50 Things That Are Definitely, 100 Percent Confirmed Metal

You know those things you didn’t know you wanted until you just did? Well, dunno about you guys, but that’s what happened to us when we heard that Slayer will be answering fan questions you can pose at The Guardian in a live stream this Monday night. Aw, cute! What could be more metal than just being friendly, open to your fans and nice guys all around? Probably a lot of things, actually. But you may be asking yourself: What are those metal things in life? Is it all headbanging, goat-sacrificing, 666, flames and inverted crosses? Well, look no further, young acolyte. We’ve chronicled 50 things that are definitely, 100% confirmed to take you on the METAL path through life.

There’s really no point in having your squad looking all trashy and shit at the Kid Rock concert if Lars is going to ruin it all by showing up wearing an argyle sweater. You’ve known the date for like a month mate, would it kill you to plan ahead for once it your life? (btw. planning ahead - also metal)

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Snuggle up with bae and reach for the glögg with ease when you're wearing these neat necessities—essential for any relaxing Christmas holiday.

Pretty folk just don’t give a fuck. You’ll be all like “don’t flaunt your beauty privilege all over the place, you inconsiderately gorgeous, nude, lady person” and they won’t even answer you, because television doesn’t work like that.

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Make sure those taste buds stay strong as steel by snacking on these bad boys!

The government used to hang people in public, you know. And why did they do that? Because they read a little book called THE LAW, which said to do exactly that. Do you now understand the awesome power of words on pages? Now do you feel stupid for exchanging that copy of The Secret I got you for your birthday, Karen? Bet you do.

Versailles wasn’t some happy accident. It wasn’t just slapped together one afternoon. Nah, that took real, awe-inspiring dedication. Also, a supreme ruler directly related to God.

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Metal on the cheap. Also, glitter!!!

Illustration by Jakob Tolstrup
You know how you never have any money, because your landlord rides just as hard as your fat, oblivious cousin rides his poor golden retriever Rusty? Do you ever thank him for letting you live out your S/M fantasies every day as you squirm to survive under the weight of his sweaty, bouncy gut? You should.

Illustration by Jakob Tolstrup
The original juice cleanse.

Being in control of your body and caring about your future is about as metal as it gets.

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Nice headbanging, Garth. Also, pumping your fists in the air IS super, duper cool, you’re right. Hey, mind giving me some space for a second? I just want to make sure, that I’m ready to SHOOT A LIVING HUMAN BEING OUT OF MY VAJAYJAY when they get around to playing “Raining Blood”. Thx fam!

Don’t let society tell you what’s cool or nothing. That shit is both delicious AND pretty.

YOU ARE LITERALLY BENDING THE GODDAMN ELEMENTS TO YOUR WILL, SO YOU CAN SURF AROUND LIKE THE GOD OF WINDY SITUATIONS. ALSO, LOOKS REALLY FUN.

It’s like a two-person mosh pit with the love of your life.

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Devour snow/ice -> Gain its powers -> become king of the north. You’re welcome.

Illustration by Jakob Tolstrup
Because being able to have human beings in custody indefinitely before allowing them to go before a judge is the most metal thing the government’s proposed all year—so metal that the whole thing has been put on hold indefinitely.

This song is about how awesome it feels to have expensive bits of metal in your mouth. ‘Nuff said.

The dude was all like “Come at me, brah” and then they were like “fine, take this!” and he just took it and kept taking it until the entire British empire just got tired of punching him in the face. Made for a smashing movie.

The dark can get kind of spooky, guys.

It makes you go bald, sure, but wouldn’t you rather have a haircut that says ‘business on the sides, crippling insecurity on top’ for a little while, than boring, grown-up hair your entire life?

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Duh.

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A fruit that is neither tasty nor physically appealing, and yet it continues to live amongst other fruits, taunting the bland apples and oranges around it and not giving a single fuck. Clearly the most metal member of the fruit kingdom.

Enjoy a nice glass of Pinot, throw a bath bomb in there, soak out the stress of the day and emerge fresh like a newborn.

