​Someone Wrote an Erotic E-Book of Cam Newton Fan Fiction

The erotic NFL fan fiction business is picking up. A little over a year after A Gronking to Remember , named after goofy New England tight end Rob Gronkowski, and just a few days after a devastating loss in the Super Bowl, Carolina Panthers quarterback Cam Newton received the dubious honor of being the subject of an erotic e-book fantasy.

Written by someone going by the almost certainly pseudonymous name of Caroline Blue, Dabbin' with Cam: A Cam Newton Erotic Romance , is about one woman's unlikely encounter with the MVP passer after catching an errant pass. The book is 45 pages, $.99 on Amazon, and filled with as many sexual innuendoes as there are typos. When it comes to Amazon descriptions, there's everything else, and then there's this:

For less than a dollar and roughly an hour of your time, you get a sex romp delivered with the same plausibility as Aaron Carter's " That's How I Beat Shaq." The main character is "a good ol' hamburger and fries type of girl" (professionally a junior accountant) who gets VIP tickets to the "big game." Not the Super Bowl. The "big game."

After about 20 pages of less-than-sexy character exposition and plot, the novella shifts up a couple of gears when Ms. Blue gets into trouble with the security. Somehow, she ends up in the fifth row of the stadium, catching an errant pass from the former Heisman winner.

What happens next might mark the most pivotal point in contemporary American literature since Aziah King tweeted, "Ya'll wanna hear a story about why me & this bitch here fell out?" The Panthers stage a comeback victory after the grab, and Ms. Blue breaks down in tears on a call to her father, thanking him for playing catch with her as a child. The Panthers invite her to the locker room, a scene that is described as thus: "The players were getting interviewed in their towels, until they weren't. Weren't not as in getting interviewed… weren't as in not wearing towels!"

At 45 pages long, Dabbin' with Cam doesn't have time for much nuance or build-up or proper sentence structure. The players are naked in front of her, impressed by the accidental catch. Soon, an impressed (and also nude) Newton appears. He begins to talk football and dabs with Ms. Blue, who lets us know what Newton's ass feels like: "Two halves of molten lava made of steel." The whole thing devolves into gauzy softcore, as narrated by Jimmy Johnson:

There is no moral. The narrator cries with her dad, screws Cam Newton, attends the victory parade, and then dabs with her friend Emily (the unspoken heroine who got her the VIP tickets in the first place).

In other words, Caroline Blue isn't exactly Zadie Smith, but it's hard to complain about something that costs less than a buck. And Blue should be OK without the critical praise; the author is in the fast lane of an ultra-specific genre. Dabbin' with Cam is now the 13th best-selling erotic humor Kindle book, and A Gronking to Remember was apparently compelling enough to warrant the Funny or Die treatment. It's only a matter of time before somebody comes up with a book about a ménage à trois between Peyton and Papa John and the Budweiser horse.

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