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What's With All The Sad DJS?

You would think an occupation where the ability to do drugs and function properly is a prerequisite would be fun—apparently it’s not.

You know how rock stars used to be all about big hair, groupies, cocaine, and throwing televisions through windows? Yeah no one cares about that anymore. Today people want to listen to DJs playing songs that would make good ringtones—that’s what a rock star looks like now. And other than having the cocaine in common, they’re more about dropping the bass, flying places, and looking depressed as shit in all their promo shots. You would think an occupation where the ability to do drugs and function properly is a prerequisite would be fun—apparently it’s not.

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Armin Van Buuren

Apparently being DJ Mag’s number one DJ for the last trillion years is a lonely burden. Either that or Armin just found out that Bodie dies in the fifth season of The Wire. I feel you son, the pain is always there Armin, but at least we have the memories. One day at a time. Maybe contact a support group for when you find out Method Man gets clapped though, you’re going to need it.

Richie Hawtin

Richie has been struggling with the crushing feeling of failure since Gary Oldman was cast over him as Zorg in The Fifth Element. The pain cuts even deeper because they yanked Hawtin’s hairstyle for Zorg’s character. You can really feel the broken dreams and suffocating disappointment emanating from this photo.

DJ Harvey

“Whoa man, you can’t take shots at DJ Harvey. He’s the godfather. The Boss Don of Disco.” Bitch please. This picture literally looks like it belongs on top of a urinal in a suburban pokies pub with the caption, “Gambling is an Addiction.” Don’t get me wrong, DJ Harvey is awesome, but you wouldn’t know it from this picture. This picture says, “My name is Darrell, I get my gold chains wholesale, and as soon as my workers compensation comes through I’m taking everyone to the dish-lickers”.

Norman Nodge

At this point in the article I bet you’re all thinking, “Does he have the material to see this article out?” But then I drop this gem on you and you think, “No, he doesn’t. Now he’s just getting pictures of the 2008 financial crash and palming them off as sad DJs.”

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WRONG, this is Norman Nodge and although he looks like an accountant who’s just had his house repossessed, been abandoned by his wife and kids, and is contemplating suicide; he is actually a resident of iconic Berlin nightclub Berghain.

Kenny Larkin

I could fill the rest of this article with overly emotional press shots of Kenny Larkin. Are you a DJ or a mythical sentient wraith from Middle Earth? Did they leave “Elixir of Paladin’s Glory” off your rider? I feel like this photo is actually from the an Evanescence press shot, and someone just zoomed in on Kenny Larkin’s face because he moonlights as their drummer when he’s not looking like he’s mates with Chris Angel.

Hernan Cattaneo

I had one of the best parties of my whole life dancing to Hernan Cattaneo. This, however, begs the question: Are you a DJ or the protagonist in a Lars Von Trier movie about a man who is trying to teach himself the emotion of love by looking into a mirror by candlelight? Come on Hernan. The music you play is straight up molly anthems, but still your face looks like you just read Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist for the first time and are about to drop some amazing meaning-of-life bullshit on me.

Radioslave

Oh man this is getting depressing. This picture reminds me of when I was 11 and I recorded Mighty Ducks 2 onto VHS, but when I went to watch it my mum had recorded over it with A Touch Of Frost or Taggart or some other equally bleak English countryside murder mystery. My face was just like this.

Ben UFO

Ben UFO is disappointed in you. Parent/Teacher night didn’t go the way you planned. Mrs. Dickinson really laid you out. So did Mr. Tranter. And now you’ve got this look, staring at you in the rear view mirror from the front seat. His t-shirt says “Public” but all I’m reading is, “You really think we pay money for you to piss-fart around?!” PS, why do dads love the word “piss-fart”?