If You've Ever Said Any of These Things About Music, You Deserve a Wedgie


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If You've Ever Said Any of These Things About Music, You Deserve a Wedgie

“Record Store Day is every day for me.”

via Flickr

As we all know, there is a right way to talk about music, and a wrong way. There's a fine line between music fan and total nerd. And as we also all know, nerds deserve wedgies. Big atomic wedgies. So, if you've ever uttered any of these phrases, get ready, because we're coming for your underpants…

"Maybe like, four years ago, I would have been interested in seeing them."

"Can I get a plus-one?"


"I really feel like LCD Soundsystem betrayed us."

"I only like their first record."

"It just sounds warmer on vinyl."

"Are you going to SXSW?"

"Record Store Day is every day for me."

"I'm not going to buy tickets to their MSG show. My friend is doing their after-party at Vitus."

"Thanks, but I don't need to pay $30 for their reunion tour. Saw them in my friend's basement for five bucks back in the day."

"The Beatles were really overrated."

"[in fancy bar] This used to be a DIY venue!"

"Once the Times covers it, it's pretty much over."

"My partner was on the 30 Most Influential People in Brooklyn Under 30 list."

"I didn't really like Master of None but I thought Father John Misty's cameo was cool."

"They're kind of like a mix between shoegaze and black metal."

"You probably haven't heard of them."

"My homie plays bass in that band."

"I read about it on Thump."

"[quotes Almost Famous]"

"Kanye's a better producer than a rapper."

"Brooklyn's changed, man."

"I can just text their manager."

"I can just text their publicist."

"I can just text their label person."

"I can just text their merch dude."

"I can just text their guitar tech."

"I can just text their drummer."

"Nobody ever talks about the influence of Chief Keef."

"I booked them in college."

"I'm applying to be a Noisey intern."

"I like Kanye's music but he's just an asshole."

"Have you ever taken a look at Father John Misty's Instagram account? Like, really looked?"


"I caught their set at Baby's and wasn't impressed."

"I just think Deafheaven are commercializing black metal."

"[something about Lester Bangs]"

"Blood Orange? Yeah I've enjoyed Dev Hynes' songwriting for a while."

"$28 for a Crass record? Kind of goes against everything they're about."

"Minneapolis is the new Seattle."

"Boise is the new Seattle."

"Little Rock is the new Seattle."

"Tulsa is the new Seattle."

"Des Moines is the new Seattle."

"The soundsystem in that venue sucks."

"I don't really like their music but the book about them was a good read."

"I haven't listened to a lot of music lately because I've just been devouring Serial."

"I used to hook up with Travis Morrison."

"I feel like I really just burned myself out on festivals as a teenager."

"It's a cassette-only release."

"I used to really like them but I couldn't get into their last album and then I stopped caring."

"If I can quote Ian Mackaye for a second…"

"Still can't get over U2 raping my phone with their shitty music."

"My friends do this really popular Emo Night."

"Last week at SXSW…"

"Let's swing by the record store after brunch."

"They played a good show but the sound was horrible."

"You can find it cheaper on Discogs."

"I can help you get a pair of Yeezys."

"I discovered them on my semester abroad before they were big here."

"I fell into a Soundcloud k-hole."

"I like music."

"I still have a first gen iPod."

"Bushwick is the new Williamsburg."


"Bed Stuy is the new Bushwick."

"Ridgewood is the new Bed Stuy."

"An abandoned shipping container right next to the LaGuardia Airport is the new Ridgewood."

"Gentrification is pushing out all the artists."

"It's a music discovery app."

"I'm DJing on Friday."

"There's a Vampire Weekend DJ set."

"They're no Death Grips."

"I find Noisey problematic."

"Hang on, I wanna Shazam this."

"I just feel like Meow the Jewels really took away from the record's message."

"It's really hard for me enjoy this At the Drive-In reunion knowing they're just in it for the money."

"Yeah it's at Elvis Guesthouse."

"Actually his DJ name is DJ Windows 98."

"I hear Philadelphia's got a really great scene now."

"Do you have VIP?"

"Can I get All Access?"

"What wristband do you have?"

"Did you see Florence and the Machine in VIP?"

"Joey Badass is in VIP."

"You didn't see my Snap?"

