LFW: Sequins, Coal and Ham

It's London Fashion Week SS14, but you weren't invited to any shows. Feel skinny and important by reading these reports instead. Air kisses.

PHOEBE ENGLISH

Walking into Phoebe English on Saturday morning, you would have been forgiven for assuming that someone had forgotten to bring the clothes. The focal point of the room – situated across the pavilion in Somerset House, away from the tinsel top hats and braying gonzo paparazzi of the main strip – was a huge mound of of coal. Meaning you had to manoeuvre your way around the pile of black, lumpy, glossy stuff (it was literally coal) as you moved through the space.

And then the clothes emerged. Turns out they hadn't been forgotten – they'd just been camouflaged. Because, rather than hanging off exhausted, unblinking models, they were being worn. By people. Who would actually wear them IRL. Bombshell. Phoebe explained how what had started as an unmoving installation had morphed into what we were seeing as "more and more pieces came off the installation and onto the girls, so now it's a combination of installation and presentation".

It's always encouraging when a designer acknowledges that clothes must one day break free from those plastic dry-cleaning bags and exist on the back of a real person. Phoebe told us how "each girl chose an outfit they thought they would actually wear and what they felt would suit them best," and you could tell. The pieces were soft, sheer and layered – the standout texture being a woven sheer net that resembled that jumbled knot of tights you get at the bottom of the washing machine (in a really good way). A sheer red sleeve emerged and a black net hem dropped down over a slip. It's clever precisely because it manages to capture a sense of real individuality using few materials and three plain colours.

I love Phoebe because she makes every single piece of her clothing in England, which shows a dedication and integrity you'd be pushed to find elsewhere during fashion week. Oh, and there was the free ham. Plates and plates of it. Of the ham? "It's really, really good," said Phoebe. Of the show? Ditto.

TESSA EDWARDS

The theme of Tessa Edwards' show was cricket, though that wasn’t immediately obvious from the jewel-encrusted animal heart being projected onto the screen in St Martin-in-the-Fields' Cafe in the Crypt. Still, as the models trooped out and lined up behind one another in (slightly menacing) rows of four, the idea of sportsmanship and power came into play. Beautifully soft, white V-neck net dresses were outlined in the same kind of black piping that ran up the legs of the Kappa tracksuit I had when I was 11. There were strong masculine silhouettes and sharp tailoring, both of which were softened with tumbling rolls of sheer fabric.

Shoes were either Nike trainers strapped to hard, thick platform soles, or angular, thick heels that restricted movement to a courageous teeter – so not exactly sports ready. Overriding some of the staunchly male theme, the amount of nipple on show through sheer white net was a clever way to subliminally introduce hints of femininity to the collection. And ideas of gender were clearly an inspiration throughout, as polarised clichés of both female and male inhabited each outfit.

Aside from the white, there was the deep purple and red print of the aforementioned heart, which bled constantly throughout the show. So maybe Tessa’s asking us to stop thinking in terms of gender and love one another equally. Or maybe she just cares a lot about cardiovascular fitness.

ASHISH

And finally to Ashish, that longtime champion of sequins, who had embellished the denim in his collection with clusters of diamante jewels. On top of the sequins. Never one to shy away from OTT, all the usual features made an appearance: double denim, glittery slogan T-shirts and slouchy boyish cuts. Ashish has always struck me as relatively unisex, so the decision to send male models down the runway wasn't surprising.

What does seem strange, however, is the telepathic connection Ashish appears to have with Marc Jacobs, as his collection hinged on a sort of hillbilly princess theme, punctuated by repeated Coca Cola branding – hello Georgia Jagger in Jacobs' Coke-branded sweatshirt like five minutes ago.

Follow Bertie on Twitter: @bertiebrandes

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