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We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 13

A chopped up Backstreet Boys song, a Vine of a dog, and a commercial for a BBQ restaurant.

A year ago, we had an idea. We thought, “Hey, we should let people on the internet send us random stuff and we’ll review it. Maybe we’ll find something good.” To this date, we have not been sent anything worthwhile and yet we keep doing it every month. Why? Why do we do this? We know the next Elvis is out there and one day we are sure we will find him via this column. But for this month, here’s all the non-Elvisy stuff we got.


Robert Dixon - Drifted Back

Eric: Jean shorts, baby! This guy definitely made this record on GarageBand. The drum beats are kind of incredible, because they all sound like standards on a Casio keyboard. Honestly, this is objectively terrible, but I’m kind of in love with it?
Dan: Robert Dixon was just a normal guy once, sippin’ a Corona at Margaritaville. A Jimmy Buffet jam came on and he said, “I can do this.” He ordered a keyboard from Skymall and the rest is history.
Fred: If these guys actually made a song.


Eric: This is pretty inoffensive indie rock. There are a lot of people at my college radio station in 2008 who would call this awesome. These dudes probably like to talk about how whiskey is their favorite liquor.
Dan: I can’t wait until Mumford & Sons rip these guys off and then Eric writes a thinkpiece about it.
Fred: Nonononono.

Lardhorse - “Hellbent for Pleather”

Eric: This is a band called Lardhorse and they’re from Canada and they have 13 followers on SoundCloud and this song sounds like they do a lot of cocaine. Is it good? Is it bad? I don’t know. But again, this is a bunch of Canadians who call themselves Lardhorse. Let’s just leave it at that.
Dan: These dudes learned guitar to impress women and, if this was 1985, it would’ve worked.
Fred: Oh man! Like Judas Priest, but like different! A fucking whole lot different.

De La Soul feat. Nas - “God It”

Eric: If these unknown rappers push themselves, they really have a chance to make it.
Dan: Yeah I like this De La Soul. If he works hard, he could be a star!
Fred: Always and forever, the best.


Pickle Boys - “These Likes Are on Fire” (Remix feat. don doddy)

Eric: I’d make a joke about how this song makes my ears feel like they’re on fire but that would presumedly mean this song is flames (which, FYI, is slang for “good”) and this song is definitely bad and not good.
Dan: You guys should decide which one of you is gonna sing your verse first. You sound like a couple who talks over each other at dinner.
Fred: LOL

Forzuda - “Rómpeme las piernas y tírame a un pozo”

Eric: The cover art for this is a dude throwing his head against the wall. That’s kind of what listening to this song makes me want to do, which is something I mean in the best way possible. This song, as they say, rips.
Dan: Clearly, this is gonna be the only submission worth a shit, and yet, I’m always hesitant to give the thumbs up on non-English-speaking bands, just in case they’re singing about like, kicking babies in the face or something. In which case, I’d have to think about it.
Fred: I remember the first time I heard Tragedy and Darkthrone.

Full Length Mr. Spriggs BBQ Commercial

Eric: Holy shit. This is incredible. Baby, I’m hungry. I need that S-P-R-I-GG-S so badly. Let’s go to Oklahoma immediately.
Dan: According to Yelp, Mr. Spriggs BBQ is CLOSED. How can “the best barbecue in Oklahoma” be closed? Unless this commercial is a FUCKING LIAR. Flagrant false advertising and I hope Mr. Spriggs got suedd.
Fred: Art.


Supreme INK - “Brett Favre”

Eric: The name of this song is “Brett Favre” so now I’m thinking about the NFL Draft tomorrow night. Who do you guys think the Cowboys are going to draft? They probably should get a running back because Darren McFadden is definitely going to get hurt because it’s impossible for that guy to walk down the street without breaking a kneecap, but holy shit they need help on defense, bad. I’m hoping they can make another run in the playoffs like they did last year—they do return that incredible offensive line and Tony Romo seems to finally have figured out how to win the big games—but it’s going to be a challenge, no doubt. On another note, I’m not going to say that the Cowboys should do everything they can to get Adrian Peterson out of his contract with the Vikings, because obviously he’s clarly a horrible person who has obviously done some hideous things. But, you know, if, by chance, he ended up playing for the Cowboys, it probably wouldn’t hurt them, you know? Anyway, this song sucks.
Dan: This is the musical equivalent of Brett Favre. Dick pic-sending Jets season Brett Favre, I mean.
Fred: I hate football. This isn’t so bad.

Boobie Brass Knuckles

@NoiseyMusic @ericsundy @danozzi @fredpessaro review this

— captain ginyu (@rollieb95) April 28, 2015

Eric: Hehe.
Dan: Boy, I’ve heard the expression “I got punched in the face with a rubber tit” before, but this is CRAAAZY!
Fred: The only way to die.


Kachi Ebiri - “I Luuv Nikol”

Eric: This is the best thing I’ve heard so far—super DIY and thrown together indie rock, kind of loose and carefree. Reminds me of a lot of the great music coming out of Philly—in particular Alex G. Also, how good is that album cover?
Fred: What the fuck, I actually dig this. Clearly made at home with some godforsaken setup, but the ideas are there.
Dan: Parents, stop sending your kids to college.

Cuddle Crew - “A.B.S.”

Eric: I wanna die.
Fred: More like I.B.S.
Dan: “Lick my ass. Lick my balls. Lick my shaft. Tweak my nipples a little more.” - the chorus of this song that I just listened to by an artist called Cuddle Crew. Thumbs up/everything is great emoji.

