couldn’t tell you.

Ok, well, have you ever met Justin Hawkins?

A bunch of times. He sang on our record.

Is he a nice man?

Very cool dude. One of my favourite dudes ever. He recorded the song. Then we went and had sushi. Then we went to a strip bar. Then we did a bunch of drugs. Then we fucked a bunch of strippers.

Isn’t he very famously “on the wagon” now?

Nah. He’s just a bitching heavy metal guy who’s learning to be on the wagon sometimes and fall off it other times. It’s just one night, who cares.

How good are you at ironing?

What?

Did someone have to teach you how to iron or did you mainly pick it up yourself?

I’m totally bitching at ironing. I want all my clothes to be straight, so I’m really good at it. My grandma taught me how to iron. I will do some ironing for everyone on the road, but sometimes I get bored of it, so I stop.

Many people report that it is quite soothing. Are you among them?

It can be very soothing, very relaxing. Some ironing, some TV, a couple of cigarettes. There’s nothing like it.

Do you ever actively look for things to iron?

I’ve never really looked for things to iron. They just seem to fall into my lap.

That’s very fortunate. Finally, without wanting to pry too much into your personal affairs, how many miles per gallon do you get from your car?

I don’t drive. But my mum does. I could phone her up and ask her if you wanted?

If you could do that, that’d be great.

I will. I’ll do it just after I hang up here.

So you don’t drive?

I was a driver. But I got into a lot of trouble, so I don’t drive anymore. They took my car.

You had a traumatic experience?

It was. It wasn’t good. Well, it seemed fun at the time, but…

You decided not to get back on the horse?

They won’t let me get back on the horse. I’m not allowed to drive any more. In fact, two states, I’m not even allowed to go in there because I could face charges if I do.

Sounds more grave than the capacity of an essentially whimsical interview column could ever hold.

Yeah. It’s very serious. We can’t even tour in those states, so it’s just not cool. I can’t get into it cos legally I can’t even talk about it, I’m afraid.

Well, on that very gloomy note, I will have to leave you to your further promotional activities.

Thanks man.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @HurtGavinHaynes

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