Master of explosions and gratuitous hero shots Michael Bay has a new movie coming to Netflix next month, and it looks, uh, like the most Michael Bay thing imaginable. Last month, Netflix released the trailer for 6 Underground, starring Ryan Reynolds, Dave Franco, and a bunch of other actors that look familiar if difficult to place, and it is a mindless mishmash of action tropes. Car chases! Explosions! Something about giant magnets or something!
But it turns out that is only the beginning. On Thursday, Slashfilm brought the official 6 Underground poster to our collective attention, and it is somehow even worse than you could possibly imagine.
Words cannot accurately describe how truly, incomprehensibly bad it is, so please, feast your eyes up on it and let the sheer, mind-boggling heinousness of it wash over you:
Yes, that is the real poster for a real Michael Bay movie. Yes, it looks like something a 15-year-old would-be director Photoshopped together in his Intro to Design class. Slashfilm said it was worse than the fake action posters inside other movies and dubbed it "the worst movie poster ever created," which might actually sell it better than it deserves since the 6 Underground poster isn't so bad that it loops back around to being good again, like those handpainted posters from Ghana. This poster just blows.
The thing is so ugly and shoddily done that it brings to mind a whole cornucopia of questions—most notably, how did anyone at Netflix actually allow this to exist?—but in keeping with the film's number theme, let's stick with six. Are you ready? Let's get started!
Is That Actually a Tagline?
"They say no one can save the world," the poster reads. "Meet no one." It sounds like a discarded tagline from a McBain movie. It also just… doesn't make any basic logical sense.
The poster is full of people, but they're using the singular instead of the plural, so the tagline must just be referring to Ryan Reynolds, right? He's the no one? Or are all these people supposed to be "No Ones," because it is presumably an ensemble film? The tagline reads like a zen koan, like it is supposed to be so purposefully confusing that it twists the brain into a knot. Is that the intended goal?
Unlikely, but let's give Netflix the benefit of the doubt.
Is that Car Moments Away from Running Over Ryan Reynolds or What?
Someone—a heavily-Photoshopped Dave Franco, from the looks of it—is behind the wheel of a bright green car, barreling towards Reynolds and the other No Ones. It seems to be driving away from an explosion, and possibly spraying sparks from its back tires, but the basic physics of the entire scene make no conceivable sense. Who is in front of whom? Is that guy in the white jacket extremely tall, or is he standing on some kind of small hill?
In any case, Dave Franco is about to run over everyone on the entire poster, right? Well, aside from that one guy, who appears to be vaulting himself over the car with one hand on the roof while it is in motion. And, speaking of the car…
Why Is It So Long?
What's going on behind that tall guy with the gun? Let's zoom in for a second, shall we?
There we go. That's the front right side of the car, isn't it? How big is this car? Does it have some kind of massive, elongated hood and, if so, shouldn't the gun guy be kneeling on it, right? Nothing makes any spatial sense. Normal physics do not exist in the world of the 6 Underground poster. And, wait, while we're still on the subject of the car, one more question:
Is Her Dress the Exact Same Color as the Car?
This is a legitimate question. I am red/green colorblind. They look the same to me. Are they? Someone please answer this. Moving on.
Does This Movie Even Have a Plot?
The tagline doesn't actually tell us anything about the film's plot, and the trailer doesn't, either, so we'll have to look elsewhere for some understanding. Thankfully, Netflix released a synopsis and, although it is still strangely bad and full of sentence fragments, it at least lays out a basic narrative conceit.
What’s the best part of being dead?
It isn’t escaping your boss, your ex, or even erasing your criminal record.
The best part about being dead…is the freedom.
The freedom to fight the injustice and evil that lurk in our world without anyone or anything to slow you down or tell you “no.”
6 Underground introduces a new kind of action hero. Six individuals from all around the globe, each the very best at what they do, have been chosen not only for their skill, but for a unique desire to delete their pasts to change the future. The team is brought together by an enigmatic leader (Ryan Reynolds), whose sole mission in life is to ensure that, while he and his fellow operatives will never be remembered, their actions damn sure will.
OK, so, uh, there you have it. It apparently has a plot, albeit an extremely flimsy one, so—wait a second.
Why Are There Seven People on the Poster Then?
OK, that's a good question actually. But if the movie gets a bonus seventh person, then we should get a seventh question, too!
Could This Terrible Poster Actually Be Some Kind of Galaxy-Brained Marketing Stunt?
Netflix has already somehow tricked us into watching their previous garbage action movies like Bird Box and whatever that Ben Affleck one was called by making them so damn memeable, so maybe this bonkers poster is their brilliant way to get us talking about 6 Underground, too. If so, congratulations. It worked. But it still doesn't mean we should go watch 6 Underground.
If, for some reason, you do want to see it after all this, you can catch 6 Underground on Netflix starting December 13. Let's hope the thing is as brain-bleedingly incomprehensible as the poster itself.