"All the best festivals are in Eastern Europe."

"I found out about that band through Bandcamp."

"I heard there's an afterparty."

"Actually, it's pronounced DIVE."

"Actually, it's BONE E-VARE."

"Actually, you say it SOOFYAN."

"Here's the thing about Young Thug…"

"Yeah I got these Converse when I went to the Rubber Tracks studio."

"It was a VICE party but whatever."

"I tweeted about it."

"They're part of the whole emo revival thing that's going on."

"Lana del Rey follows me on Twitter."

"Jessica Hopper's book title is a bit of a misnomer."

"I was DMing with Mac Miller…"


"I was DMing with Rivers Cuomo…"

"I was DMing with Ezra Koenig…"

"I'm not even on Twitter."

"Jay Electronica."

"I need to remind myself to vlog about that."

"Actually, punk died in 1979."

"It got premiered on Stereogum."

"I was at the last 285 Kent show."

"These are the rappers you should feel obligated to know about now:"

"This is what hip-hop's come to these days."

"Overall, You're the Worst is fine, but the music industry references are what keep me watching."

"I pretty epically tore that album down on my blog."

"I remember when rappers used to actually say something."

"Fantano made a pretty good point about it…"

"No, but I can play it on Guitar Hero."

"Run the Jewels are more punk than all the punk bands around right now."

"Honestly, it's just too soon to review this album."

"Oh jeez, I can't wait to see the thinkpieces…"


"Are they really playing Magnetic Fields in this coffee shop right now?"

"Are they really playing Radiohead in this grocery store right now?"

"I feel like I can always rely on Jon Caramanica's opinion."

"I didn't mind the new Justin Bieber album."

"Music has really changed since 9/11."

"He's playing VFiles before his show."

"You buy Beats headphones if you're just into the image."

"I'm so mad that BrooklynVegan got rid of anonymous comments."

"He's kind of a meme in the comments."

"I hate going to a show and seeing a sea of screens. Put your phone down."

"They played an acoustic session on my roof."


"I got a copy of the setlist."

"The opener's at 7 so I probably won't get there 'til 10."

"There's only so much PDA I can take at shows."

"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I found out about that band from Broad City."

"I wish people would learn to take pictures at shows without their flash."

"I already booked my Coachella house."

"I'm more into micro-festivals now."


"I remember when Lollapalooza was a touring thing."

"The Sex Pistols were just a boy band product of a fashion designer anyway."

"How do people even listen to jazz?"

"The people who go to Coachella don't even care about the music."

"Coldplay's first album is actually pretty good."

"Looking back, Kreayshawn was kind of ahead of her time."

"I shared that poptimism piece in the New York Times on Facebook."

"It's a branded thing but don't worry, it's actually pretty cool."

"It's like, Vice's music website."

"I can play that on ukulele."

"There was a funny article this week on The Hard Times."

"What would Lester Bangs have to say about this?"

"David Bowie would be turning over in his grave."

"Say what you want about Rolling Stone, but they get good access."

"Jay Z's just a businessman now."

"Jay Z only has three good albums."

"I don't really like Beyoncé's music, but I respect her as an artist."

"Yeah, I think they just signed to Domino."

"I can't believe it's been 12 years since Franz Ferdinand's 'Take Me Out'."

"That band's a war crime."


"Their new album has a VR tie-in."

"You know, Buzzfeed actually has really good longform pieces."

"I have a lot of friends who work at Gawker."

"Remember Matisyahu?"

"I saw some really good Metro Boomin memes."

"Four Pins had a fire tweet this morning…"

"I know the Seinfeld2000 guy in real life."

"It's pretty good gym music, but I wouldn't brag about listening to it."

"PC music are deconstructing pop."

"The guitars are pretty angular."

"It's a mixtape but we're framing it like an album."

"It was really good but the crowd was just not into it."

"Do you wanna be a guest on my podcast?"

"Do you have the FLAC files? Hard for me to listen in low quality."

"There's a good VICE doc about it."

"Who produced that?"

"Silver Lake is the Williamsburg of LA."

"I thought it was overproduced."

"I thought it was underproduced."

"Let me text Makonnen…"

"His WTF episode was worth a listen."

"The band has strong socials."

"[any YouTube comment]"

"I work for Noisey."