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To Whom It May Concern, Please Give Me A Job At Google

I think it's high time I jump on "Google's massive hiring spree"to score some money and make major changes in my shit life.
June 14, 2011, 4:00pm

I think it's high time I jump on Google's massive hiring spree to score some money and make major changes in my shit life. The only things I really know how to do on the Internet are stalk people on Facebook and watch lesbian porn, but I bet Google would be willing to look beyond my inexperience and lack of college degree and hire me on the spot. I'm feeling lucky, I guess you could say.

My first move was to educate myself on Google, because all I really knew about them was how to image search "sleepy basset hounds," and it's always important to have some background knowledge of the place you want to get hired.

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According to their senior vice president of engineering and research, Alan Eustace, Google is, "looking for top talent. . . to tackle some of the toughest challenges in computer science: like building a web-based operating system from scratch, instantly searching an index of more than 100 million gigabytes and even developing cars that drive themselves." Not sure what that means, but I have a drivers license, so I can probably teach the cars a thing or two.

What really matters to me is how much people love their jobs at Google, so I'll let all that nerd shit slide. I heard that everyone gets $1,000 cash as a Christmas bonus; that there are nap pods in every office and snacks everyplace you look. Money, sleeping, and food are all right up my alley, and I'm an idea girl, so I'm sure they can find a top spot for me in their company even though I have no idea what a gigabyte is.

At any rate, I thought I would write a really solid cover letter, and I would like to share it with all of you. It might seem foolish of me to give so much information away for anyone in the world to steal and use to get the job, but I'm not worried. I am convinced that Google is going to hire me regardless of any competition. So go ahead and apply. Maybe we'll all get a job at Google. That would be fun. They're hiring over 6,000 people so maybe we can all work in the New York office and be pals.

Anyway, here's my cover letter. Feel free to give me any feedback you might have. I'd really appreciate it.

Dear Google,

Hello. My name is Jenny Pacillo and I am very interested in taking advantage of your 2011 hiring spree. I would like to tell you a little bit about myself, since I will soon be working for your company! I am not very computer savvy, but what I lack in Internet skills I make up for in many other ways.

For starters, I have a boatload of great ideas that will make you guys tons of money. I know that you're looking for someone to start a website from scratch, and I was thinking you should make a website that quotes people's bios from Jeopardy with a cartoon drawing of them alongside it. (If someone wants to make me this website let me know. I really want to make this happen). You can have that little gem for free, and there's plenty more where that came from.

I know that you mostly hire engineers, but I'm only eight classes away from a degree in History at my local university. Engineers can be so strange, they're always super awkward and have poor social skills. But I get along well with everybody, so it's OK. And it would be nice to have someone around the office who is normal. Plus, it would make the workplace more well-rounded. I can use my history smarts to help plan future changes to the Google logo in conjunction with historical events. Next January, we should make it look like the word Google is being swept away by a giant wave of molasses to commemorate the Boston Molasses Spill of 1919!

Anyway, I'm sure that you are hearing from tons of talented people who can program cars to drive themselves and solve all the problems of the Internet, but you need someone like me around the office to cheer everybody up with cupcakes from time to time, and to drop killer ideas on your head. I am also punctual, extremely reliable, and a fast learner. Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Kind Regards,
Jenny Pacillo

P.S. I've included a photograph of myself with my basset hound, Libby for your records.

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