Why Are Danes Such Mediocre Singers?

In a media world like ours, it’s remarkable how many talent shows are constantly searching for the next big voice. Yet as history has proven again and again, those countless and so called “talented” winners of shows like X Factor, Popstars and Voice are always left behind (when the cameras are off) with an indifferent album release that neither the general public or the record companies want to be associated with. This begs the question: has it become a no-no to be a technically strong and acoustically clean singer? Should we just cancel all those shows? My answer is: “Hell yes!”—especially in Denmark.

Danish radio stations and the music industry in general have made it their mission to pay tribute to mediocrity. Judging by the kind of stuff they’re playing, Danish music fans should never feel embarrassed by our national lack of talent. Instead, we should apparently accept our widespread mediocrity—and let it give us hope. The artists getting radio play let all us Average Joes think that we can make it, really, because the key to success isn’t being good. The artists topping Danish charts are just okay—so as long as the rest of us are just as unremarkable and mind-numbingly whatever, we’ll all be stars, too.

To illustrate what I mean, I thought I’d gather ten of the most mediocre male singers who have topped Danish charts and given us all hopes of achieving a music career ourselves someday. Oh, mediocre pioneers—I salute you!

At first, when you listen to Sound of Seduction’s mid-90s hit “Welcome”, it seems as if the female singers are a bit too talented and a bit too good hitting the right pitches. Yet fear not—around 1:20 into the song, the male rapper, Remee, takes over and nails it. His voice is a pure mix of discomfort and a nervous karaoke vibe and suddenly all of us average Joes can relate to the song. Today Remee is one of Denmark’s most successful song writers and producers, and he is also one of the returning judges of the Danish X Factor – go figure!

Hands down to this guy, ‘cause he’s boosted every Dane’s confidence since, like, forever. Jacob Haugaard didn’t just get elected into politics in 1994 because he promised tailwind on the Danish bike lanes. No, no: he’s also created a melody so infectious that every Danish family one time or another has re-written its lyrics for social gatherings like birthdays, weddings and communion parties. Still, it’s Haugaard’s own way of singing this one-hit wonder called “Hammer Hammer Fedt” which makes the song stand out perfectly in its own imperfect way.

This 90s pop trio is wonderful testimony that if nothing else works, just make a high-pitched sound. It’ll make everyone think you’re weird, iconic and kind of cool. Ibens’ lead singer, Carsten Lykke, has made it acceptable to dilute the male voice into a kind of artistic chirping. Respect!

Denmark’s world famous dance pop group, Aqua, has made mediocrity its trademark. No one in the group did it better than the bald Ken doll member, René Dif, who used to growl his way through every major stage in the world. His voice is absolute proof that an upset stomach, lots of cigarettes and a musical “wild card” can get you anywhere in show business. A cartoon hero, indeed!

If your auditory mediocrity isn’t advanced enough to take you to the same stages as Aqua, there’s always the Eurovision Song Contest. Thanks to the likes of Brødrene Olsen and Rollo & King, the dream of a music career never vanishes. The former actually won Eurovision in 2000 and the latter came second the year after. This is understandable: lead singer Søren Poppe somehow takes the sound of public school’s music lesions and makes it an acceptable part of one of the world’s greatest hotbeds of mediocre music.

Back in 2003, this Danish pop duo, which consisted of Jesper Mortensen (Junior) and Jeppe Laursen (Senior), achieved international success with the danceable single "Move Your Feet". Thanks to the wonderful singing styles of Senior, all of us who can’t quite hit that clean note or at least sound like a native English-speaker are still striving for that desirable international breakthrough. We owe it all to Senior’s modest talent.

Our lovely pop collective and national treasure, Alphabeat, has always maintained a strong and uncompromising ideal: anyone’s allowed in their music family as long as they can stand erect and beat the crap out of a tambourine. Anders SG is an everyday hero who reminds you that you can reach the stars—just as long as the person next to you has more than enough talent to lend to you, too.

Since the early 80s, legendary rock n’ roll troubadour, Johnny Madsen, has sounded like a singing ashtray filled with spit. Today, he sounds stronger than ever. His latest album, God Nyt, released September 2015, just went gold—and in this clip he showcases how years of drinking, smoking and rock n’ rolling have worn out his throat. Madsen once said: “You have never been really wasted until you wake up next to a police officer drawing a white chalk line around you.” That kind of drunkenness has made Madsen stand out as one of the coolest motherf%!# in the music business.

“Uh-oh, is he going to tease a Noisey darling?” No, I’m not (or at least not very much), because front man, Elias Rønnenfelt, of the internationally acclaimed punk band, Iceage, has proven that his way of anti-singing is an art form that can manifest integrity and sincerity. Yet make no mistake: he’s shredding the standard way of singing into pieces and is a strong ambassador for the idea that you don’t need a tone in your body to make it as singer. Well done!