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Burger King Plans to Buy Tim Horton’s and Destroy Canada

Burger King is sizing up Tim Horton’s for acquisition. If the deal goes through, the alliance will have a market cap of $18 billion, and the new company will become the third-largest fast-food retailer on the planet.
August 26, 2014, 7:00am

Canada may have to have its Timmies the BK way. Image via WikiMedia Commons.

The maple-flavored, red-and-white pastiche of Canada’s 147-year old cultural identity, has been threatened by America’s foremost burger monarchy.

News broke yesterday that Burger King—the home of elongated chicken sandwiches, the onion-ring option, and their illustrious Whopper brand—is sizing up Tim Horton’s for acquisition. Even teasing the press with this potential burger/coffee coupling has spiked both companies’ stocks, and should the two get in bed together, their unholy alliance will have a market cap of $18 billion. This new Frankenstein company will become the third-largest fast-food seller on the planet.


Obviously, Canadians are distraught over potentially losing their great coffee icon to the merciless Burger King. This has been illustrated by a recent Toronto Star poll that shows 57 percent of its readers think that such a hostile takeover would “dilute Tim Horton’s Canadian-ness” and further wound Canadians' fragile beaver-loving identity.

Screenshot via Torstar.

It seems as if the Burger King himself is interested in Canada’s most patriotic coffee brand, so that he can stash his millions and millions of greenbacks in the low-tax "loonie-bunkers," known as Canadian banks.

Obama himself has spoken out against tax-haven maneuvers like the one Burger King is proposing, as it funnels money straight out of the US and away from the prying eyes of the IRS. The Burger King is, of course, immune to the laws of mortal men like Barack, so Barry’s scolding finger-wagging is not likely to prevent the almighty Hamburger Lord from touching down on Canadian soil, to assert dominion over all of the double-doubles and Timbits.

This isn’t the first time, however, that Tim Horton’s has sold a bit of its soul to a cow-slaughtering, American burger-merchant. In 1995, Wendy’s acquired Tim Horton’s, which sparked a broken-hearted outcry from Canadian journalists everywhere. Writing for the Toronto Star, Susan Katsner decried the merger: “Shall we examine Tim Hortons selling out to Wendy's, the spectacle of another great Canadian icon, one more priceless chocolate coconut cream-filled dutchie glazed cruller Timbit of our precious heritage, gone to Yankee burgerfat.”


Tim Horton’s also solicited the smooth textured, American sugar-treats of Coldstone Creamery when it injected their frozen milky goodness into 100 of their stores back in 2009. This appeared to be a case of insecurity over Tim Horton’s own frozen-sugar product, the Ice Capp, which has surprisingly not been immortalized on any Canadian currency as of yet. Earlier this year, Tim Horton’s kicked Coldstone Creamery out of their franchise for good, presumably after realizing that Canadians care more about their Ice Capps than almost any other earthly pleasure.

So, sure, this is far from the first time that Tim Horton’s has got into bed with an American food corporation that has made bazillions of dollars hocking burgers or frozen treats to the good, non-Canadian people of the US of A. But even still, Canadians are feeling a wave of sheer terror over the possibility that the next time they order a double-double, they may only be a stone’s throw away from a Burger King restaurant, whose Whopper odor will be floating through the air, coating that morning’s batch of Timbits with its insidious, beefy smell.

America's foremost burger monarchy welcomes Canada with open arms. Image via WikiMedia Commons.

Whether or not the Burger King realizes he is jeopardizing the very thing that holds Canadians together, all to satisfy his selfish, tax-evasion needs, is a whole other issue. The King was unavailable for comment at the time of publication, but if he were to be asked about his takeover of Canada’s most nationalistic caffeine seller, he probably would have laughed a deep, hearty laugh, before yelling “Have it Your Way, Canada!” as he throws onion rings and free Whoppers down on Canadians from a blimp.

In all seriousness, Tim Horton’s could benefit in a big way from getting a new burger-daddy. For one, Tim’s could get their coffee in all BKs worldwide, which would effectively act as a Canadian-culture spreading endeavor, more powerful than the combined effect of every Canadian arts grant ever given to our country’s most influential ambassadors.

So don’t be afraid of your new burger overlord, Canada! Just look out for the new Stars and Stripes Timbit and the Abe Lincoln Ice Capp, coming to each and every Tim Horton's very soon. Follow Patrick McGuire on Twitter.