Photo: Chris Bethell
There cannot be a more varied and chaotic crowd than that of at Glastonbury. The festival – which has been going for 53 years this summer – still tends to attract everyone from 62-year-old bearded wizards who spend the rest of the year going on pilgrimages to fresh-faced 19-year-old school leavers subsisting off NOS and protein bars, plus every C-list celebrity you can possibly think of in a poncho and sunglasses, pretending they don’t want to be noticed. Last year, I saw Tilda Swinton seven times, purchasing breakfast rolls. She’s not a C-lister, obviously, but you get my drift: everyone is there. Or, at least, 210,000 people are. The rest are letting you know that they definitely wouldn’t want to be there, anyway.
As a result, you tend to hear a lot of weird stuff in your surrounding area, at all times. It doesn’t help that people aren’t of their right mind: they’ve been up since 7AM two days ago, or are naturally high on having seen Lana Del Rey, Måneskin and Rick Astley all within the same 6 hours, and now their sentences are coming out mangled. At Glastonbury, the lizard brain reigns supreme. With all of the above in mind, here is everything we’ve overheard at Glastonbury 2023 so far: “Whenever I’m fucked I can’t stop dabbing. I was in Berghain last week dabbing relentlessly.”“So many mullets this year… what if I get pregnant?”“I just did a shit over there on the floor, it’s fine, no one says anything.”“Coke makes me talk weird, I start saying ‘mazal tov’ and shit.”“I’ve had like 21 anxiety attacks, how many have you had?”“Steve!… Steve!… Steve!… STEVE!… STEVE!… STEVE!… STEVE!… Oh, forget it.”
“Forget 9/11, you can tell someone’s age by asking if they remember Tesco Mary.”“Just saw my ex begging to get into the celeb bar.”“I’m really worried someone’s taken my ironic Bitcoin Instagram post seriously.”“Mark doesn’t know how to camp. Did you see he brought packaged snails?”“Please sir, can I have some more cokey?”
[At 4AM] “I’ll meet you at the bar in like 30 mins, just need to reply to some emails.”
“My drink tastes like old fish. Does yours taste like old fish?”[To the tune of “Arthur Theme Song”] “And I say hey, hey! What a wonderful kind of day! Do you want a key of k!”“Inside every woman there are two wolves: Lana Del Rey and Guns n’ Roses.”“Why did Guns n’ Roses put an n’ in their band name, that’s actually fucked now I think about it.”“Probably everyone here needs to go for a shit.”@daisythejones