Your ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend

Meet your ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend. Isn’t she pretty?

I've been watching hundreds of videos explaining how to make a realistic vagina with sponges and a KFC bucket, a condom, a sofa cushion, fruit, anything big enough to encase an erection basically. But there was one contraption that stole my heart. This is DEFINITELY my favourite wank machine.

This is a fan, a chair, (which you probably think isn’t necessary, but just you wait), a tube of bubble wrap, some masking tape and a non-descript box. I don’t know what’s in the box, I don’t speak much Japanese.

Ok boys, here's how to do it. Take the top off the fan – if you don’t you’re stupid, it won’t work, and you’ll end up in hospital with a dick like a cat o’ nine tails.

I am not too sure what the above means. “Unscrew this white thing so there’s a cock-sized hole," probably.

The vibe I get from this one is: Mould yourself a bubble-wrap sleeping-bag for your penis cack-handedly throwing the masking tape about like you have no fingers. Be careful of the large spike you are attaching it to though.

Ok – so you’re sitting on the chair looking at the masterpiece you’ve created. Make sure you do have a chair, as at this moment it’s pretty much key to what is about to happen. Remember, the best sex is  all about anticipation. You have to really want her. Also remember that you’re much better without that uncaring bitch, you’ll be far happier with your spooky fan-chair-tape-bubble-wrap pleasure gizmo. Ok, in the mood? Ready, set…

GO GO GO GO GO!

NB: Ex-girlfriends, you might want to call before you go and get your stuff back.