1 MULTI DOLL
This no-frills blow-up doll is simply: a pair of tits, a cunt, and an ass. There’s a pump there to make sure it’s tight enough for you , and an adjustable vibrator at the end, but it doesn’t bother with superlatives like a head or hair or anything. Like a Thalidomide -induced miscarriage. Jesus. I feel like I’m going to cry.
2 THE NEW DJ THE GIRL AND SOCCERSTAR MIXED CD
The New York Electro Wave comp is hot but this mix kicks electro ass so hard the remaining bruise looks like those Transworld Snowboarding pictures where some dude went off a cliff and landed cheek-first on a huge sharp rock.
Available from firstname.lastname@example.org for $10.
3 ASS VIDEO GAMES
Tokyo is a place where you have entire stores dedicated to shit. Shit-shaped candies, shit shirts, shit toys. They also have a groundbreaking new game that is hilarious (too funny for words) to play called Boong-Ga Boong-Ga. You can slap a bitch’s ass for a few points, or insert a plastic finger in it for more. The real points come for a successfully completed enema but, because the game isn’t quite finished yet, that is all but impossible. The faces this video victim wears are of the freak-you-out variety, but if you don’t like the girl you get you can switch her with a variety of other ones including: your boss, your ex-girlfriend, a child molester or “a gangsta!”
4 ORANGE ‘N’ ICE CREAM DRINK
You know those Popsicles that are orange on the outside with ice cream on the inside? Are those the best? Revellos aren’t even that good. Well, this is a drink of those things. Right after you drink it you’re going to be like, “New favorite drink,” all matter of factly like it’s a given.
Napster is dead but don’t let that make you junk sick. You can satiate your jones with Napigator, a highly illegal search engine that finds whoever is online with your song and let’s you at it. It updates itself regularly so even if some Metallica buff is only available for an hour you will be hooked up.
See napigator.com - you should also check out imesh.com and winmx.com and gnutella.wego.com and zeropaid.com
6 MEAN MACHINE DOLLS
Chara and Yuki (of Chara and Yuki fame) have started a new band for candy-assed teenagers and it’s called Mean Machine. They went to Takashi Murakami for merchandising h
elp and he made dolls of the band that have gigantic wads of milk shooting out of their breasts. Then they said, “Er … thanks, guy.”
This finger-hugging accessory is also the smallest vibrator in the whole world. The Fukuoko comes with extra batteries, a carrying case and several different fingertip sizes etc etc but what is it with vibrators going at 600 000 miles an hour? Are they trying to numb your cunt? Don’t think she can tell the difference with all the different finger textures after that thing comes “neeeeeeeeee-ee-eee-ing” along. Why can’t we have a real slow dub thing that is like “whu, whu, whu, whu, whu, whu” like an old tugboat?
8 YASHICA T5
Every documentary photographer (the only kind of photographer we look at here) that’s worth a pube uses the Yashica T5. We heard they’re about to stop making them so we bought one right away and started taking pictures and then noticed that, unless you have some talent in that field, your pictures suck no matter what you use. Frig.
9 ZAPATISTA DOLLS
Does Mexico think they can ever stop the Zapatistas? Why didn’t they arrest them then when these aboriginal revolutionaries of Chiapas stormed Mexico city in buses chanting, “Here we are. Here we are.”? The only thing more powerful than the Zapatistas is the Zapatista dolls their kids play with. Though nobody know exactly how many rebels are living in the hills it is understood that the dolls outweigh the soldiers four to one.
This month’s winner:
The dolls - Viva Zapata!!