Cobe Jones - “It Don’t Matter” (Prod. DSHY)

Eric: This is pretty cool I guess but doesn’t every SoundCloud sound like this? Probs will be on the Fader’s next cover.
Dan: Yo, sick Fader burn, Eric!
Fred: I started this, then turned it off at 0:30. Then out of guilt, I put it back on. Just goes to prove that you should always trust your instincts.

Backstreet Boys - “I Want It That Way” (Chopped and Screwed)

Eric: This is pretty stupid, but like all things chopped and screwed, despite being pretty stupid, it’s kind of dope.
Dan: Speaking of chopped, fun fact: Eric sits at home alone on Friday nights and binge-watches marathons of the show Chopped.
Eric: Dan, Chopped is on Tuesday nights.
Fred: Fun. Once.


A Poem Called “Youth”


Eric: I didn’t go to graduate school so I can’t comment on this with authority.
Dan: This line pretty much sums up how I feel every time we do these open submissions:
“Shatter the fourth wall to punch my reader in your face.”
Fred: _______.

Sesame Street: Hootie and the Blowfish Sing “Hold My Hand”

Eric: This song is so positive and kicks ass. Anyone who talks shit about Hootie and the Blowfish probably has body issues and needs to stop listening to college radio.
Dan: What the fuck kind of parents let their kids be in the same room as a man in a Kangol hat?
Fred: I hear so many kids nowadays talking about how the 90s was such a great time for music. Watch this video. I’m gonna order a pizza.

Dr. Millionaire - “More Songs Than Pac”

Eric: Oh, cool. This guy fucks your bitch. This guy keeps it 100. This guy is sippin’ on bourbon. This guy takes drugs. This guy chills with bitches and smokes weed. This guy is famous. This guy has a hoe. This guy is trying make more songs than Pac. This guy is trying to get more eyes on him. This guy is building a dynasty. This guy wants to live in the sky. This guy is high! Man, what a great rap song.
Dan: “Dr. Millionaire” sounds like the evil villain in a comic book written by a six-year-old boy. He fights the protagonist, Muscle Dude, on Awesome Island.
Fred: But how many are actually worth my time?

MTHR - Howl

Eric: I don’t really have the patience for this right now. It’s too sunny outside for me to care about your doom. This music is probably cool, I guess, because the band removed the vowels from their name. They probably spent a lot of time shaping the sadness in the sound. They’ll probably play a show at Palisades in Bushwick when they tour through New York at one point. IDK, go Pitchfork. I’m blaming my apathy for this music on the fact that most of these submissions suck and at this point I can’t listen to anything anymore without wanting to throw myself in the East River. I guess that matches the tone of what they’re going for, though? Whatever. Doom!
Dan: If you’re only willing to tolerate doom in the winter, Eric, then you are not a true doom appreciator. Doom takes no vacations, just like the inevitable, impending abyss that awaits our corporeal vessels on Earth. Man, I want Arby’s right now.
Fred: Breathy, ethereal, dark stuff. Not bad.


TMABird - “Everybody’s Circulation”

Eric: Girl Talk ruined music.
Dan: More like, Girl Talk gave me something to listen to when my lawyer friends want to seem cool! Anyway, I didn't listen to this, did it suck?
Fred: Someone needs to mash-up Screwball’s “Fuck You” and Municipal Waste’s “You’re Cut Off” to truly capture my feelings on the genre.


Eric: Apparently this is a short film that won the “Audience Award Experimental Short Film” at the Brooklyn Film Festival. I believe this because a) it’s definitely pretentious and b) it’s in some text I found on the internet, which is 100 percent always true. Hey, by the way guys, have you seen Birdman? Great film.
Dan: WTF no one gets kicked in the crotch or anything and this won an award???
Fred: You see Primer? That shit was confusing. So at the end, was that the fifth Abe and the fourth Aaron?

A Three-Year-Old’s Music Compilation

A video posted by @shetlandshaun on Apr 11, 2015 at 4:55pm PDT

Eric: This kid fucking sucks. Grow up and learn how to play instruments, and then we’ll talk. Fucking amateur.
Dan: Shut up, Eric, I’ve seen you do karaoke and this is much, much better. You do you, little man! Don't let some hack music blogger tell you to give up on your dream.
Fred: Abstract. Forward-thinking. Shapeless, but pointed. Emotional. Hints of Sun Ra and Berlin-era Bowie. Better than almost everything else I got today.

Brooklyn Pets - “Fear”

Eric: The name of this EP appropriately is Mega Idiot, because this is “mega” “bad!” Get it? Ha! Just kidding it could be good I’m too tired at this point and I didn’t listen.
Dan: Brooklyn Pets! I love Brooklyn! It’s where all us #edgy millennials who use ironic #hashtags live! [a joke about fedoras that is super fresh]
Fred: So Brooklyn! Just like Girls! Which is literally my least favorite thing on the planet besides genocide and sambuca.


ScreamVomit - “The Waves Were Low”

Dan: I would wager bagel out of the trash that you listen to Andrew Jackson Jihad. (If not, give me your address and I'll mail you the bagel. Also, you should listen to AJJ.)
Fred: Sounds like a band that moved to the city because “they just gotta make it!” but instead end up busking on the L Train platform for $3.74 an hour and a dog-eared amNY.

A Dog

@NoiseyMusic @ericsundy @danozzi @fredpessaro

— quirky-beauty (@WheresSherman) April 28, 2015

Eric: Now if that three-year-old wants to see how it’s done, he needs to check this video out.
Dan: This was honestly the best thing we got this month. I watched this 40 times. LOOK AT WHAT A GOOD BOY.
Fred: Literally perfection.