Illustration by Jakob Tolstrup
It’s a disease that will literally eat you alive. From the outside. What’s that, cancer? Too heavy for you? Secondly, ‘Necrotizing Fasciitis’ sounds and is definitely gruesome and macabre enough to be part of the metal name pool, and is already a song by Becoming the Archetype.

Preparing younger generations to take care of the world they’re inheriting is a big responsibility, guys.

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Searching for a source of entertainment for the whole family come summer vacation? How about the rapidly escalating game of gory chicken currently being played by Danish zoos, who seem to be competing to produce the most macabre display of blood, guts and brutal animal murder humanly possible? And what better time to introduce your 5-year old son to Slayer's Angel of Death than minutes after he's watched Simba get flayed like deli meat right in front of his eyes?

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Take spiky hair, add a spiky belt, put up a spiky fence and what does that say? Spiky attitude, brother.

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Aside from his general air of juiced up, bear-riding testosterone, Russian president Vladimir Putin is basically writing metal lyrics in his press conferences with IDGAF-badassery like his latest quote: “To forgive the terrorists is up to god, to send them to him is up to me.” That’s just begging to be growled.

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A villain so awesome and covered in blades he often had us actually rooting for him to crush those pesky sewer-dwelling, half-shelled bozos out of fear and respect alone. I mean, just throw a guitar in this guy’s hands, and I’m guessing he would do as his name suggests and SHRED.

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With the highest melting point of any unalloyed metal and an ultimate strength of 1510 megapascals (which, whatever it means, is super badass), tungsten is at the core of many special military weapons and is as hardcore a substance as nature has to offer.

This is a person who is always there for you. Lifting your spirits, when you’re at your sickest or your healthiest. Through thick or thin. That’s the kind of commitment that’s going to save the world.

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Despite not really knowing how to play any real instrument, this man somehow became 25% of the world’s most popular band, possibly ever, and has hung on to this very day, outliving nearly all of his band mates. Pretty fuckin’ metal. Your move, Paul.

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Colonial loot, inappropriately racist paintings which are inexplicably still hanging in there without anybody batting an eye and elephant tusk goblets?!? METAL.

Here’s a guy who, despite being French, and despite being one of the most respected and notoriously calm players in the game, in what was likely to be his last ever international tournament, decided in a split-second to headbutt an Italian defender into the ground. METAL.

Smells like a zebra, looks like a zebra, is it a zebra? MYSTERY.

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Buddhists may have the zen-market cornered, but when it comes to being brutal and raw, there is no more metal religion than Nordic Mythology, the old religion of the Vikings. Like, it spawned an actual subgenre called Viking Metal. It features a guy named Thor riding a wagon pulled by goats through the sky as he produces lightning bolts with his trusty hammer. Case and point.

Evanescence are about to go on tour, guys.

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A great way to be entertained and be a responsible global citizen

Illustration by Jakob Tolstrup
People will respect you!

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This guy built half of Copenhagen, took a bullet to the eye, burned people alive, and went to war with everything between the Baltics and Germany. This is all while reigning as the king of the small, humble nation of Denmark for longer than anyone else, ever. All hail the medieval metal king!

Stretching out those kinks! Vegan food! Namaste and bless!

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Okay so helmets are annoying and squeeze your cranium too tight and make your hair all messy but guess what? They also SAVE YOUR LIFE when you crash into a mom ahead of you on the bike line because the construction on Gammel Kongevej never ends and makes it impossible to ride your bike properly. Stay safe, kids.

Like being at an actual Slayer or Slipknot concert but at home!

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Gives you an edge on the rest of the plebs who don’t read the horoscope and are missing out on the chance to predict their own futures. Your loss, wimps!

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If you get your pet one of these pee-receivers, they'll love you forever.

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Lets you feel/look like a man in front of your squad yet shamelessly enjoy a fruity and refreshing beverage at the same time.

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This thing condenses THE ENTIRE PLANET WE INHABIT so that it fits your laptop screen. Sometimes you can even spy on people.

Gotta embrace the curveballs life throws your way, right guys?

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So functional!

Fool-proof way to be the life of the party!