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We Picked Some Songs for Pornhub to Make Music Videos for and Here’s What They Came Up with

Who likes butts?

hehe, get it?

Last year, our favorite sinful online filth portal Pornhub announced that they were getting into the record label business. So titillated was I with this prospect that I put together a very helpful list of artists I believed to be a good fit for their aesthetic (specifically, the whole boob and dong aesthetic). That’s when I got an email that changed my life.

Apparently, Pornhub was putting together a panel to judge submissions for their official song search contest and through some miracle, they asked me to be a judge. I was featured on Buzzfeed right alongside fellow esteemed judge T-Pain, who you can see beside me in this very real photo of us. My mom saw this article and was very proud of her only son.

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I devoted an entire Sunday night to listening through dozens and dozens of submissions, most of which were… what is a good euphemism for “worse than being the lead role in a scat porn?” There were a few diamonds in the rough, though, and in the end, when I was very tired and was basically willing to say or do anything just to go to bed, I cast my votes. All the votes were tallied and a few lucky winners got like, ten thousand bucks or something, I dunno. It was more than I got for judging it, which was a box of porn and a mug which was stolen off my desk.

Two of the winners also got music videos made of their songs. And now, here they are, for your viewing pleasure.

First, here’s Jordan Royale who, in addition to having a name like a pornstar’s, made a song that basically condensed Pornhub’s entire site down into three minutes.

And then there’s Mihannah whose song “You Make Me Feel Like” is so repetitive and sexual that it’s basically like masturbating.

Anyway, you’re welcome, world, for all that we have selflessly given back.