America was colonized by a bunch of guys with names like “Cotton” who wanted the freedom to wear really ugly hats and burn witches and not enjoy sex, and the USA has been the sweet, sweet home of liberty ever since. However, from time to time enemies of freedom rear their wart-covered heads and say judgmental things in their nasally voices like, “You shouldn’t be allowed to smoke that,” or “Why would anyone want a gun-shaped vibrator?” One day—maybe soon—we will get all the freedoms Thomas Jefferson imagined for us, and on that day you are all invited to move to Montana with me, where we will raise golden retrievers for meat and defend our LSD synthesizing operation with the highest-caliber automatic weapons available from the local general supermarket. Until then, it’s helpful to learn which rights you are gaining, and which are being stripped away from us by our tyrannical elected officials.
The latter is happening in Wisconsin, where a circuit court judge issued a bizarre verdict that concluded there is no “fundamental right to consume the milk from [your] own cow,” and furthermore, citizens “do not have a fundamental right to produce and consume the foods of their choice.” The judge, Patrick J. Fiedler, was presiding over a trial where the core issue was whether a group of raw-milk enthusiasts (folks like Dan Deacon, who think that pasteurization is a con game invented by the Man) could drink the milk produced by cows that they owned. This ruling wasn’t on whether or not you could sell non-FDA approved food to consumers; it actually stated that the government could suddenly change its regulations and decide that you weren’t allowed to milk your own cow after all—which is just what the Wisconsin Department of Agriculture, Trade, and Consumer Protection did in 2009.
Immediately, the “food rights” advocates took up arms on the internet and called for Judge Walker’s body to be delivered to them in a garbage bag, at which point they would presumably eat it in violation of all FDA regulations. The decision is being appealed, which means we’re still many pages of motions and counter-motions from being told whether the government can literally force-feed us whatever it wants.
In happier news, Florida state representative Ritch Workman—who has a terrifying glassy-eyed stare--is fighting for the right of all dwarves to be thrown across pubs in dehumanizing sideshows. “Dwarf tossing” is exactly what it sounds like, and it’s been demonized by the Little People of America as a “degrading” spectacle that paralyzed tossed dwarves in the past. Workman, however, has framed the current anti-dwarf-tossing law as devastating to the economy. "All that [the law] does is prevent some dwarfs from getting jobs they would be happy to get," he told the Palm Beach Post, no doubt imagining a utopia where all the unemployed little people of America are being flung onto whiskey-stained floors for the amusement of drunken rednecks with crew cuts like himself.
Not all little people were opposed to Workman’s idea, either. Dave Flood, a little person who VICE readers may remember for wearing suits of meat and wrestling beautiful naked women, said that, "If you want to be tossed, and you're a dwarf, that should be up to you." Hard logic to argue with, especially when you know, in your heart of hearts, that you sort of want to see dwarves being thrown.