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Sports

Snitch-O-Metrics: Who's the Red Sox's Clubhouse Rat?

I've decided to profile each active player left from the Sox's 2011 roster and rate their XSP (Expected Snitching Percentage).
May 22, 2012, 1:20pm

I may have left Boston ten years ago, but I can take the temperature of Red Sox Nation just by looking at my Facebook feed and listening to three minutes of WEEI sports radio. If you managed to not hear about how bad they are this year—they've gotten better, but are still last in their division—or how bad Bobby Valentine is at managing a team with more holes than a Bay Area steampunk, you're probably not reading the VICE sports section. I'll spare you the recap and get right to the crux of the problem: Someone on the Red Sox has been snitching and the players aren't happy.

A disgruntled Josh Beckett has alluded to a snitch who leaked the chicken and beer controversy to the media and pretty much fingered (yuck) the man who looks like a bearded hot dog, Kevin Youkilis. With all the trade buzz surrounding Youkilis, who is currently on rehab, and Beckett's golf incident from a couple weeks prior, it's clear that, despite some modest wins, nothing is changing in the Red Sox clubhouse.

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Beckett might be right about Youkilis possibly being a snitch but it's not enough: Baseball is a numbers game. I've decided to profile each active player left from the Sox's 2011 roster and rate their XSP (Expected Snitching Percentage).

This new metric is based on the following factors:

1. Is the player white? White people don't know the G-Code, and tend to snitch more. White players will have an immediate 50 percent chance of snitching.

2. What is the player's salary? Players under club control contracts drive Acuras, tend to be jealous, and are more prone to snitching.

3. What's their entrance or at-bat music? The standard blue print is pitchers come out to country music, non-white position players to current rap, boring white players to something like Nickelback, and edgy white players to dated rap songs. Each of these songs is telling about thier rat potential.

PITCHERS:

Alfredo Aceves

2012 Salary: $1,200,000

"Eye of the Tiger" by Survivor; "En La Ciudad De La Furia," "Heroes Del Silencio," "Ligera by Soda Stereo," all by Soda Stereo; "Viento" by Caifanes, "Letting Go (Dutty Love)" by Sean Kingston ft. Nicki Minaj, "Arboles De La Barranca" by Banda El Recodo, "Boom Boom Pow" by Black Eyed Peas, "Dime Jaguar" by Jaguares, "Amante De Lo Bueno" by Los Tucanes De Tijuana, "Iluvia Al Corazon" by Mana and "Without Me" by Eminem Mexican. Aceves allegedly smokes Marlboros, and wears Rodman's number as an homage to the Worm. Eminem and Black Eyed Peas raise some eyebrows.

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XSP - .240

Matt Albers

$1,075,000

No song available.

White boy from Texas. Low salary, but he's a middle reliever nicknamed Fat Albers so no one is taking him seriously. Most likely talks about Keith Urban with the other Texans and takes clubhouse dares to eat hot sauce to supplement his income.

XSP - .628

Scott Atchison

$510,000

No song available.

Another Texan and middle reliever. His near-league minimum salary and disturbing looks might raise his XSP but he's another good ole' boy. The fact that he went to a Christian university could imply that he doesn't lie, which is unintentional snitching, but still snitching.

XSP - .750

Daniel Bard

$1,612,500

"Stranglehold" by Ted Nugent

Yet another white pitcher from Texas. Assuming he chose The Nuge because he has bad taste in music, and not for his politics. There's a relatively low chance of telling though, and going by his proper name rather than Dan is obnoxious.

XSP .598

Clay Buchholz

$3,750,000

"VooDoo Child" by Jimi Hendrix

It's been well-documented that Clay was part of the clubhouse controversy and blame in 2011, and the golf shit this year and is not the snitch. But I wanted to mention that he was caught stealing 29 laptops from a middle school and selling them to classmates. Dumb yes, snitch no. I'm not shitting you, he's from Texas too.

XSP .525

Felix Doubront

$484,000

A Venezuelan who had a cup of coffee with the Red Sox in 2011. Known to show up to camp out of shape and lack focus. Too lazy to snitch or care.

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XSP .298

Rich Hill

$725,000

Pitched nine innings in 2011 then needed T.J. aka Tijuana surgery. Too insignificant to snitch and was born in Milton, Mass.

XSP - .582

John Lackey

$15,950,00

"Guys Like Me" by Eric Church

Chinless VP of the Chicken and Beer squad. Read these lyrics. Guilty of being a honky, but low snitch potential.

XSP - .508

Daisuke Matsuzaka

$10,333,333

More of a scammer than a snitch. His orange hair, fake gyroball, and perceived "upside" landed him an MLB contract packed with special accommodations and clauses which have resulted in 49 wins in five years with only 16 coming in the past three (and 15 losses). The media never really talks to him or cares about him. Most Red Sox fans are using the Dice-K player shirt they bought prematurely in 2007 as a jizz rag.

