Everyone's least favorite online music magazine, Spin, threw a huge, star-studded bash last weekend. Just like a recent graduate of NYU still living comfortably off a weekly check from his or her parents, Spin magazine celebrated their 6th year in Brooklyn with the most exclusive event of the season. Invitations to the VIP event were coveted by people who have never been able to go a Pitchfork party and people who couldn't sneak into the intern's birthday party at the Fader offices alike. The event's attendees included famous socialites, one of the less popular members of Wu-Tang clan, and a very disoriented Susan Sarandon. For those who couldn't get on guest list, here's an account of my fabulous time at the Spin HQ.
To make sure Spin magazine's anniversary blowout was memorable, the innovative minds on the event's creative team had a few ideas for party favors that the guests could bring home to mark the occasion. Insiders tell me that a pair of headphones was in the running to be the crown jewel of the swag bag, as well as a baby-soft hoodie with the Spin logo on it. (If only!) My sources say that, at one point, Spin was just going to hand out a giant bag of cash. While brainstorming, however, one organizer (the man on the right) luckily had a stroke of genius. "Let's give out enormous novelty ping pong paddles," he announced to a table full of white guys wearing matching fedoras.
The enormous ping pong paddles were reportedly so expensive and difficult to manufacture that the budget only allowed for two or three. So, sadly, most attendees had to settle for normal-sized, nondescript ping pong paddles. This is a photo of Raekwon (of Wu-Tang Clan fame), furious about his "insultingly miniature" ping pong paddle (his words). Raekwon spent the rest of the night sobbing in a corner. "What part of WU-TANG CLAN AIN'T NOTHIN' TO FUCK WITH do these people NOT understand?" he cried. "Why must my life be a constant struggle?" The head of Spin's PR ended up giving Raekwon all three of the huge ping pong paddles and a really big bag of candy just to appease the wanton Wu-Tang member because his uncontrollable weeping was scaring the other guests.
This man was the party's "official selfie taker" and another brilliant idea from the fedora guys in the marketing department. He stood on a stage all night and took selfies. That's literally it. That's all he did. They chose a white guy with dreadlocks specifically to entertain the millennials because they heard that young people love appropriating other cultures.
At first glance, this room may look whimsical and exciting. You may even think, "Wow, I would love to party in there." But this room was actually closed off to the majority of the party guests. It functioned sort of like a jail cell, where security sent people who were too high to function, or simply too annoying to party with.
Within the first hour of the party, Raekwon insisted that the fedora men and white guy with dreadlocks stay in here. Unfortunately, none of the men realized that the rapper just meant for the rest of the night; they assumed it was lifelong imprisonment. This caused a mass panic. Being the innovative and disruptive minds that they were, the men decided to try to escape the room by lighting it on fire with their monogramed Zippos, so they could walk through the flames back into the party, where women would fall to their knees and start blowing them immediately because their entrance was so cool. The men succeeded at burning down the room, but unfortunately they were stuck inside.
As I was mingling with under-paid music journalists, I heard a scream and a loud crash coming from the other side of the room. I looked in the direction of the noise and, sure enough, Raekwon was at it again. "What are these? Burgers for INFANTS?" Raekwon shouted moments before he slapped a plate of burgers out of a waiter's hand and stomped on it. At that point, one of the only surviving event organizers rushed over to the disappointed rapper and explained to him that they had spent most of the party's budget on the giant ping pong paddles and simply could not afford normal-sized hamburgers. Raekwon said he understood and apologized, then he began hitting himself with the enormous ping pong paddle as a sort of self-flagellation thing.
Here's a photo of Susan Sarandon at Spin's six-year anniversary party. She got lost on her way to the Emmy awards, but nobody had the heart to tell her she was in the wrong place. The magazine's editor-in-chief even presented her with a ball of tinfoil molded to look like an Emmy. "I'm not even on a TV show," she said before sprinting out of the room with a confused look on her face.
When it was time for the party to end, the guests were having too much fun and would not leave. Not even the bouncer could force them out. This would have been a huge problem, if not for this man (above), who doesn't know how to play the saxophone. He went up to each partygoer individually and played horrible, off-key, loud-ass saxophone noises in their ear until they couldn't take it anymore. Let me be the first to say, bless this man.