According to every magazine/website/zeitgeist newsletter, there are a whole lot of exciting new bands you will be hearing more of this year. Hooray. According to general laws of statistics, each of them has a hypothetical propensity to kill. Wouldn't it be great if one of them committed a murder at some point during 2009? Just think: Indie gossip would all be about CSI-style corpse decomposition periods and semen samples, or maybe more retro talk of candlesticks and lead pipes. With that in mind, we're offering the music press the chance to get a jump on the game, by ranking 2009's potential indie breakouts in terms of their murderous proclivities, using nothing more than Poirot-like little grey cells. Elementary findings follow.Florence & The Machine.
Highly likely. Would do it with scissors, on a whim, to a lover during a kinky sex game. She'd be lead away in handcuffs screaming, "You all think I'm mad, don't you?" while the flashbulbs popped and her smeared lipstick made it look like her crazed smile was crooked.Little Boots.
Highly likely. This arch femme fatale would murder her philandering husband, probably using poison in some highly symbolic form, eg. an apple or a box of Black Magic chocs, or a record needle dipped in cyanide. At her trial, she'd remain impassive and silent as the judge sentenced her to swing, before a single pristine tear besmirched her blush-painted cheek.VV Brown.
Moderate. Having been selectively-bred by a record label, may have had any potential psychosis neutered by either genetic modification or saltpetre in her food. A form of chemical castration may have been written-in as an insurance clause in her contract.White Lies.
Highly likely. Already write sad songs (sadness has a long-standing association with death). Scions of privilege, they're probably driven to escape the airless world they inhabit by engaging in senseless violence. Extensive touring offers them the chance to disguise the murder of homeless drifters. Have a close bond that means they wouldn't rat each other out, but pressure cooker atmosphere of fame means they can't take the strain. Three close friends share a terrible dark secret. Their lies bring them closer together, then ultimately tear them apart.Lady GaGa.
Very highly likely. Already went to the same school as Paris Hilton. Is super-rich 'Daddy's girl', who gets written out of will, and in an act of extreme petulance decides to rub out dear old dad in a speedboat accident. Pays firm of boneheaded contract killers to make arrangements, but one of them, while tampering with the engine, is surprised by athletic dad, who is then bludgeoned into an early grave with a spanner in the ensuing struggle. She gets off on a legal technicality, thanks to high-priced lawyer. In the greatest pop-will-eat-itself moment in human history, gets to number one with a sub-Basshunter electro cover of 'Daddy's Gone'.Kid Cudi.
Unlikely. Rap 'game' now only slightly more dangerous than chess, less dangerous than kiss-chase. His only conceivable role in life is to make Kanye look hard, which doesn't bode well.Dan Black.
Highly likely. Genteel, affable nature would lead neighbours to say he was "A quiet man, who kept himself to himself" as TV report cuts to local primary school, shrouded in yellow tape, haloed by blue flashing lights, garlanded by spent shell cartridges, as the reporter stands on the scene, uttering the words "Who then turned the gun upon himself."GAVIN HAYNES
Advertisement
Highly likely. Would do it with scissors, on a whim, to a lover during a kinky sex game. She'd be lead away in handcuffs screaming, "You all think I'm mad, don't you?" while the flashbulbs popped and her smeared lipstick made it look like her crazed smile was crooked.Little Boots.
Highly likely. This arch femme fatale would murder her philandering husband, probably using poison in some highly symbolic form, eg. an apple or a box of Black Magic chocs, or a record needle dipped in cyanide. At her trial, she'd remain impassive and silent as the judge sentenced her to swing, before a single pristine tear besmirched her blush-painted cheek.VV Brown.
Moderate. Having been selectively-bred by a record label, may have had any potential psychosis neutered by either genetic modification or saltpetre in her food. A form of chemical castration may have been written-in as an insurance clause in her contract.White Lies.
Highly likely. Already write sad songs (sadness has a long-standing association with death). Scions of privilege, they're probably driven to escape the airless world they inhabit by engaging in senseless violence. Extensive touring offers them the chance to disguise the murder of homeless drifters. Have a close bond that means they wouldn't rat each other out, but pressure cooker atmosphere of fame means they can't take the strain. Three close friends share a terrible dark secret. Their lies bring them closer together, then ultimately tear them apart.
Advertisement
Very highly likely. Already went to the same school as Paris Hilton. Is super-rich 'Daddy's girl', who gets written out of will, and in an act of extreme petulance decides to rub out dear old dad in a speedboat accident. Pays firm of boneheaded contract killers to make arrangements, but one of them, while tampering with the engine, is surprised by athletic dad, who is then bludgeoned into an early grave with a spanner in the ensuing struggle. She gets off on a legal technicality, thanks to high-priced lawyer. In the greatest pop-will-eat-itself moment in human history, gets to number one with a sub-Basshunter electro cover of 'Daddy's Gone'.Kid Cudi.
Unlikely. Rap 'game' now only slightly more dangerous than chess, less dangerous than kiss-chase. His only conceivable role in life is to make Kanye look hard, which doesn't bode well.Dan Black.
Highly likely. Genteel, affable nature would lead neighbours to say he was "A quiet man, who kept himself to himself" as TV report cuts to local primary school, shrouded in yellow tape, haloed by blue flashing lights, garlanded by spent shell cartridges, as the reporter stands on the scene, uttering the words "Who then turned the gun upon himself."GAVIN HAYNES