ANGELS AFTER DARK

I don't know about you, but my dreams suck. They're not fun. Other people tell me how they dream about flying and monsters and having lots of sex. My last memorable dream involved me nursing a beer at a bar I like to go to, only it was slightly different in ways that are boring to explain. They're usually worse. So when an email comes along offering a 100%-guaranteed way to invite angels into my dreams and improve my life, what have I got to lose? Nothing, says

Robert Zink

, the proprietor of

The Power of Angels

and inventor of

Angels in Your Dreams

. Here's what you do: you play an angelic CD, you spritz some angelic oil around (four different oils each attract a unique archangel), then you fall asleep--the angels handle the rest. When you wake up, you start the day fortified with the power of angels. VICE recently talked to

Mr. Zink

about this new product and what it means for those of us with shitty dreams. After a lot of dry talk about evocations and olfactory subconsciousness and summoning fire spirits into fireplaces, we got him to open up about the real potential of angel dreams.

VICE: Your site says that with proper spiritual guidance and angelic intervention you can achieve almost anything--are there any limits to what you can accomplish?

Robert Zink:

I don't think so. I believe we can accomplish anything.

It says they can help us in "Overcoming Insurmountable Obstacles" - could we leap over mountains if we use the CD and oils?

Yes.

Wait, seriously?

Yes.

Like actually, physically jump over a mountain.

Yes.

Wow. OK, here's something that's been bugging me. You say that angels can help your prosperity and finances--could they help you so much that you become a rich old crank? Could a camel have a greater chance of entering the kingdom of heaven than you (Luke 18:24-25)?

[condescending laugh] No, no. You're still working with the angels--if your spiritual development is poor enough that you might consider sin, then you could not achieve such wealth through angelic means.

So I couldn't convince an angel that I honestly need a lot of money for good, then take that money and start a life of sin?

The extent to which the angels will aid and benefit you is that of your overall spiritual development. My CDs help you invoke the angel, not simply the essence of money, or business sense, or whatever.

Could I summon just the essence of money? Like, could I make an oil that vibrates the spirit of cash, and wake up with stacks of bills lying around?

Yes, probably. There are people who attempt to do that sort of thing.

Do you know them? Could you give me their numbers?

[laughs] Maybe.

OK, we'll get that sorted out later. Do you need to believe in angels for these things to work?

The thing about the power of angels is that the universe, if you believe in the power of angels, will behave as if it works. But even if you don't believe in angels, if you listen to the CD and use the oils, you'll begin to realize their power, and you'll begin to believe in and experience them.

That's very clever of angels. How did you first discover all this business?

I was in a bit of trouble as a teen--I was in a juvenile detention center, facing a term of a few months. I prayed to the archangel Michael to let me out. The lights went down then came back up, and I heard the door rattling. Then they opened it up and said "OK, Zink, you're free to go." And I thought "Whoa--this is something."

What were you in juvie for?

That's private.

Are you kidding?

Zink was not kidding and did not have the numbers of any good cash-oil people. If you are honestly interested in learning more about using dream-angels to improve your life then I guess check out the links above and give this guy your money. You might also be into that

The Secret

thing. Or abusing heroin. Just a thought.