Oh, Canada. It's finally happening. We are finally getting our own Donald Trump.
We have been wailing and gnashing our teeth for a proper homegrown equivalent to the thrillionaire New York supervillain who has stolen America's heart and/or future. Where is our rich asshole famous for playing a rich asshole on television? Where is our CanCon-friendly maverick businessman?
Turns out it's Kevin goddamn O'Leary. K-Money. He's getting ready to dive like Scrooge McDuck into the Conservative leadership race in February. Which means that 2017 is going to be off the chain.
For those of you who don't know him, Kevin O'Leary is a serious business man looking to make some serious business deals that will make some serious fucking money. Fat stacks of scratch. "You got to pay Daddy," he told the Business News Network in 2008. "I need dough and I need dough every month. You got to pay Daddy number one."
Even though he's lived in America forever, he has heard his people cry out from beneath the crushing weight of our totalitarian federal government and he's here to bust us out—with the power of deals.
Have you seen this guy on Dragon's Den? He's the most savvy one. The dude from Boston Pizza is always chucking money at randos with apps like "yeah let's see where this goes" but Kevin is just constantly shutting scrubs down. People with their bad business ideas are crying and Kevin is just sitting in his chair screaming "MONEY DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, YOUR TEARS ADD NO VALUE" because that's how good he is at deals and not being a sociopath.
Mr. Wonderful on the wonders of wealth inequality
Kevin O'Leary only cares about money. If we put him in charge of all our money, he will be so good with it. He will gently coo sweet lullabies to the money and stroke the money lovingly. Our money will grow up big and strong and self-assured thanks to Daddy.
Canada is a sexy money-making machine, but Justin Trudeau doesn't know how to use it. Justin Trudeau has probably never even read Ayn Rand because he was too busy surfing or teaching and that is outrageous. Kevin O'Leary is outraged. Kevin O'Leary is throwing fistfuls of dollars at the wall and jumping up and down on expensive pillows like Yosemite Sam because that is the sort of thing Kevin O'Leary can afford to do when he is outraged.
Kevin O'Leary is the true outsider that Canada's disenfranchised Conservatives are craving. Kellie Leitch is a phony and Chris Alexander is a coward and Maxime Bernier is a Frenchman. Only Mr. Wonderful can exorcise the evil spirit of Big Government using the TV charm he honed for years on the public broadcaster.
Lots of liberals and leftists will whine that being the prime minister is totally different from running a business or that Canadians are too smart to be taken for a ride by a man famous for yelling investment advice at people on television. These are the same people who said Brexit would never happen and that Trump would never be the president because they were both such transparently bad ideas. Ignore these people. They are out of touch with the new reality.
The declining middle class doesn't give a shit about eggheads or their moralizing. They care about cold, hard cash and sticking it to sanctimonious progressive assholes.
They care about style over substance. Trudeau's got an aristocratic poise but Kevin O'Leary has the raw, gaudy magnetism of new money, which is more compelling than all of the other Conservative candidates rolled together.
So buckle in baby. Daddy's going to get his dough. Let's see how the federal state does in the Shark Tank.
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