Yesterday a woman I don’t know wrote me on Twitter and said, “You’re someone I can ask about this. My labia are weird and big and I’m ashamed of them. What should I do?”
I’ll say first that I was very flattered that a woman felt that I was someone who could advise her on this matter. It’s always an honor when someone trusts you with something they’re worried or concerned about, especially when their worry concerns the part of their body where pee comes out.
Personally, I’m sometimes insecure about my penis. It can be roughly a thousand different sizes, some of which are quite tiny, depending on the temperature or my stress level. Also, now that porn is so easily accessible and I’ve seen enough male ejaculations to populate a thriving lunar colony, I occasionally and nervously worry that I don’t “jizz” impressively enough. Now mind you, I tend to jizz either by myself or in the presence of my loving wife, who hasn’t once chastised me for being a lackluster jizzer, but I still get nervous that if I were forced to jizz in some type of competition in which I had to extinguish a series of candles across a room with a forceful jizz blast, I would prove unable.
After she wrote me seeking counsel, I thought about what I would say to this troubled woman regarding her cumbersome, pendulous labia. When I looked for the message again, however, it was gone! She was so ashamed of her perceived deformity that she’d deleted her missive. She’d swallowed her own cry for help, much like she probably had to roll up those big dangly pussy lips and feed them into the three pairs of underwear she no doubt had to wear to prevent a catastrophic case of camel toe.
That sounds horrible, doesn’t it? Now I don’t feel that way; I was just trying to imagine this woman’s mindset so that I could more thoroughly empathize with her. I mean, she wrote a stranger, a comedian no less, with what was clearly a genuine concern about her most private of parts, so we know her situation was dire.
I’m guessing she wrote me because a lot of my jokes are about women’s bodies. I talk about bushes, big thighs, saggy boobs, gaps in women’s teeth, big noses, and more. Sure, I think it’s funny, but the fact is, I really do dig that stuff. And I’m not alone. My guy friends and I have a much broader palate when it comes to women’s bodies than Maxim or Cosmopolitan would lead you to believe. And I’m not putting this forth to sound noble; what I’m saying is absolutely a variation on “Guys’ll fuck anything.” But I’d like to expand that and say, “Guys’ll fuck anything, and they’ll enjoy it. AND they’ll fuck it again. AND they’ll even be nice to it and tell it it’s beautiful and take it to dinner and listen to its dreams and fuck it exclusively and brag about how happy they are to be doing it to their other guy friends who reject the notion (as vehemently as any Women’s Studies major at Wesleyan) that women should fit into some unforgiving, unvarying Barbie mold.”
Finally, to the woman who wrote me about her big labia: I’d like to reiterate that the aforementioned videos of men jizzing make me feel insecure, and more importantly they are often jizzing in the presence of a woman who has big pussy lips, since that’s specifically what I searched for because I’m a massive fan of masturbating to big pussy lips like yours. So to answer the question of what you should “do,” I recommend you put your hand down your pants and play with yourself a little bit. You’ll feel better.