Beware: "Rio 2016" Cocaine Is Not an Officially Sanctioned Olympic Product

Rio cocaine dealers now using the Olympic logo, plus the warning 'don't use near children,' which is very thoughtful — Alex Cuadros (@alexcuadros)July 26, 2016

If any one sacred, unifying creed has held together the Olympic Games over the past few decades, it is branding. Who can forget the inspiring sight of Michael Jordan covering up the Reebok logo on the medal stand in 1992?

With the Games set to start in Rio in next week, at least one group has demonstrated a keen understanding of this more crucial Olympic tenet: Brazil's cocaine traffickers. According to the Brazilian newspaper O Globo, Rio police seized 93 bags of local blow on Monday, each labeled with the famous five rings symbol and the official "Rio 2016" logo, right above a prudent warning that their nose candy is not intended for children:

It's the tiny "™" just to the right of the logo that really pulls the whole thing together. Sure, they probably just copied the logo straight off the internet and simply ignored the trademark symbol, but maybe - just maybe - trademark infringement is the one line that Brazilian drug traffickers simply will not cross:

Drug Trafficker #1: "Are this the new shipment of cocaine labels? Wait a second…where the hell is the trademark symbol?"

Drug Trafficker #2: "I left it off. Is it really that important?"

Drug Trafficker #1: "Of course it is…we're a drug cartel, not a bunch of animals!"

The Brazilian government probably isn't too thrilled to see the Rio 2016 on cocaine baggies, but they might not have to worry about athletes bringing them into the Olympic village. Athletes don't need to waste money on expensive drugs; they can just get high off the gas fumes for free,

Rio 2016 spokesman says smell of gas in athletes village is totally normal. That's how you test gas is connected, he says.

— tariq panja (@tariqpanja)July 25, 2016

So please remember, distinguished guests of Rio, that the cocaine is not an officially-sanctioned Rio 2016 product. The gas fumes, on the other hand, are readily available, with our compliments. Feel free to take a whiff.