Five Reasons to Watch Football This Weekend

Illustration by Sam Taylor

Arsenal Hearts Breaking
Cesc Fabregas’ return to Arsenal will probably be the main story this weekend, and while there are usually some mixed emotions in these cases, it’s unlikely here. Sure, when he’d moved back to his boyhood club and showed up back at the Emirates bronzed with all his pals, some polite applause was only well, polite. But now he’s with Chelsea, and looking like the sense of betrayal has already taken its toll on his appearance, there’s only one way it’s going to go.

Unfortunately for Arsenal, that way almost certainly involves him scoring or at least putting on a great display against them. Fabregas had a deserved reputation at Barcelona for bottling big games, and given the opposition he’s mostly been a flat-track bully for Chelsea, but then this is Arsenal, away against José Mourinho’s Chelsea. It’s the perfect storm of bad decisions coming home to roost in the moral high ground that Arsenal tend to end up drowning in.

Making it worse will be the fact that it seems increasingly clear that Arsenal should have re-signed Fabregas. If he’d been refused so that they could afford to sign some steel in midfield, or a 25-goal-a-season striker, sure, you could understand. But to not bring in those players while leaving money in the bank, and for the supporters to end up hearing the words, after another September injury crisis, “Well, Joseph Yobo and Diego Lugano aren’t doing anything” like someone trying to organise a game of 7s? Best of luck in dealing with those feels, Arsenal fans.

A Hated Cockney Flogging Socks
There's something that has eluded a lot of people assuming that the next bad result would do for Alan Pardew. And that is Mike Ashley. Publicly declaring that a hated manager is about to get the chop and then doing nothing would probably be the most Mike Ashley move there is. His loyalty to the man probably won’t extend to taking Newcastle down, but there are a few yuks to be eked out yet, and Ashley knows this. Also, as Pardew himself noted this week, the media "won't leave Newcastle alone" at the moment – so, if there's any truth in the Geordie conspiracy theory of Ashley only being interested in the club as an advert for his sports shop, keeping the manager around may help him shift a few more Slazenger tube socks.

Given that Pardew wasn’t in any serious danger of losing his job when he called Manuel Pellegrini a “fucking old cunt” and headbutted David Meyler, we were expecting something truly spectacular when the pressure got to him. Instead, he’s just flapping his arms around and shouting like a normal doomed coach. He actually looked like he was on the verge of tears at Stoke. Even Phil Brown didn’t do that.

If Newcastle lose this, it’s probably got the point where Ashley has to act. It’s strange to think a man who finished 5th recently with Newcastle could be such a toxic manager, but here we are. He won’t get another Premier League job – desperate teams only seek out the woefully underqualified if they’ve proven their ability to motivate. This could finally be the one that kills him off, perhaps even exile him to pastures new. Onwards, Chunky, to Trabzonspor!

Manchester United's Ongoing Arsenal Impression
Perhaps something else Arsenal fans ought to be concerned about is Manchester United’s blatant theft of their identity. A radical foreign manager veering between brilliance and spineless capitulation, brushing off the latter with talk of his “philosophy”, trying out as many kids as possible while trying not to completely crack as he sees the leader of his side limp off with an injury… If Van Gaal was going to emulate Wenger, he could at least have given us the Highbury years first.

Aside from the obvious flaws – Rooney is terrible, Chris Smalling and Phil Jones are awful, Daley Blind is too slow to be the only person who defends – United have also suffered injuries. Which is weird, because Toshiba Medical Systems said there wouldn’t be any injuries this year, and who are we to argue with them? The squad is so Rizla-thin that Rafael and Jonny Evans are lynchpins upon whom the whole fragile edifice depends. Herrera is another of these, and without him United cease to really be a team any more, resembling instead a side that have just had four players sent off, or are playing in a blizzard, just a bunch of guys on a football pitch with a passing collective interest in getting the ball in one of the nets. This one probably isn't going to be pretty.

The only vaguely interesting thing's that has ever happened at a Stoke-Sunderland match

The Worst Fixture in the Entire Premier League
Sunderland vs. Stoke has been the worst fixture in the Premier League for years. They pushed the boat out in 2011 with a 4-0 and a 3-2, but other than that, in their Premier League encounters it’s been a drab, sordid array of 1-0s, 0-0s and 2-0s. The games were essentially a bad caricature of English football, however smug Barcelona fan must imagine that all Premier League games are, an aimless sequence of hoofs, sliding-tackles, screamers flying into the car park and full-backs kicking into touch.

We can probably expect the same in 2014, to be honest, although we’ll have Bojan, Emmanuel Giaccherini and Ricky Alvarez also doing it. We haven’t yet seen the full effect of the new TV deal in the Premier League, but the most striking change is probably not going to be Falcao being followed up with Cristiano Ronaldo, and Messi joining Man City – instead, we can look forward in the future to Sunderland-Stoke featuring Arda Turan, Bernard and whatever other former Football Manager legends the proceeds have been spunked on. And they’ll still probably be hitting Crouch with a long diagonal.

Spurs Being Weird
This weekend also sees the premier instalment of the soon-to-be world-renowned Mauricio Pochettino derby. The Argentinian has gone from getting Southampton to play pretty well, to getting Tottenham to play pretty well, if they were Southampton.

It's not all his fault, of course – he inherited this mess of a squad. In the summer they signed six, and let go fewer first-teamers, but like United, it’s revealed how much a mess it was that even a concerted effort still leaves the team looking ridiculous. How did they end up keeping Roberto Soldado? What’s going on with the defence? What happens if Christian Eriksen gets injured?

Nobody knows. Spurs put their faith in Pochettino getting the best out of all their flops, which to some extent he has. But there are some truly terrifying plan Bs on show. Aaron Lennon cutting in from the left sporting the captain’s armband is one we’ve seen so far. If Tim Sherwood was a parody of a meat-and-potatoes English manager, maybe Pochettino is a parody of a fancy foreigner. With Spurs being Spurs, chances are we'll know by Christmas.

@Callum_TH

More from VICE:

The Rise and Fall of Nick Griffin

OG Internet Trolls Are Upset That Amateurs Are Ruining Their Hobby

I Relived My Old Freshers Week to See if Students Have Changed