So You Want to Hire Jurgen Klinsmann? Here's Why England Should Steer Well Clear

Since England's defeat to Iceland and Roy Hodgson's record-breakingly quick "fuck this noise" distancing act, the nation's press has been at full power throwing out names for the vacant manager's job and seeing what sticks.

To the surprise of nearly every American fan, one of the names that has very much stuck is Jurgen Klinsmann. John Cross from the Daily Mirror and Liverpool legend Jamie Carragher both called for Klinsmann's hire, as did many others.

It's hard to say why, exactly, they think Klinsmann is good for the job, because none of them say much more than: "That guy, he won some games for Germany in 2006, and the USA just got to the semi-final of something, so he's generally alright." It mostly seems to be an exercise in stereotyping. He's German and therefore tactically savvy, but also played in England so he gets English football.

Nevertheless, according to Sky Sports News, the feeling is mutual. Believe it or not, Klinsmann is "intrigued" by the England job.

Sky Sources understand that Jurgen Klinsmann is intrigued by the England job #SSNHQ pic.twitter.com/d7TpLVQcNE
— Sky Sports News HQ (@SkySportsNewsHQ) June 29, 2016

The feeling is triple mutual, if that's a thing, because most American fans want him to take the England job, too. When the pundits began voicing support for Klinsmann, American fans had one of two reactions: waving goodbye, or offering to drive him to the airport.

You see, unlike most of the Englishmen calling for him to manage their national side, we've actually watched Klinsmann manage sometime in the last decade. And we have some complaints.

First, some background. Klinsmann was hired in 2011 under the dual role of manager and technical director, although he may have been stripped of the latter title sometime in 2015; nobody really knows. In either event, he wanted to change the entire mentality of the programme. No longer would we primarily play defensive, counter-attacking football against bigger sides, the approach that got some results under his two predecessors, Bob Bradley and Bruce Arena, including a World Cup quarter-final in 2002. No, America would now play aggressive, attacking football and take the game to our opponents, no matter who they were. Spain, Italy, France, and even Germany would quiver at the thought of American soccer, or something to that effect.

Stating the obvious, that simply hasn't happened. Five years later, when Klinsmann needs a win, the U.S. still lines up in a defensive formation and plays in a counter-attacking style. Our play is no more fluid or technically impressive than it was in 2009, when the U.S. beat Spain in the Confederation's Cup semi-final. As Pablo Maurer pointed out on Twitter, 2014 featured both the lowest possession percentage and fewest shots per game of any U.S. World Cup team for which those statistics exist, including when we fielded a team entirely of amateurs in 1990. The U.S. made it out of the group stage in Brazil simply by doing what they have always done: packing it in and hoping for the best.

There's some logic behind calling Klinsmann one of the worst #USMNT coaches in the modern era. Read this and weep: pic.twitter.com/6P6fWgCcbQ
— Pablo Maurer (@MLSist) June 26, 2016

Not only has Klinsmann resorted to brute pragmatism, but the results have been mixed. On the plus side, the U.S. made it out of the group of death in 2014, won the 2013 Gold Cup, and made it to the semi-finals of the Copa America this summer.

Many of you blew up my mentions yesterday asking for a list of Klinsmann's positives. Here you go. Thoughts? #USMNT pic.twitter.com/mkO22gknWI
— Pablo Maurer (@MLSist) June 28, 2016

But, the U.S. also got knocked out of the 2015 Gold Cup by Jamaica and finished fourth which, for those who have no idea, is very, very bad. We failed to qualify for the 2017 Confederations Cup, which Klinsmann himself called a "top priority", and we almost had our 2018 World Cup qualifying put into jeopardy by a critical loss to Guatemala.

And then there was the small issue of the Sporting News article from March 2013 in which his current players tore into his managerial style. The article was the product of dozens of interviews with players tied to the national team and found "near unanimity regarding the players' flagging faith in Klinsmann, his staff and his methods" including his "lack[ing] the tactical acumen and game-day chops to successfully lead the team, and failure to communicate their wishes effectively."

Herein lies the biggest complaint most Americans have with Klinsmann. No matter that he has thus far failed at the (impossible) task of overhauling the American youth system, whatever that means. No matter that he has thus far failed to implement his preferred playing style. The biggest issue is that he simply isn't a good matchday manager. His line-ups can often be complete head scratchers – see, for example, starting long-time MLS players Chris Wondolowski and Kyle Beckerman against Argentina in the Copa America semis, or literally any decision he made during the 2015 Gold Cup – and he regularly moves players from their club positions to brand new ones at which they have little experience. It's often difficult to discern any tactical plan, no matter how hard one looks. When Klinsmann succeeded with Germany, he had some dude named Joachim Löw to handle most of the tactics for him. That's all well and good, but why would you want a manager who doesn't know jack about tactics?

This isn't to say Klinsmann's tenure has been a disaster – although some American soccer would argue that it has – but rather that he has been wholly unremarkable. Despite his big promises and hefty salary – $3.2 million a year – his team's performance on the international stage is no better than most of the U.S. teams before him.

Klinsmann's teams do just about what you would expect, given the crests on the front of their shirts. In the Copa America, the U.S. lost to Colombia twice and Argentina once, but beat Ecuador, Costa Rica (who didn't play anything like they did at the 2014 World Cup), and Paraguay. In the World Cup, the U.S. beat Ghana, drew with Portugal, and lost to Germany and Belgium. It all sounds about right.

Klinsmann is no better or worse than most other coaches. You can do worse. But you can also do much, much better. When you hire Jurgen Klinsmann, you don't hire a brilliant coach. All you're really getting is a brand.