"Derek Jeter," Grooved Pitches, and Mike Trout's Ascension: A GIF-Filled All-Star Game Recap

The 2014 All-Star Game was the Derek Jeter show. It's not a real game—it's a spectacle. It's a better, more entertaining one than the home run derby, but it's going to have a television-dictated storyline. This year's was Jeter, in his final season.

Fox tried to throw us off by opening with a segment where an overly-dramatic Joe Buck is blown off by Jeter. But it was a ruse! The usual Jeter stuff followed: Dive into the stands complete with A-Rod cameo, backhand flip against the A's, homering for his 3000th hit. (Jeter hit .308 with 20 homers in 158 playoff games — surely there are highlights besides these three and the Jeffrey Maier play, right?)

Then a bunch of New York celebrities—Billy Crystal, Spike Lee, Regis Philbin, Michael Strahan, Joe Namath and Kelly Ripa—weighed in on Jeter. "It doesn't matter what state you're from," Ripa said. "It doesn't matter what country you're from. You root for the captain." We even got a slow-motion replay of Jeter tipping his cap.

"They probably want to see some tears," Gabe Kapler said at one point during the pre-game show.

Oh, yeah, Idina Menzel was also there, and she was pretty good. Let's see Derek Jeter sing like that.

The first inning would be of no joy to Jeter haters: On the first batter of the game, Andrew McCutchen, Jeter dove to his left—his left, where critics say he can't go—and stole a potential hit from the Pirate.

Okay, McCutchen beat it out. But Jeter kept with the narrative in the bottom of the first: Joe Buck (and the other announcers) stayed silent after Jeter got a standing ovation before leading off. It was 1-0 count and I was wondering if Buck was ever going to speak again. Buck's silence meant we got an incredible moment: As a fan yelled "OVERRATED!" so loudly the TV broadcast picked it up, Jeter laced a double to right.

After a Mike Trout triple, Miguel Cabrera took Adam Wainwright5 deep.

In any other year, if this wasn't Jeter's last year, that two-run homer would probably clinch Cabrera the All-Star Game MVP award.

The National League got two runs back in the top of the second. Chase Utley doubled home Aramis Ramirez and Jonathan Lucroy knocked home Utley. But the highlight of the top of the second was Carlos Gomez's attempt at this Jon Lester pitch.

Not much happened the next few innings except about 10 more tributes to Derek Jeter, including another hit and a standing ovation as he left the hallowed grounds of the All-Star Game for the last time. We heard about his trademark work ethic and attitude and beautiful eyes.

Then the National League tied it using some of the trademark skills of two National League infielders. First, Chase Utley was hit by a pitch.

Then, Dee Gordon ran for Utley and scored on a Lucroy double. Gordon is clearly treating the All-Star Game with the proper attitude.

Sometime at this point, protesters unveiled a banner over the right field scoreboard reading, "LOVE WATER NOT OIL." Over Derek Jeter's face.

Love water not oil or Derek Jeter pic.twitter.com/n41zRBwb2Z

— Bill P (@Bill_TPA) July 16, 2014

The Inquirer's Matt Gelb reports some people clapped when the banner was removed. Like in much of the country, the fracking is a contentious issue in Minnesota. This may be the first baseball-themed fracking protest, though!

In the fifth, Mike Trout doubled home Derek Norris.

Well, maybe that Trout hit was a double.

Then Jose Altuve—he of 16 homers in 811 career at-bats—almost hit one out! He settled for a sac fly that made it 5-3.

Coming back from commercial, I'm fairly sure Joe Buck said Bob Dylan wrote "Forever Young" about Derek Jeter. Fortunately, as a Jeter interview completely took over the top of the sixth inning, Jeter did his best to clown the Fox announcers. Reynolds noted Jeter was 40 and that Dee Gordon was five when he met Jeter. Jeter claimed to have been five when he first met Reynolds.

This is becoming an All-Star Game tradition! Justin Timberlake in 2011 and even in 2009. Keep it up, everyone.

Later, Reynolds said Jeter was tailed by escorts on the way to the ballpark. He later clarified it was "police escorts."

The NL kept it close with this Freddie Freeman stretch at first base.

Later, we're told Adam Wainwright said he grooved one to Derek Jeter in the first inning. We go to a commercial break before we get to our thrilling conclusion: An Erin Andrews interview with Wainwright where he says he was joking around. Look how pointed Erin Andrews's question was—she wasn't taking no for an answer! Someone needs to get her on the political beat (not Fox).

Fox actually made Adam Wainwright give an on-camera interview during the game so he could apologize for possibly messing up their storyline. Jeter trumps all. And surely he won the—wait, what?

Mike Trout?! I guess Fox is grooming its new Derek Jeter. Trout went 2-for-3 with a triple, a double, and two RBI—a deserving choice. He was asked about Jeter after the game (but only after choosing whether he'd take a Corvette or a truck as a prize—the sponsors trump Jeter).

As soon as that question was over—and Jeter was officially no longer of any use to Fox anymore—Joe Buck mentioned Trout could be one of the best players ever. Imagine what it'll be like at Trout's last All-Star Game. Better yet, don't.