You Come at Canada, You Best Not Miss, Brazil

If there is one thing to be said about Canadians, it's this: we take great pleasure in aggressive self-deprecation—but will not put up with a single bad word said about our home-and-native-land from outsiders.

Well, there's that. You could also say: we have taken shitty American country music and perfected it. Or: we won't shut the fuck up about the weather. Or maybe: we get really pedantic when measuring how long it takes to drive from one city to another. (Oh, it's four-and-a-half hours to Moose Jaw, but it's only four hours when you drive it? Super helpful, asshole.)

But mostly, it's the thing about criticism.

So when Brazilian columnist Vilma Gryzinski wrote a scathing takedown of our prime minister in Veja magazine—which sounds like the name for a fancy vagina—I knew this could not stand.

"Narcissism and boutique leftism are the basis of Justin Trudeau, the beautiful," writes the magazine, according to Google Translate.

Hey, assholes, making fun of The Selfie Prime Minister and his stupid hair is our thing. If anyone is going to say that our leader is like a grad student with a toupee and a half-decent tailor, it's going to be us. If some shitty magazine is going to write that our head of government is living proof that a handsome face and a famous dad can get you anywhere, it's going to be one of our shitty magazines. If it's going to be proclaimed that PMJT is a human meme, it'll be some bitter dick in Winnipeg—not some right-wing columnist in São José do Rio Preto. If it is to be said that our peacekeeper-in-chief is a walking jawline with with an unbearable communications strategy, it's going to be someone in a Nordiques jersey and an Expos hat who doesn't speak French.

The magazine is only taking aim at Trudeau because a couple of wangs in Brazil made a film about Trudeau centered around that boxing match with Patrick Brazeau, which we've all just agreed not to talk about anymore.

"'I was put on this planet to do this. I'm going to fight and win,' says Trudeau narcissistically child about your important person," the magazine writes, according to Google Translate.

No, you're narcissistically child about your important person.

The column continues (according to Google Translate):

"God save us from being subjected to such torture, [fuck you] to which there are plenty of praise [damn straight]. Justin Trudeau is the embodiment of dreams vaguely leftist and confusingly well-intentioned liberalism, [ok that's a pretty good point but fuck you anyway] a guy handsome parading physical shamelessly [is Brazil really giving us lectures on shamelessness? Brazil? Really?] and poses for photos in yoga poses—an Oedipal reproduction of his father, Pierre Trudeau, [he…wants to bang his mother? C'mon, guys] who was prime minister Canada on two occasions for a total of fifteen years."

The Brazilians also spend an eerie amount of time focusing on Trudeau's mom, noting (again, via Google translate): "She had affairs with Ted Kennedy, Ronnie Wood and Mick Jagger," which, jokes on you guys, is frigging awesome. It then goes on to mention her bipolar disorder and mental health awareness campaign, before segueing into: "But the only son suffers from the disorder that takes the 'left' to support any insanity, including terrorism, when committed in the name of the Muslim religion. Usually frequents mosques, using typical costumes from countries such as Pakistan, and making prayers with Islamic attitudes."

Yeah, well, he looks good doing it, you racist pricks.

Such a true liberal who respect all the religions — Shayzi (@fairycritics)October 21, 2015

And you know what, Brazilian Magazine Whose Name I Can't Pronounce, maybe you shouldn't be slinging poop in your glass house.

Yeah, that's your president, whose dead glare definitely doesn't scare the shit out of me. The one that's currently facing impeachment proceedings because her government is deeply mired in a kickback and corruption scandal. According to an online poll, your leader is less popular than Rick Snyder—the guy who is directly responsible for the poisoning of a bunch of children with lead. And despite that Super Saiyan quoff, I think we all know that our prime minister has better hair.

And, not being content with just going after our stupid Prime Minister, the magazine had to go after our empty country. A bridge too far, you soccer-dominating jerks.

"To be successful, of course, the most ambitious Canadians have to go to the United States. For success, understand names such as Justin Bieber, Pamela Anderson, Ryan Gosling, Avril Lavigne and the ultimate diva, Celine Dion," it continues, according to Google Translate. "This just goes to America to make money."

Really? Your contemporary list of Canadian celebrities is Bieber, the star of V.I.P., that guy from Breaker High, and someone who popularized the technical term "Sk8er"? No Drake? No The Weeknd? Really?

The column ends of this poorly-translated gem:

"Justin Trudeau dificimente able to ruin a country so well organized, although boring, The greatest evil he has done so far was dazzled and sycophantic journalists who deal with a self-destructive deference. Both Trudeau and sycophants, certainly continue trying to worsen."

Well, jerkbags, this sycophant can tell you first-hand that we didn't need Trudeau's help to ruin our country—we've been doing a great job of it all on our own.

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