XSP - .245

HITTERS:

Lars Anderson

$482,000

A very, very white person and failed prospect who comes off quite introspective. Indie rock, literature, and self awareness are discussed. He also mentions that your teammates are "a temporary relationship, whether it lasts a month or ten years; it's a relationship that is going to end." Oh, he also knits and comes from a self-described eclectic family. He also mentions that he'd like to meet known snitch Shoeless Joe Jackson. Better chance at having a career in telling than being a productive Major Leaguer.

XSP - .882

Mike Aviles

$1,200,000

"Rocketeer" by Far East Movement ft. Ryan Tedder

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A Puerto Rican from the Bronx. Next.

XSP - .218

Carl Crawford

$20,357,143

"Balling" by Young Jeezy ft. Lil Wayne

Who? Oh, that expensive guy on the DL with the sperm cell tattooed on his neck and super close together eyes. Yeah, who cares.

XSP - .152

Jacoby Ellsbury

$8,050,000

"Let It Rock" by Kevin Rudolph ft. Lil Wayne

It's been reported that Tacoby Bellsbury isn't well liked in the clubhouse, with his teammates accusing him of milking injuries… or at least Youk pointing the finger at him. His closest friend on the team, Jed Lowrie, was traded in the offseason, which isolated the Native American center fielder. Ellsbury's salary and good looks make his XSP low, with the Red Sox most likely not signing him to a big extension. Being tagged as a snitch could affect his pending free agency dollars.

XSP - .684

Adrian Gonzalez

$21,857,143

"Get Up Levantate" by Pitbull

Mexican-American born-again Christian with a bible psalm engraved on his bat, which means he is a God-fearing man. You never hear his teammates even acknowledge him, which might scream "introvert," but he's just a quiet dude. He's also making almost 22 million and the media hates him.

XSP .245

Darnell McDonald

$506,500

"Niggas in Paris" by Jay-Z and Kanye West

Tested positive for weed as a Minor Leaguer, has neck tattoos and a brother named Donzell. Boston is a city where underachiving white people are labeled "gritty" and embraced, and All Star-caliber minorities are run out of town and put on blast. Darnell would never be mistaken for an All Star or a snitch.

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XSP. - .198

David Ortiz

$14,575,000

"Never Scared" by Bone Crusher ft. Killer Mike & T.I.

A Francona apologist who "defended" the clubhouse situation by saying it was always there, AKA these white boys are always drinking domestic beer, blasting country music, and line dancing, while fighting over who gets winner in Madden. Tweets in Spanish, took performance enhancers. A cheat with mild, at best, snitching tendencies.

XSP - .352

Dustin Pedroia

$8,250,000

"Dre Day" by Dr. Dre ft. Snoop Dogg

A white California boy who once called his hometown a dump and has a brother who went to jail for a sex crime. Best friends with Terry Francona, the man who allegedly lost control of the clubhouse and was fired for it. Known to be cocky and a shit-talker, a rookie of the year and MVP with litte motivation to snitch. At a generous 5'9, could have "Little Man Syndrome." Oh, and a fan of Dorm Rap.

XSP - .620

Jarrod Saltalamacchia

$2,500,000

"8 Second Ride" by Jake Owen

Inked up white person with the longest last name in MLB history, which translates to "jump over the thicket." Nickname is "Salty," but not in the way people from Philadelphia use it when describing someone who is jealous, e.g. "Word? He got mad salty when his jawn got tooken, get me a wudder ice!" (no clue what that means). He once refused to say what clubhouse nicknames the players have for each other, which shows his reluctance to snitch.

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XSP - .626

Kevin Youkilis

$12,250,000

"Just a Friend" by Biz Markie

Intense, hated, hard on the eyes, trained with Manny Ramirez, and developed power (weird), then fought with Manny. Perhaps the only human that gets psyched up to perform physical activity by listening to Biz Markie. The Boston sports media implied that Youkilis was the snitch Beckett was referring to, but without any real evidence. Youkilis has expressed desire to play for his hometown Reds and seems to really annoy the shit out of his teammates. With free agency looming he might be snitching his way out of town.

XSP - .890

TAKEAWAYS:

Like I thought, white players from Texas tend to be the biggest snitches, though they also tend to be the fuckups who require getting snitched on. Youkilis and Lars Anderson, both first basemen, received the highest marks, while Carl Crawford and Mike Aviles dragged out the bottom. Does XSP correlate to high on-base percentages or love of Garth Brooks and/or Puddle of Mudd? Either way, Lars Anderson is a well-read failed prospect who can open a knitting studio or start a jam band while Youkilis is devoid of any value other than his declining baseball skills. He might have bought his former coach's daughter a pony but that doesn't mean he's not a snitch.

@LiveSuburbia