Hot Dog and the Lady Bun - Open Relationships

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We answer your pathetic questions about dating, loneliness, and your inevitable failure.

Hi Hot Dog and Lady Bun,
I broke up with my boyfriend about seven months ago, but now we are kind of back together (not officially). But I still feel as if I'm single, so I wonder if it’s wrong to flirt and pickup with other people? -Lady

Lady Bun Swings Some Knowledge

What you are experiencing are reservations about your relationship—and not the good kinds of reservations, like ones to a fancy restaurant, but the bad kind, like a bus ticket to a diarrhea factory (aka Disneyworld). It seems that you still want time to sample that scary buffet of STDs and rejection that people call dating. But how do you do that without hurting someone’s feelings? The answer is ILLUSION. Illusion is what makes watching magicians fun and sleeping with magicians terrible. So if you want to hold on to your relationship, you’re gonna have to create the “illusion” that your bush doesn’t have wandering pubes. Here are some ways of having your dick-shaped cake and eating it too.

· Start by flirting with inanimate objects so that your boyfriend can conquer his jealousy. Why not dry hump a house plant or make out with Channing Tatum (he’s just a potato with a jacket on!)?

· Use what illusionists call “sleight of hand”: For example, tell him you’ve developed a taste for sushi and when he’s not listening, change the word sushi to “black guys.”

· Suggest he flirt with the hostess at a restaurant so you can get a better table. When he does, hold it against him and use it as an excuse for terrible behavior.

Now that you’ve eased him into a more open mind and relationship, it’s time to discuss your intentions. The key to this is honest communication. This will most likely bring you closer, and by closer, I mean closer to breaking up forever.

· “I think you’re great, the way I think my aunt or other things I can’t jerk off to are great.”

· “I wasn’t giving that man a hand job. I’m volunteering in a program teaching braille to blind penises.”

· “All I need is you, which is why the other guy I’m sleeping with is also named Kevin.”

Hot Dog Double Dips In Your Mind

It sounds like what you’re talking about is having an open relationship. I believe in open relationships the same way I believe in God—I’ve never seen proof he actually exists except that one time I took a shit that looked like the Blessed Virgin Mary. Open relationships are great in that they provide all the uncertainty and awkwardness of being single but with the added bonus of inadvertently hurting someone you love! In other words, super fun! The ideal open relationship is where the dude gets to fuck as many other ladies as he wants and the lady just tells another woman about her day. That’s what we call a win-win! But Open Bros, ladies don’t always want what you’re serving up! So here’s some ways to trick your lady into getting your relationship to go from ajar to GAPING:

· Get her to agree that you can have sex with celebrities, then define celebrity as “anyone who has a blog.”

· Explain that monogamy is unnatural (except for ducks, penguins, gibbons, swans, black vultures, French angelfish, wolves, albatrosses, termites, prairie voles, turtledoves, and bald eagles. But really all those animals are SUPER GAY.)

· Explain that as a man you have a biological imperative to spread your seed: Your penis is like cream cheese and the world is a giant bagel. You gotta spread that schmear around. She’ll probably agree to it just to have you stop saying “schmear.”

The real tough part is beginning the conversation about open relationships. Here’s some ways to “break the ice,” and by breaking the ice I mean “probably destroying whatever little intimacy you once had”:

· “You know how you once said that it would be boring to only have one flavor of ice cream your entire life? Well, let’s just say I’m tired of ice cream that’s You flavor.”

· “My penis is like that bus in the movie Speed, but instead of blowing up when it dips below 60 MPH, it blows up if I only have sex with you.”

· “I’m not breaking up with you. I just want to spend all my exciting moments with other girls, but you can sit on the couch and watch TV with me still. It’ll be great.”

Previously - The Let-Down

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