The Song Remains the Same: The Grammys Have No Idea What's Going On

I don’t know if fun has anything to do with it, but time sure seems to be flying by at a horrendous clip lately. I was shocked to hear that the Grammys were on again last night. I thought they were supposed to happen every 15 years, like the Olympics. Now it’s like they’re on every two weeks. At the very least, that would explain the lack of thought that goes into giving out the Best New Artist award, which every year since it’s been awarded, seems to make less sense and like it’s decided over a game of rock, paper, scissors by clueless lunatics.

I don’t know that I agree with a single decision the judges for Best New Artist have ever made, without counting some of the picks that were clearly jokes, like Evanescence (2004) and Starland Vocal Band (1977). 1970 seems like the closest the judges ever came to having their finger on the pulse of anything (unless you count Bobby Darin or something. But that was 1959, when humans experienced the passing of one earth year the way they experience the passing of approximately three and a half earth years now). Crosby Stills & Nash took the boxy little prize, which at least nearly reflected the “newness” thing since their first record came out in 1969. But given the fact that David Crosby, Stephen Stills and Graham Nash were each already famous before starting CSN, it almost doesn’t count at all, right? Also, Led Zeppelin were nominated that year and didn’t win. Come to think of it, 1970 may have been the worst Grammys of them all.

I know from reading the Wikipedia page for the Grammy Award for Best New Artist that nominees are not necessarily selected for being “new” in the traditional sense of the word and are selected based on earning remarkable notoriety. Or, “selling out” if you’re so inclined. Last night, Bon Iver frontman and flash-meme, Justin Vernon accepted the Best New Artist award. It was proof that nothing has changed: If you can write a song that can be used in a commercial, you’re good to go. It’s the only reason Nickelback doesn’t have one—though they’ve been nominated for six other Grammy awards—because anyone who needs music for a truck commercial can just ask their son to write it.

Not that I had expected anything to change, or that I even watched the Grammys, or that I don’t want a Grammy myself but how the hell on Earth can something like this even possibly still exist? Who is seeding information to the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences about what’s up?

At any rate, here’s a recap of some of the stuff that seemed sorta interesting at the Grammys this year based on what I overheard people talking about, Tweeting about or posting on Facebook about:

This low resolution version of The Beach Boys performance someone put on YouTube to drive traffic to a video called, “One of Smokin Joe’s last interviews 7/8/11 At the Seminole Hard Rock” makes me feel weird in an “uh oh, Freddy Kreuger” kind of way. Cartoon-come-life, Nicki Minaj pissed God off. According to Catholic League president Bill Donahue, it looks like the man upstairs got bummed out during Minaj’s performance that showed a “scantily clad female dancer stretching backwards while an altar boy knelt between her legs in prayer.” Then apparently some dude dressed as a bishop sang “Come All Ye Faithful.” Finally, the thing with Skrillex and Deadmau5 seemed kind of funny actually, but not nearly as funny as the way the LA Times wrote about it:

It began when Deadmau5 arrived on the red carpet wearing (in addition to his trademark mouse helmet) a black T-shirt with a phone number and the phrase "U mad bro?," a popular comeback in the darker corners of Internet prankster subculture.

Something cool has yet to happen. But at least there are still creepy, almost cool things happening on TV. R.I.P. WHITNEY.

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