Gabriel Agbonlahor Must Be Held Accountable After Massive Surge In “Hippy Crack” References

In the context of Aston Villa's abject season, there are many reasons to criticise Gabriel Agbonlahor. The fact that he's only scored one goal this campaign, that's a reason. The fact that his all-round performances have been awful, that's a reason. The fact that – as Villa fans come to terms with the heartbreak of relegation – he's been put on a personal fitness programme for being out of shape, that's definitely a reason.

But worst of all – and this really is unforgivable – he's now responsible for the resurgence of "hippy crack" references.

Villa have just suspended Agbonlahor after pictures emerged of him partying in a hotel room, reportedly on the night of the club's relegation. Shockingly, the floor was littered with laughing gas canisters. Many have put two and two together – and declared that Agbonlahor is now a worshipper at the diabolical altar of nitrous oxide.

That's the scientific name for hippy crack, see. Hippy crack is the scourge of our young, a plague on our youth. There will be whole generations lost to hippy crack, families torn apart by the terrible addiction associated with inhaling the most sinister of legal highs. Society will collapse, all will be anarchy. It's crack for hippies, for God's sake.

Hippies – infamous drug munchers, hallucination fetishists and commune-dwelling leftie stoners – just can't get enough of this unique form of crack. It's super crack, crack for people who think they don't make crack like they used to. It's crack for people who've gained a superhuman tolerance to actual, proper crack cocaine. It's mega crack, uber crack, turbocharged-monster-skullfuck crack.

Except, it's not actually any of those things.

Though "hippy crack" is a convenient term if you're trying to spice up a fundamentally mundane story, the reality of laughing gas is that it's a legal high with relatively low health risks (especially compared to crack cocaine). It is mainly taken at sixth-form house parties and bad dance festivals. It is the preserve of first-year uni students and people who aren't into doing illegal drugs. And, while we're not suggesting that you jump on the bandwagon, there's no evidence to suggest that it's addictive – unlike actual crack.

Indeed, no self-respecting hippy has ever been caught inhaling laughing gas. They are too busy trying to crawl their way to the nearest medical tent at Wilderness Festival, struggling with the possibility that their reality has become an endlessly spiralling lilac waterfall. That is the result of taking actual drugs, not a 30-second fit of giggles.

More importantly, there's no evidence to suggest it has any particular effect on sportsmen – and certainly no evidence to suggest it is remotely performance enhancing. The fact that Agbonlahor has embarrassed Aston Villa at a hugely difficult time for the club is a cause for censure, but the suggestion that he might have used laughing gas? It's not really that controversial, in itself. In fact, you might say that the term "hippy crack" is a tad misleading.

More than anything, then, Agbonlahor deserves to be castigated for the massive surge in references to hippy crack in the aftermath of his latest misdemeanour. All the tea ladies, headmasters, chaplains and nans of Birmingham – people who don't know the first thing about legal highs, nitrous oxide or drug culture – will have seen the headlines he's generated. They will be anxiously discussing the scourge of hippy crack for weeks to come. They will fear for their children, fear the terrible consequences for impressionable young Aston Villa fans. That will probably be Gabriel Agbonlahor's final legacy at the club – to have needlessly worried a lot of old people, to have scared a lot of well-meaning Birmingham nans.