This article originally appeared on VICE UK
Bad sex is subjective. No two people are alike: something that works for one person might make another want to run off and do a sick. That's just life! Some people just aren't that into weird smells!
To get an idea of what constitutes "bad" sex on a broader level, we took to the streets of Shoreditch to ask people. The results, predictably, varied.
VICE: Simon, what, to you, constitutes "bad" sex?
Simon, 48: One thing is being selfish. Just thinking of yourself, because if you're going to please the other person and she's going to please you then – yeah, selfishness. Selfishness and a lack of understanding make bad sex. Listen, feel and communicate. Thanks!
What counts as bad sex?
Ellie, 24: I think what counts as bad sex is when two people don't understand or appreciate the other person, so basically to get sexually aroused or turned on you need to understand what a person likes. That's about communication, so if there's a lack of communication and a lack of passion and just, basically, each party isn't communicating well, that's going to mean bad sex. What could someone do to make you not want to have sex with them any more?
I think hygiene. Even though I would say bad sex is related to two people, I would say hygiene is the biggest thing. If they just weren't communicating I would think 'whatever' and get the deed done and be like "Next!" But if there was bad hygiene I just wouldn't go there; I would have to say something.
What do you reckon counts as bad sex?
Danny, 33: Well, we're talking three minutes or less, aren't we? What would someone have to do to put you off forever?
Not a big fan of girls farting. That's harsh.
It is what it is.
What do you think is bad sex?
Kayleigh, 27: If they're drunk and can't perform. Or if you smell before you take your clothes off, just keep them on. Or if they're beggy. My friend had a guy who came back with her and she said, "Nothing is going to happen, sleep on the sofa," but he came into her bedroom and begged her to have sex with him. Like, give up and go have a wank in the toilet! I have a bad story if you want to hear it.
So this guy I was seeing about a year-and-a-half ago – I know some people might like it, but he thought it would be a really good turn on to put his finger up my bum. I don't like that! He did it while we were having sex. He always wanted to do it. I said, "No, I really don't like it," but he just kept trying to properly do me up the ass. I have never had it up the ass and I don't want it up my ass. I just had a flashback. I used to tell him I didn't like it and that it wasn't really my thing. Like, if you want to have ass sex that's fine. I don't, and I kept telling him. My bum is still a virgin except for his finger. He is the only person who has tried to do that to me.
So what do you think can make sex bad?
Rod, 40: Too much work. When you spend too many hours working and then you feel tired, innit. You don't get anything out of it because you're just tired. Another answer is, some people they just don't know how to do it. They need to learn. I teach a lot of people how to do it. It's part of my career – I teach people how to do it.
What's your job?
When people have a problem with sex they come to me and I advise them on what to do. I'm a marriage adviser. People come to me for issues and sometimes those issues are sex.
What advice would you give to someone who was having bad sex?
It depends how bad it was.
What do you think counts as bad sex?
Flick, 25: Just if they're awful. That can change, though. Or if they seem not interested. Or if they're desperate. Definitely hygiene, too. Smelly people are not OK.
What's your worst experience?
Okay, I'll tell you the worst thing a guy ever tried to do to me. Oh god, I don't want my mum to see this. I hope she doesn't read VICE. So I was seeing someone and he once thought it would be a good idea to use his teeth when he went down on me. That was the worst experience of my sexual career. It was literally horrific.