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How to Not Be a Grown Man Who's Still Sleeping on a Mattress on the Floor

Even on a sk8r boi budget, you can stop living like a scrub. Here's how to grow up a little, from affordable bed frames to no-brainer wall art.
Ian Burke
Brooklyn, US
June 28, 2021, 2:41pm
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COMPOSITE BY VICE STAFF/Getty Images

We all have (or had) at least one: a man in our lives who has his mattress on the ground. We’ve also heard all of the excuses. (It’s Japandi chic! It’s great for your back! I’m an art kid who lives in Bushwick!) But with a floor mattress comes other unsightly decor choices. We’re talking empty bottles of liquor and beer as mantle decorations, an upside-down Amazon box that functions as a bedside table, half-full cups of coffee that were left out months ago and are now “science experiments,” and much more. You know the type, you’ve lived with the type, you’re dating the type, or you are the type. 

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Don’t worry: We’re here to help. 

Before you judge Mattress Man too harshly, just know it’s not his fault that he's the world's lamest superhero. It’s simply in his blood. And in a slightly skewed way, it’s sweet that it takes so little for him to be happy. In a less cute way, you’re tired of having to do a Turkish Getup and step over a minefield of PBR cans and trash to go to the bathroom whenever you sleep over. So, if you’ve gently nudged as much as one can nudge gently, there’s only one thing left to do: Assemble some of his friends, family, and roommates—it’s intervention time. 

Now, there’s no 30-day retreat to help combat your man’s mattress-on-the-ground syndrome. It’s more of a gradual lifestyle change—a literal investment in their future, if you will. The easiest way to get started on his beframed journey? Getting him some quality, adult furniture (that's still very affordable on a sk8r boi budget) so he has no excuse to continue living in his current… “minimalist” bedroom. Lucky for him (and you), we put together a list of some of our favorite pieces that are sure to help him get his mattress (and his room’s self esteem) off the ground. 

Literally buy him a bed frame

They really aren’t that expensive these days! Well, some are—but baby steps, people. Remember, anything is better than his current mattress situation, so as long as he pulls the trigger on one of these bad boys (and doesn’t leave it in the box for months after it shows up), you can count it as a win. That's right—his mattress could make it off the ground for just about 50 bucks. 

Amazon Basics

Metal Bed Frame

Wayfair Sleep

14" Bed Frame

West Elm

Simple Bed Frame

A “nightstand” is not, in fact, a skateboard trick

Where else is he going to put empty bottles of Modelo and a copy of The Stranger he skimmed once in college? A nightstand is the next step toward a full-blown adult room, and is a serious upgrade from using a cardboard box, the floor, or the side of the bed he doesn’t sleep on to hold his essentials. 

That pile of clothes on his chair has become sentient

It also has an accent you can’t place. (Québécois?) Anyway, before he starts filing it as a dependent (“The IRS will know I had good intentions!”) get him a roll of quarters and a large hamper that he can slowly fill up, since we know he’s only really doing laundry once a month. Maybe. 

Caroeas

22" Rolling Slim Laundry Basket

Bayou Breeze

Espresso Wicker Laundry Hamper

Yamazaki Home

Collapsible Laundry Hamper

Take down the Barstool flag 

You know what? Take down all of the flags, tapestries, and posters that may have once adorned his college dorm room or childhood bedroom. (Unless, of course, it’s the flag of the best state in the union.) It’s about time he put up some grown-up art. Or, if he’s really sentimental about those Pulp Fiction and Kurt Cobain posters, just get him a few frames. (And some new content.)

KatiesUrbanArt

Retro Minimalist Flower Market Art Print Set of 6

IDEA4WALL

Framed Canvas Wall Art

Beth Hoeckel

LILY POND LANE Art Print

A place for his three shirts 

Well, four, if you count his lacrosse pinnie. (We don’t.) Shelves and organizers are an easy organizational upgrade that gets his shit off the ground, and give him “so much room for activities,” as he’ll surely quote. And, it’ll be a great place to line up empty bottles of liquor when he panics and has a frat-house/art-kid home-decor relapse. 

SimpleHouseware

4 Tiers Wire Shelving

Latitude Run

White Crystelle Solid Wood Etagere Bookcase

West Elm

Brennan 6-Drawer Dresser

Really tie the room together

Rugs really can change the entire vibe of a room. And, let’s be real—if The Dude had one, it must be cool. Though, we can’t promise your Mattress Man won’t reenact the pissing scene after one-too-many Colt 45s. (Even if he hasn’t seen The Big Lebowski, he’ll definitely tell you that he’s “seen most of it.”)

Mohawk Home

New Wave Rainbow Stripe Area Rug

Corrigan Studio

Charbonneau Abstract Handmade Tufted Wool Orange Area Rug

Balta

Janus Moroccan Contemporary Berber Shag Area Rug

Cheer to the new life, boys. [Cracks a Tecate.]


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